~REBLOGGED~ One Order of Darkness, Please!

beautiful piece on why sometimes we stay Ill.

my two favourite bits are quotes below:

Darkness is, in my attempt to explain, not the lack of light. It is not the lack of love or the lack of compassion but rather the lack of hope. Darkness in my mind is a simple place without much adornment that allows me to feel not just sad, not just depressed, but allows me to fall deep into my own internal soul and put the world far away. It is a place that gives me permission to not have all the answers and it is a place that gives me permission to not have to be what all those I love hope for me to be.

My darkness which makes bottle of pills very attractive also blocks out much of the world. There is no expectations in this darkness but rather the need to be nothing.

The Truth Ache

secretI will let you in on a secret. I will tell you a secret about myself that I don’t talk about, that I don’t think about, but live with. I am sorry to say it isn’t a dirty little secret nor will anyone be that astonished. It may not be understood by anyone, but it is my reality. And the secret is…I like the darkness.

Let me back up a couple of steps so that you can understand. There are important steps to know when coming not only to terms with your own mental illness but when you have teach others about the diseases. Trying to entertain while still teaching about a subject I know like the back of my brain without scaring my family (and husband) out of their wits is difficult. There are certain truths that you have to lightly touch on and others that you simply have…

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3 thoughts on “~REBLOGGED~ One Order of Darkness, Please!

  1. There is a degree to which even mental illness can serve a purpose in our psyche. It protects us in a way. If I am mentally ill, then I am not to blame for screwing up. My illness is to blame. What if somehow my illness goes away and it turns out I’m still a screw up? What if I don’t have that to blame anymore, but my life is still fucked up? I’m laid bare, and suddenly it seems it is all my fault. Even if it isn’t true that you will still be a fuck up when your illness is gone, the fact that you have it to fall back on is a form of protection. It can be terrifying not to have that protection anymore. I think this is one reason some people unconsciously resist treatment so strongly.

    What I was in a partial hospitalization program (6 hours of group a day, 5 days a week, with addicts, anger management people, alcoholics, and people with bipolar and severe depression), a number of times I said the incredibly insensitive, “I wish I was an alcoholic. I wish I had that to blame for fucking up my life. At least then, it wouldn’t have to all be my fault.”

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    • I understand that. I’m kinda similar. I sit here and think about how if I had a horrid upbringing, no friends or support, no real job or good schooling experience, etc — then it would be more understandable as to why I’m such a fuck up. but instead, I’m just a fuck up all on my own.

      Hyperbole and a Half‘s Allie Brosch did a piece about that, actually. I’ll try to remember to let you read it tonight, if you’d like.

      Like

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