signs of impending defeat

 

I’ve very tired. very depressed. so as was the case so many years ago on LiveJournal, expect and increase of posts and updates.

writing about my pain has always been cathartic for me. I used to do that bottle-up thing to a very dangerous degree. then I found LiveJournal. and it was a place of release. in fact, this is even an excerpt from an entry back in May 2010:

I’m not sure how to interpret it. recently, when I get into my super Depressive cycles, I post more often and am more active online. […] it’s neat. kinda scary, because it’s not part of the usual pattern. but it’s neat.

 

but sometimes it feels like writing about my pain is the only way to endure it.  it’s a method of confrontation, recognition, and actualization.  (heh, there’s no room for validation yet; well, not in the realm of acceptance, at least.)  but I’m finally to a point where I recognise this is a disease, not necessarily a weakness.  it just so happens that this disease makes me weak.

and that makes me want to give up, honestly.  if it was situational, temporary, a choice — that means eventually it might possibly end.  but chronic depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorders — these things won’t go away.  they will be with me forever.

it’s like when a person has finally accepted their lupus as permanent, they may just quit moving.  they recognise they can never again do the things they once did, so why bothering with any of it.

that’s where I’m at.  even with medication, weekly chiropractor visits, monthly psychiatrist visits, a C-PAP, Vibrams, friends’ love and support — even with all this, I’ll never be “okay”.  I won’t get any rest, I’ll be in physical pain all day and night, my mind will remain a broken, shattered, distorted mirror filled with despair and self-disgust.

 

 

I’ve stopped eating. it’s not that I’m not hungry; because I very much always am. I’m just … I’m hardly eating. I mean, I’m ensuring I have at least one meal a day (a “meal” constituting a small bowl of soup, cup of ramen, single sandwich, etc).  but between not having the energy to work out, or the energy to even wake up, how can I manage to prepare and consume a meal?  the occasional snack — a small beef jerky stick, a tiny bag of almonds, a larger energy drink –, these things I can sometimes manage.  no preparation, I can eat it without too much energy expenditure, and the clean up is simple.  but a whole plate of something I even made the other day?  or a bowl of cereal?  I can’t manage that right now.

moreover, I fell off tracking my food this weekend. and I’m probably not even going to fight with it until next week.  same with working out.  I think I’m going to cancel on running with Payne tomorrow.  honestly, I wake up less than twenty minutes before having to be to work, because I legitimately cannot fathom nor manage to get up and be awake and alive for any more time than that.  it’s literally a battle every morning just to wake up.  that is not an exaggerationjust waking up is a fucking struggle.

 

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends —
It gives a lovely light.
~ Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950), “First Fig”, 1920

 

being engaged in so many obligations isn’t helping anything, either.  I’ve cut back on a lot.  I’ve been hiding fairly well from the world (for me, at least).  “hey James, wanna hang out this week?”  “um, sorry.  busy.  but maybe next week?”  “okay, well get back to me on a free day.”  “sure. ::never calls/texts the person back::”  if I don’t respond to a person, it’s easier to hide.

but I still have a lot going on.  40hours of library work a week; teaching that class, and manning office hours and meetings with students; trying to find time to volunteer with Frontier Girls and SpayNation; finishing up my ShadowRun character.

I never get to read anymore.  I missed both Raw and Smackdown last week.  this week is Jared’s wedding (in which I’m a groomsman.)  there’s also several bike rides and adventure runs in the next few months.  I don’t know how I’m going to survive them….

 

 

it really is getting hard.  I need to get back on my meds.  need to remember to take them.  need to create a pattern, a line of habits, a schedule.  but I’m struggling just to stay alive, much less accomplished.

 

in completely unrelated news to anything of the above, my semi-toxic relationship with Quizilla will end when it officially shuts down on October 1st. 😦 it suggests we start quizzing over at TeenNick.com. wut?

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