hiding

hello. mobile post from a car again. this time mine.

I got my liscense back. a temp one at least. lasts until Sept 2015. I was supposed to drive myself to an AA Meeting. got into car, about it to crank it, and just had a crying fit instead. finish, then look at clock: Meeting started at 12:00; is currently 12:06. fuck. if were more than just an hour long, would just arrive late. but by time get theren will be half over.

Bri and I fought this morn. he is on his SECOND fucking extension doe that damned PhD degree; all he has left is a dissertation. and all he fuckibg does is video games. Mum has been bringing me to all my Groups and Meetings so he could work. but he only plays instead.

after holding it all in for over a yearn i finally went off on him. without too much detail of his personal life (or maybe bc too lazy to type all out on cel), I had made and voiced wrong assumptions. when he corrected them and told ne what his actual barriera are, I asked him how is or does he plan to get past them. he just shrugged and said he didn’t know. when I asked if hevd be open to suggestions of how to do so, he just shrugged again and said would think about it.

you claim you want this PhD and are willing to work to get it, but then you don’t actually work? I call bullshit somewhere.

so I am infuriated at him. I can’t be around him right now, lest I go off into amother tyraid against him for some petty reason.

ever since stopping drinking or pill popping,  I’ve lost all control of my emotions. (or maybe I had none, and using was just masking that fact).

so what to do now?

– I have my laptop with me. I could go to coffee shop to work on getting info about funding my going into mental hospital.
– I could sit in car and continue working on original Plan.
– I could go to my gas station and get liquorn then hide somewhere and consume it.

those are in order of what I should do. tho I have no clue qhat’s actually going to happen….

~*~ mobile post via cell ~*~

UPDATE
it’s 12:21pm (whee!), and I texted two counselors and two peers the following: “how late is too late to walk in an AA/NA Meeting after it’s already started??”

we’ll see what they say…..

UPDATE II
12:26, head counselor replied “no rules”. fine, I’ll go. spend a good three minutes trying to get phone to load fucking address. finally does.

do that breathing test I have to on my car. first try! this is a god sign.

and BAM!, my car battery is dead.
fffffffff.

fuck everything and everyone. I’m walking my happy ass to my gas station. when I get to Group todayn I’m cancelling the extension. and in the meantimen I continue to work on Plan and on second plan.

I’m not giving up. but my mental stability and emotional compliance are what need to get attention first, not my addiction.

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