“tis but a scratch”

I feel like I’m in war.

I’ve got my family and (most of) my friends encouraging me in this war.  they’re calling themselves my allies.  they’re offering weapons and supplies.  they tell me if they could, they would even join in the battle.  they’d take up arms too.

I have a few friends who are refusing to acknowledge the war.  it’s not that big of an issue, or it’s all in my mind, or it doesn’t really affect them.  whatever the case, they don’t get involved.  they are the countries that still expect commerce and trade whilst bullets are flying around me.

immediately surrounding me are the countries who “know better”.  they “advise” me on how to approach the whole war.  they too offer weapons and soldiers.  but I worry they only want me to win because it’s good for their own economy.

then there’s me.

my country has been in wars for over two decades.  as soon as one starts to slow, another begins.  multiple wars, multiple battles, multiple fights.  the casualties are high.  my soldiers are tired.  they’re ready to forfeit.

 

 

I’m tired of reaching out to friends, and all of them telling me to just “wait it out” until I’m actually sober, and that things will be/get better then.

I’m tired of people telling me how much better it will be, that it will all be worth it.

I am waking up miserable and desiring death every morning.  your laughter, your love, your friendship — I’m tired, and I don’t give a fuck about it.

I am metaphorically bleeding out, and everyone is telling me “it’s just a flesh wound“.  fuck you, assholes; I’m fucking dying.  I am bleeding to death; I can’t breathe; I can’t feel; I’m falling apart.

 

 

I’m done with them.  I’m tired of having my pain ignored and belittled.  if it’s so fucking easy to be happy, then you can have it and enjoy it.

me, I’m getting close to being done.

 

I mean, via how many different venues must I plead?

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4 thoughts on ““tis but a scratch”

  1. Great quotes, sore post. You’re dealing with a shitload of stuff (not to mention everybody else’s attitudes and issues) and I hope something good happens soon. I hope it helps a little, to write it all out.

    Like

    • thanks, luv. and yeah, writing helps a lot. I mean, I can’t rightly tell most people I know this. so it’s great getting out there for strangers to read. and I often get great feedback from y’all!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Are you in rehab at the moment? In one of your last posts it sounded like you were in a residential treatment program?

    Im sending you my quiet prayers and wishes. I hope things get better soon. I know that dark place youre in. Its pretty rough!

    Like

    • yeah, it’s IOP. I started on Nov 6th, and was supposed to graduate Dec 24th. but they’re extending it another three weeks.

      we meet in Group for three hours every week day, and check in with a counselor every weekend day. we have regular pee tests, the possible blood test, etc.

      Like

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