I was talking with one of my buddies from high school. we keep in touch well. he kept me alive back in those days, and he keeps me going these days.
anyway, he was asking about how I was doing. prior to this morning, last we talked was first week of November. back when things were still really bad — as in I was drinking more often than I wasn’t. he and I actually spoke just days after my arrest.
so here’s the convo. it was good to be honest with someone about the advancements I’ve made in the last six days or so.
How’s it going?
s’aight, I suppose.
rehab is getting old.
I’ve been sober since Friday night, though.
I relapsed big time because of Thanksgiving. the food anxiety got the best of me.
so other than the relapse, are things going well?
you should be close to finished with rehab right?
I’m half-way through the seven weeks. but because of the many relapses, they’re probably going to keep me longer.
things are … well, they are.
due to several conversations last week, I’m actually determined to stop drinking. for a while, at least. even after I get out of rehab, I think.
however, that’s if I stay alive long enough.
I’m tired every day, and I’m having suicidal thoughts again.
no plans yet.
just … ideations.
more than usual, and with stronger.
not drinking would be good
but i know that isn’t easy
well, drinking used to make me blind to how much I didn’t want to be alive.
now that I’m spending time more awake and coherent, it’s hurting all over again.
I’m also having to face the stupid and sometimes wrongful things I did while drinking and/or drunk. no more ignoring it, ya know?
but there isn’t anything you can do about the past
and I get ignoring it will always be easier
yeah, I know.
Has rehab been helpful?
only in the last week.
prior to that, I wasn’t letting it help me, ya know?
And are you feeling more motivated now?
That’s a start
I realised that I can’t drink moderately at this point in my life. so until I sort that out, I can’t drink at all. I’m not saying I’ll stay sober for the rest of my life. but for the current time period, I’m abstaining.
I’m not “stopping” drinking, I’m just taking a break.
that break may be a month, a year, three decades, no clue. but if I look at it that way, I can approach it more easily and probably more successfully.
it’s a mere mind trick, I know.
but it’s worked the past few days.
Yeah it is
But it works
I mean, since Friday after Thanksgiving, I was getting trashed almost every night.
The fact that you’ve changed your mindset is big
but once I came to this “temporary” approach, I’ve stayed sober.
yeah, I agree.
You gotta take things one day at a time.
I’m sure you’ve been told that plenty
But its totally true
Just get through one day.
I mean, the Thanksgiving relapse was bad. I was drinking before I was going to my rehab meetings even. what. the righteous. fuck.
so I don’t know where I’m at now. I mean, I want to stop drinking. for a small time at least.
but I want to die. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I don’t want to face my Monsters and Demons, my past and my flaws and my mistakes. I don’t want to make amends, and I don’t want to keep fighting.
Brian tells me often that he doesn’t know of anyone who works as hard as I do to get and be Better — whether health, drinking, school, job, hobbies, with family, etc. and that’s flattering and all. but I’m fucking sick of trying. why can’t I just fuck away my life like so many others? why can’t I just be happy with being fat or weak or poor or insufficient or mediocre? why do I always have to fucking try to be Better? it’s getting fucking exhausting.