gravity

re·lapse
 /'rə-laps/

verb (used without object), relapsed, relapsing
 1. to fall or slip back into a former state, practice, etc.
 2. to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery
 3. to fall back into vice, wrongdoing, or error; backslide

noun
 4. an act or instance of relapsing
 5. a return of a disease or illness after partial recovery from it

Gravity
is working against me.
and Gravity
wants to bring me down.

I started the seven-week Townsend intensive out-patient rehabilitation program on November 6th, 2014.  my last day should could have been this Friday.  but instead, it’s been extended three weeks to January 15th.  why?  because I’ve relapsed many times since I started.  for example, one relapse lasted three days.  another occurred just this weekend at the Bowl Game.

oh, I’ll never know
what makes this man,
with all the love
that his heart can stand,
dream of ways
to Throw it all away.

so Brian and I met with the counselor (yes, the same one from a previous post) about the question of extending my treatment.

“what do you think?” the counselor asked me while we were alone.

“I think I’d like to call Brian in here.”

“that’s fine.  but why?”

“because if it’s just up to me, I’d say no, that I’m done with all this.”

“done with it?  relapsing this weekend doesn’t sound like you’ve completed the program.”

I said ‘done with’, not ‘succeeded’, you dumbass, I thought.  but instead, I said nothing and simply shrugged.

oh, twice as much
ain’t twice as good
and can’t sustain
like one have could.
it’s wanting More
that’s gonna send me to
my knees.

Brian talked about wanting me to be happy, about how I should really give the program a chance and do it correctly.  all very good points.

oh, Gravity,
stay the hell away from me.
oh, Gravity,
has taken better men than me.
(how can that be?)

but I don’t know where I stand.  Brian mentioned how he truly believes I want to get Better, but he doesn’t know/understand what I exactly I perceive to be Better — sobriety, controlling my addictions, etc.

just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
just keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where the Light is.
c’mon, keep me where, keep me where the Light is.

but honestly, I don’t even know if I want to get Better anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  depression, addiction, borderline, OCD, anxiety, eating disorder, self-injury, bipolar, so many fucking physical ailments too … I’m feeling really outnumbered in this Battle.  and the more I fight it, the more I’m realising I just don’t care if I Win anymore.  I’m ready to Surrender just to be done with it all…

From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free.
~ Jacques Yves Cousteau

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2 thoughts on “gravity

  1. I can’t say I know what you’re going through, I don’t, and I can’t give you any real advice, I’m not a psychologist. What I do know is, to a degree, what Brian is going through and it is tough. I’ve watched Meg go through ups and downs and all different kinds of mental and physical ailments. I’d like to think though that were I in his position the first thing I would want to ask you to do is pick an attainable goal. Something that is a step in the right direction but not trying to take all the steps at once. And slowly build on those small steps. I would also ask that you don’t push Brian away, I know you are tired of fighting the battles I know he is too. Pushing him away will not make him feel better. I can’t tell you what to do with your relationship, but what I can say is that if he had stuck with you this long then he truly cares about you and wants the best for you. In any decision you make though I would urge you to not do it for anyone but yourself. Don’t push Brian away to protect him, don’t give up because you are worried about others. If you do these things make sure they are what is best for YOU. And also remember you can always email me or text me or call me anytime for anything including just to rant.

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    • you’re right, and I see that now. if he’s stuck around this long, I think he can handle a little longer.

      we eventually talked about many things.

      it’s not all sorted out, but I’m not pushing him away anymore. it’s nice to be back in his arms — both literally and figuratively.

      Like

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