“this resentment you have for everyone — you need to work on that.” no shit, Sherlock. like I haven’t already heard this a thousand times, hundreds of which actually came from myself.
I’ve got this nasty mix of anger, resentment, depression, and hopelessness. I have no Faith in or love for this God so many worship. what I know to be true is pain, endurance, and failure.
it takes me several tries to get the interlock to work. I have asthma; I can’t breathe in as much as I’m supposed to. so either I have to try several times; or I get it the first time, get really dizzy, and have to sit there for a bit to recalibrate my mind and balance. it sucks.
what also sucks is the group I went to tonight. it was all “God saved me from my alcoholism.” fuck that shit. I was strong in my Faith growing up. but I couldn’t understand why a Faithful Follower would have such crippling Depression. so I lost all belief that he’s loving and all good. I think he’s a bastard sometimes, and I don’t think he really cares.
one good thing is I’m losing weight. I have my good days and my binge days. but overall, I’m keeping my intake under 1000 kcal. I just have to be careful about the sugar. apparently my body got used to lots of sugar from the alcohol. so now I’m having motherfucking sugar withdrawals. so I bought some candy and icecream. I just have to make sure I eat all that in moderation.
however, I’m leading some ED Challenges and stuff on a forum. I’ve also got a handful of lasses on kik to whom I chat and stay accountable. so if nothing else, maybe I’ll come out of this thinner and in better shape, and with more self-control regarding my eating.
I’ve got so much more to say. but it’s late, and I have work tomorrow. so I’m’ll sign out for the night.