surreal

so.  I made a budget for 2015.  and I’m going to be needing to get a second job.  but I can’t look for once until after Feb 10th (my court date), in case I have to do jail time.

“[…] in case I have to do jail time.”  did I really just type those words?

I’m a goody-two-shoes.  I didn’t have my first drink until I was 21.  I didn’t even start using profanity until my senior year.  I never snuck out of the house.  I graduated both high school and college with at least a 3.5.  I was in Gifted & Talented in grad school and Honours in college.  I was an officer, including presidency, of countless clubs and organizations throughout the years.  I volunteer with an animal shelter and with Frontier Girls.  I’ve never been fired from a job.  I’ve always been promoted at the jobs I’ve had.

I mean, what the fuck.  I’m of above average intelligence, of average attractiveness, very likeable, greatly admired, incredibly creative, determined, a hard worker, etc.

I mean, really.  I’m 28 years old, and I’m still barely surviving off ramen and I might be going to jail for who knows how long.  none of this makes any fucking sense to me.

that cliche question of “how did this happen [to me]?” is haunting my mind right now.

when did I become an alcoholic?  when did it get this bad?  why did I allow myself a second DUI?  why didn’t I learn my goddamn lesson after the first one?

and how can I make amends?  how can I fix this?  I know I can’t make it “disappear”.  but how can I at least get past it all.

I’m making the least amount of money at this job that I’ve ever made in my life.  I’m in awful fitness health.  I can’t even afford my required medications.

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