I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t decide. I started this entry several times, focusing on different words and concepts each time. the letter “F” has a lot of personal meaning to me. it’s been literally carved into my skin more times than I can count. there is no mere single word I can choose. (not even “fuck”, lol.)
so instead, we’re doing this….
Feelings: i am overwhelmed with these emotions and reactions that i cannot seem to control, do not seem to understand.
i feel it all. / numb to nothing, / i feel it all. / standing in my own, / cut and bleeding, / i feel it all.
Freedom: this often causes me to feel like i’m trapped in my life, in this shell and these expectations.
some days aren’t yours at all. / they come and go / as if they’re someone else’s days. / they come and leave you behind someone else’s face, / and it’s harsher than yours / and colder than yours.
Flee: i want to escape the barriers of this existence, the pain inside my mind.
i was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. / but heaven knows I’m miserable now. / “you’ve been the house too long,” she said. / and i naturally fled.
Forget: i want to let go of my past and start anew.
sometimes i remember the darkness of my past / bringing back these memories i wish i didn’t have. / sometimes i think of letting go and never looking back, / and never moving forward so there’d never be a past.
Force: i want to be stronger and move on, to improve and change.
reckon i’ll close the door, / pull down the curtains, stay close to the floor. / mercy is for the weak; we do not train to be merciful here. / mercy is everything I fear; we do not train to see His mercy here.
Future: but i’m terrified of what lies ahead.
in the wastelands of today — / when tomorrow disappears, / when the Future slips away, / and your hope turns into fear / in the wastelands of today.
Fear: this apprehension and anxiety controls so much of me, so many of my decisions; and it keeps me trapped.
time is shorter than you know. / i know the light is blinding to the naked eye. / so why don’t you take steps away from being alone? / i swear, it’s not too late for you. / so come on down, / what are you so afraid of?
Failure: because I know i’ll just fuck something up again; i know that i’ll never be “good enough” for myself.
and i will be someone i admire. / and it’s funny how i imagined / that i could be that person now. / but that’s not what i want; / but that’s what i wanted. / and i’d be giving up somehow. / how strange to see / that i don’t wanna be the person that i want to be.
Fake: but I try anyway; i pretend, and most people buy it.
but you’ll fight, and you’ll make it through. / you’ll Fake it if you have to. / and you’ll show up for work with a smile. / you’ll be better, you’ll be smarter, / and more grown up, and a better daughter.
Family: even the ones i love the most believe the lies that i’m okay and i’ll make it out alright.
i cannot / run from my Family. / they’re hiding inside me, / corpses on ice. / come in if you’d like. / but just don’t tell my Family; / they’d never Forgive me. / they say that I’m crazy.
Following instructions: that i’m a good girl, that i am responsible, and that i do as i should.
but lately you’ve been painting on the walls / with a black fire you lit, / and it’s a lie, / and i hate it. / but still you think it’s you, / so you keep it.
Fuck-up: but none of these facades will change what i truely am.
but i’m / nothing special. I’m / not unique. I / have many secrets, and I / eat the weak.
Falling: and i know i will continue on in this downward spiral of self-hate and disappoint.
you are the wind, the flood, and the flame. / nothing here can get in your way. / you’ve come too far to care what they say. / now you’re the only thing in your way.
Fly away: until i finally just quit…
the pills, the windowsill, / razor blade, great escape. / so lonely, the feeling, / the slipping, the bleeding. / good lord, where are you found?