April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
I’m an adrenaline junkie, hardcore. I love speed, heights, danger, fear, excitement, power, shocks, et cetera. if my heart’s not pounding, I’m probably slightly to heavily bored.
I think this is one reason I’m always getting myself into so much trouble. not just in the area of “seeking out risky situations” or “carrying out risky behaviours” as many works will attribute to a person’s being bipolar. rather, it keeps me stressed and tense too.
I have a day off of work. well obviously instead of resting, I should fill it with something exciting.
I have a new project to start working on? I’ll dive right into it until it becomes too easy; then I’ll stop and wait until the last minute so that I have to dramatically push through it quickly.
and I’m serious about being passionate about these things. for example, anyone who knows me IRL is aware of just how insanely fucked up my nerves are. I jump and am startled by the slightest thing. I’ll be just typing on my computer, not even with headphones on; my friends enters the office behind me and when he starts to speak, I freak the fuck out. yet I will seek out the most intense and frightening horror flicks I can find, and I’ll go to as many scare trails as I can during the Halloween season.
I always have the top bunk. I’ve got to ride the tallest and most topsy-turvy ride at every amusement park. the higher the floor of an office or hotel, the better. can I reach the roof of a building? I don’t know, but I’m gonna at least try my damnedest.
75 mph is so slow. I’ve topped 115 in my vehicle before. speeding downhill on a bicycle is both exhilarating and freeing. I’m impatient and impulsive. let’s do it now, not later. let’s do it fast, not slow. let’s be intense, not mild.
but that means that when things are slow, calm, low, or sedentary, I lose my shit. I get bored. and I don’t deal with boredom well. after a while, the boredom leads to anxiousness. and the anxiousness increases and inbreeds and I turn into a psycho freaked out monster. then even a high fix won’t help. I just break; I fritz out.
it means that I struggle to appreciate quiet beauty. lying with bed with Brian just cuddling — I wonder why we’re not playing a video game or at least reading. I can’t sit still an wait on a bus, enjoying the gorgeous weather; instead I’m pacing and anxious because I have nothing with which to occupy my dangerous mind.
and I think that’s where much of it comes from: my untethered Mind. when my Body gets quiet, my Mind gets loud. and then I can’t function properly. I start over-thinking and -analyzing. I start freaking myself out over all sorts of horrible things. depending on the phase of my bipolar and on other factors, I can go in many directions. depressed — I focus on how much of a fuckup I am. manic — I start to hallucinate further and have grand ideas, sometimes even carrying them out. if my to-do list and schedule are clear, I spaz because obviously I’ve forgotten about some very important event or task or obligation and am neglecting it. or if my plate is full and I’m not busy working to clear it off, I get overwhelmed and panic.
when I’m not in High Gear, my treacherous Mind self-annihilates. and then I just break completely.