so I posted in DreamWidth and LiveJournal in June 2013 about my ED history. then here, on Sep 22nd, I re-posted that entry. someone asked me how accurate that was to now. and I gave a vague answer.
well, it’s time to be honest.
My Current EDNOS Struggles
right away: alcoholism. I can tell you that my drinking is the only thing keeping me “fat” (or larger, I should say). I eat low-carb, I don’t do sodas, I’m a veggie-fiend, I eat fruits moderately, I keep a semi-low caloric intake, I have a higher caloric out-put. it’s really just all the alcohol.
so whereas in the past I was drinking less forsake of eating less, now I’m drinking less and eating less.
in the last two-and-a-half weeks, I’ve had all of this happen to me: semi-long menstruation, urinary tract infection, kidney infection, stomach virus via food poisoning, severe diarrhea from antibiotics, extreme side effects from getting back on my meds, losing many responsibilities (that I enjoyed!) at my job, hearing truths that my beau will be jobless and have no PhD by the end of the year, suicidal idealizations, and a few other things I
cannot shall not mention.
suffice it to say, I was struggling. and when I struggle, for whatever reason, I stop eating. and I did. in four days, I consumed less than two meals.
and from 170+ lbs, I’m now at 165. five pounds in three weeks may not be much. but when I’ve been battling for months to lose even two, this is a great accomplishment. my body fat percentage has even gone down from 38+ to 35. this is great! this is encouraging!
this is bad. because the act that caused all this was starvation, occasional alcohol, and cutting.
so here we are, October 2014. starting this cycle all over again.
I’m looking at fitspo and thinspo again. I’m using my semi-secret username to visit SI and pro-ana blogs. I’m really breaking myself apart, while trying to put myself together.
moreover, I have even less hope than I did before to get fit. in fact, I have none.
I’m only trying still because I know when I stop, I’ll just stop everything; I’ll stop living.
my not-so-secret EDNOS blog? yeah, you’ll have to look for that one….