“when you sleep, / you can’t feel the hunger.”

Days Sober:  3.25
Days Till Rehab is Done:  17

 

I can’t tell if thing are getting worse or better.  I mean, I’m consuming less caffeine, less alcohol, less self-medicated pills, etc.  hell, I was even social yesterday (by request of Brian).

but as soon as I got back from said social event, I cried myself to a three-hour nap.  moreover, I’ve got more interest in the Plan, stronger desires to never again wake up, more interest in sleeping all the time, and less interest in ever seeing anyone ever again.

a few weeks back, when I was less suicidal, I made plans to  some random day, hang out with two of my three besties and Brian (the four of us used to be a proper Group).  it was supposed to be fun and enjoyable.  not too long ago, it was decided said plan would be go to Olive Garden shortly after noon on Dec 28th.  so that’s what happened.

I wanted to “call in sick”.  at first, Brian requested I didn’t.  “I think it’ll be good for you.”  “don’t you want to see D and K?”  “I know you love Oliver Garden’s food.”

and then the fucking waterworks started.  a relevant Sidenote on that (which I will hopefully go into detail later):  I have three modes — Off, Pissed, or Distraught.  and unless I focus on staying on Off, I switch to Pissed and Distraught with little-to-no triggers or warnings.

so yeah, just the thought of seeing people again (I had just come from a new-to-me and pretty packed Meeting, wherein it was actually standing-room-only) was causing me to freak out.  also, I didn’t want anyone to see me in the current disheveled state.  I mean, I could come up with a trillion reasons why I didn’t want to go.  and eventually, Brian seemingly-reluctantly agreed to tell them I simply wasn’t feeling well.

but honestly, I didn’t want to cancel on those two, because I actually like and care about them.  moreover, maybe going to this thing with three of the people about whom I care the most in the world would either A] get me out of my funk or B] get Brian, Mum, and the blokes at rehab to understand that I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

 

that’s my plan, yeah.  if I’m not at work or Group or a Meeting, and I don’t want to fucking exist, I’m going the fuck to sleep.  if I feel like exercising, or playing a game, or reading, or watching something, or talking to someone, I might.  but honestly, I’m going to need to buy some more Melatonin.  because I am sooooo over this being alive bullshit.

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