petrified

I thought things would get better once rehab was over.  I’d have a social life again; I’d have better control over and understanding of my drinking habits; I might even be lucky enough to be on medication that would help with the depression and mood swings.

but here I am at work, fighting off tears.

yes, I have a social life.  but I have nigh no money.  twice since the beginning of the year I had two NSF fees applied against me, and I currently only have just over $100 to last me until next Friday (the paycheck out of which most of my monthly bills will be paid).

Brian wants me to keep going to the rehab doctor and weekly meetings.  he wants me to go to AA meetings too.  I’ve got such resentment again Townsend that I doubt I’d let them in enough to help me.  moreover, staying with that doctor will require 100% sobriety — that includes my pain pills for my back; that includes the occasional beer with a friend at dinner; it includes everything.

and honestly, I don’t know that I can do that.

but I guess I have to.  at least, that’s where I was at first this morning.

but then I noticed a $150 charge on my card from them that I never approved.  I called to find out why.  it was a no-show fee from last week.  now, I called 24 hours ahead of time to cancel a doctor’s appointment with Townsend last week.  however, they’re telling me I never left a voicemail; and that even if I did, it should have been left 48 hours in advance.  so they charged me a $150 no-show fee.

I was already upset with them.  but this just pushed me over the limit.

Brian wants me to stop drinking for a while.  fine.  go to AA meetings.  whatever.  he even wants me to find a Sponsor and work the steps.  fuck it, I don’t care.  but I’m not giving that horrible facility a penny more.  fuck them royally.

I’m so discouraged right now.  I was really thinking things were going to get better.

but now?  now I just want to cry.  I am so fucking distraught and hopeless.

 

my court date is Feb 10th.  I’ve requested to meet with a Public Defender before then to talk about the medications that caused my blackout.  it’s a $40 charge, and that doesn’t even guarantee me a meeting.

 

I’m spiraling.  I can feel it.  I feel my brain starting to play all those old tapes about how inferior and incompetent I am.  I’m reliving every mistake and error, which just fuels the bursts of regret I’m already enduring.

 

I don’t know what to do.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to survive this.

 

I need someone to sit down with me and help me make a plan.  I need to step-by-step approach to surviving the next few months.  I don’t think I can do this.  I’m getting scared all over again.  like, actual fucking FEAR.

 

I don’t know what the fuck to do.  I’m terrified.

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