I’m falling apart.
I’ve never been this poor, nor this in debt.
I can’t handle this, on top of the legal stuff.
between money I owe Brian and my Dad, my credit card, my school loans, and medical bills, I’m in debt of over $35,000.
I calculated how much it costs to live with Brian (rent, utilities, etc.), pus $50/week for food and household supplies, a little change for Zero’s supplies, and the debt payments. then I added on the medical expenses required for me to actually function (medication and psychiatrist); this excludes the recommended physical therapy and chiropractic appointments, and it does not include any backup emergency funds for random medical spendings (unplanned doctor visits, non-prescription meds, etc.). at the end of the month, I will be left with less than $50.
this also does not include purchasing books, movie tickets, video games, a single consumption outside of the $50 food budget, or anything extra. this also assumes I will use only $10-worth of gas a month. this also does not take into account whatever legal fees I will incur from February’s court dates.
I’m going to have to get a second job. I was miserable when I had my second job 1.5 years ago. I was doing 40+ hours at the library and another 20-ish at Walgreens. I was angry and depressed all the time; much like I was during this rehab bullshit.
Brian says he’ll pick up a second job. right now, he’s teaching one class from 6pm-9pm on Thursdays and has office hours 6pm-6pm on Mon-Thu. other than that, he just has his student loan coming in.
part of me says, “yes, he should be pick up some of the slack here. you work over 40 a week already, and he only works up to 10 (generously include an additional 3 hours for test grading; a website does homework for him) a week. of course it makes sense that he should get the second job.”
but then I think, “look James, you’re the fool who tried out for grad school; you’re the fool who ran your credit card up because you didn’t have a job for a few months; you’re the sick one who needs so much medical attention — not him. none of this is his fault, so he shouldn’t suffer.”
and then from there, I spiral.
“you shouldn’t’ve gone so long without a job.”
“you should have known you wouldn’t cut it in grad school.”
“it’s your fault you’re so fucked up in the mind and body.”
“if you took better care of yourself, you wouldn’t be so ill.”
“if you had more willpower and self-control, you wouldn’t have all these debts.”
“for example, remember that time when that thing happened. and that other time when you did that.”
“Brian doesn’t deserve to be pulled down so low by scum like you.”
“you never should have asked to get a place with Brian.”
“Brian deserves better. your family deserves better.”
“you’re worthless. a shame. a disappointment.”
“it honestly would have been better had you killed yourself when you got that first DUI.”
and then I’m stuck. I don’t know how to get out.
they say look at all your accomplishments, right? focus on the positive? so we try.
“well, I graduated undergrad with a 3.5 GPA.” “big whoop. so did numerous others in your class. and most them followed-up and got their Masters’ too.”
“I’ve never been fired.” “it’s because you quit too quickly for them to be able to. three years is the longest you’ve ever held a job. and even it is on the line right now.”
“people like me.” “because you placate them. of course they’re going to like you.”
“Zero likes me.” “he won’t after you leave him for three to six months while you’re in prison.”
for every positive thing I try to say, there exists a counter-argument.
and it just continues on and on and on and on……