chat with a friend

I was talking with one of my buddies from high school.  we keep in touch well.  he kept me alive back in those days, and he keeps me going these days.

anyway,  he was asking about how I was doing.  prior to this morning, last we talked was first week of November.  back when things were still really bad — as in I was drinking more often than I wasn’t.  he and I actually spoke just days after my arrest.

so here’s the convo.  it was good to be honest with someone about the advancements I’ve made in the last six days or so.

friend
Hey
How’s it going?

moi
s’aight, I suppose.
rehab is getting old.

friend
I’m sure

moi
I’ve been sober since Friday night, though.
I relapsed big time because of Thanksgiving. the food anxiety got the best of me.

friend
so other than the relapse, are things going well?
you should be close to finished with rehab right?

moi
I’m half-way through the seven weeks. but because of the many relapses, they’re probably going to keep me longer.
things are … well, they are.
due to several conversations last week, I’m actually determined to stop drinking. for a while, at least. even after I get out of rehab, I think.
however, that’s if I stay alive long enough.
I’m tired every day, and I’m having suicidal thoughts again.
no plans yet.
just … ideations.
more than usual, and with stronger.

friend
That’s tough
not drinking would be good
but i know that isn’t easy

moi
yeah.
well, drinking used to make me blind to how much I didn’t want to be alive.
now that I’m spending time more awake and coherent, it’s hurting all over again.
I’m also having to face the stupid and sometimes wrongful things I did while drinking and/or drunk. no more ignoring it, ya know?

friend
yeah
but there isn’t anything you can do about the past
and I get ignoring it will always be easier

moi
yeah, I know.

friend
Has rehab been helpful?

moi
only in the last week.
prior to that, I wasn’t letting it help me, ya know?

friend
Yup
And are you feeling more motivated now?

moi
yeah.

friend
That’s a start

moi
I realised that I can’t drink moderately at this point in my life. so until I sort that out, I can’t drink at all. I’m not saying I’ll stay sober for the rest of my life. but for the current time period, I’m abstaining.
I’m not “stopping” drinking, I’m just taking a break.
that break may be a month, a year, three decades, no clue. but if I look at it that way, I can approach it more easily and probably more successfully.
it’s a mere mind trick, I know.
but it’s worked the past few days.

friend
Yeah it is
But it works

moi
I mean, since Friday after Thanksgiving, I was getting trashed almost every night.

friend
The fact that you’ve changed your mindset is big

moi
but once I came to this “temporary” approach, I’ve stayed sober.
yeah, I agree.

friend
You gotta take things one day at a time.
I’m sure you’ve been told that plenty
But its totally true
Just get through one day.

 

I mean, the Thanksgiving relapse was bad. I was drinking before I was going to my rehab meetings even. what. the righteous. fuck.

so I don’t know where I’m at now. I mean, I want to stop drinking. for a small time at least.

but I want to die.  I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.  I don’t want to face my Monsters and Demons, my past and my flaws and my mistakes.  I don’t want to make amends, and I don’t want to keep fighting.

Brian tells me often that he doesn’t know of anyone who works as hard as I do to get and be Better — whether health, drinking, school, job, hobbies, with family, etc.  and that’s flattering and all.  but I’m fucking sick of trying.  why can’t I just fuck away my life like so many others?  why can’t I just be happy with being fat or weak or poor or insufficient or mediocre?  why do I always have to fucking try to be Better?  it’s getting fucking exhausting.

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2 thoughts on “chat with a friend

  1. It can be exhausting emotionally and mentally to recover from behavioral patterns. The mental and emotional effort puts a toll on our bodies as well. You are trying and slips can happen sometimes. When the old behaviors were your way of coping with depression then it is hard to let them go without replacing them with something better. The trick is to find something better to do , when you feel pain.
    My thoughts are with you on your path.
    Annie

    Like

    • yeah. I’ve had addictive behaviours since I was young. I’ve just replaced them with one thing or another over the years. once I tried to cut back/stop drinking in November, my consumption of food and energy drinks increased, my tendency to undereat also increased, and I started cutting again.

      one of my goals for January is to look into therapy, anger management, or something of that sort.

      Like

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