anhedonia and irritation

I’m trying.  I really am.

  • I’m in rehab.
  • I’m going to additional AA meetings.
  • I’m taking care of all the legal matters regarding the DUI.
  • I’m replacing different pieces of my C-PAP so that it works better.
  • I’ve been remembering to take all of my medications as prescribed.
  • I’m getting to bed between 10-11pm, and I’m typically getting seven hours of sleep.
  • I’m eating better.
  • I’m working out again.
  • I’m still going to church.
  • I’m trying to stay positive and open with Brian.
  • I’m blogging, so as not to keep everything locked inside.
  • I’m letting Mum help me here and there as she requests.
  • I’m being open and honest about my recovery with my counselors and my family.
  • I had a Wellness checkup.
  • I aim this week to schedule an eye exam and a dentist exam.
  • I went to my Girly doctor.
  • I’m going to chiropractor still.
  • I’m going to my psychiatrist still.
  • I’m doing research and reading material on my various illnesses and disadvantages.
  • I’ve been resisting self-injury.

I really don’t know what else to do.  I don’t know how else I can try.

yet still, I’m miserable.

I don’t care about anything.  I’m not enjoying my shows that I watch, my music I listen to, my books I read.  I’m not enjoying cuddling with Brian, soaking in a tub with him, or recounting our day.  work is not fulfilling.  I’m disinterested in friends.

my anhedonia and irritation are insurmountable.  I don’t know how to handle them.

perhaps it’s a withdrawal symptom from alcohol.  perhaps it’s stress due to my legal and financial situations.  perhaps it’s due to the cold weather (though SAD never really affected me before.)  perhaps it’s due to worry about Brian not getting his PhD or having a job at the end of the semester.  perhaps it’s because my father (albeit somewhat jokingly) suggested he and I should commit suicide together via kayaking down the Mississippi and never returning.  perhaps it’s all of these things.

or perhaps it’s none of these things.  maybe I’m just finally ready to give up.  maybe I’m just ready to forfeit everything….

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