“I Won’t Fall Apart”

“this resentment you have for everyone — you need to work on that.”  no shit, Sherlock.  like I haven’t already heard this a thousand times, hundreds of which actually came from myself.

I’ve got this nasty mix of anger, resentment, depression, and hopelessness.  I have no Faith in or love for this God so many worship.  what I know to be true is pain, endurance, and failure.

 

it takes me several tries to get the interlock to work.  I have asthma; I can’t breathe in as much as I’m supposed to.  so either I have to try several times; or I get it the first time, get really dizzy, and have to sit there for a bit to recalibrate my mind and balance.  it sucks.

what also sucks is the group I went to tonight.  it was all “God saved me from my alcoholism.”  fuck that shit.  I was strong in my Faith growing up.  but I couldn’t understand why a Faithful Follower would have such crippling Depression.  so I lost all belief that he’s loving and all good.  I think he’s a bastard sometimes, and I don’t think he really cares.

one good thing is I’m losing weight.  I have my good days and my binge days.  but overall, I’m keeping my intake under 1000 kcal.  I just have to be careful about the sugar.  apparently my body got used to lots of sugar from the alcohol.  so now I’m having motherfucking sugar withdrawals.  so I bought some candy and icecream.  I just have to make sure I eat all that in moderation.

however, I’m leading some ED Challenges and stuff on a forum.  I’ve also got a handful of lasses on kik to whom I chat and stay accountable.  so if nothing else, maybe I’ll come out of this thinner and in better shape, and with more self-control regarding my eating.

 

I’ve got so much more to say.  but it’s late, and I have work tomorrow.  so I’m’ll sign out for the night.

until tomorrow….

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3 thoughts on ““I Won’t Fall Apart”

  1. Ha, I hate everyone right now. Bitter, angry, and resentful defines me. I can’t stand when people tell me I need to let it go so I just shut everyone out.

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    • do you know what’s causing it?
      how do you handle it best (without throwing and breaking things, I suppose)?

      my reactions are similar. I’ve hung out with one friend since things started falling apart — just the one. and it was only because she agreed to exercise with me, lol. I’ve been avoiding everyone recently too.

      “if I’m not around them, they can’t tell me to ‘let go’, ‘just get over it’, ‘move on’, ‘be positive’, ‘look at the bright side’, etc.” that’s my thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Can of worms opened… 😏
        I’m angry because:
        1: I have this warped idea in my head that if I attain this “unattainable” level of beauty I will suddenly feel complete and worthy. I’m so angry that I can’t find that place, that something is wrong with me. I always feel so empty inside. I’ll never be happy.
        2: I refuse to change… Even though I have the power to change things I know I should, I won’t. I’m comfortable. Miserable, but I’m used to things this way and change is huge. Is it worth it though?
        3: I let people use me, I forgive them, then I let them do it again and it enrages me but I lost the will to do anything to stop it.
        4: I feel betrayed and abandon. don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to or rely on other than myself. In a sense my past experiences have made me strong, resilient, independent and always ready to fight. They have also created up huge walls, major trust issues and has rendered me pretty damn useless when it comes to personal relationships. I don’t want people to close because it’s those people who do the most damage in the end.

        So that brings us back to 1 and the answer to your question, what do I do (in lieu of throwing things)? I am the full embodiment of my E.D. I use it as a coping mechanism. It is my distraction and my dirty little secret. I restrict, I purge, and I fake normal really damn well. I take all my anger out on myself and offer a smile to anyone who cares to give me the time of day. I don’t condone being this way, but it’s all I know right now. Pathetic isn’t it?

        Like

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