Apathy

so we’re twelve or so days into my being on nothing but OTC vitamins and Seroquel.  one of my aunt has been a lifesaver in sending me the extras from her husband’s perscriptions. otherwise, I’d seriously be up shit-creek right now. Brian’d be having to peel me off the ceiling.

but Seroquel doesn’t help my depression; just my OCD, hypomania, and sometimes my severe anxieties. I’m having my depression-induced panic attacks and emotional breakdowns. I’m inable tobeven feed myself some days because I can’t hardly even breathe between all the crying fits.

Brian’s been great about helping to encourage and strenghten me, but also in just taking care of and providing for me when I can’t function.

I mean, we are beyond the somewhat joking “I can’t afult” stages of incompetency. we’ve entered the “even babies are better at self-preservation and life than me” level of patheticness and hopelessness.

hell, my cat helped to keep me alive on Saturday. he was glued to me all day, all night. seriously, he didn’t even allow me to piss without his supervision. which, honestly, was for the best. you can remove blades and sharp objects and fire and ice, thinking the ailed person won’t be able to hurt himself; but the determined always find a way. it’s actually much easier to find ways to cause yourself harm than most realise. you know, except those of us who are desperate enough; then it’s a case of trying to escalte the level of pain or damage.

anyway. I haven’t done anything permanent recently.  my last bout of cutting occured a week or two before I returned to Louisiana the first time since the move, back in October. though honestly, they are two in the top three of worst.

Saturday, I hit have to hitting and hair-pulling; but Brian usually caught those before they got out of hand. and Saturday exhausted me so, most of Sunday was spent curled up bawling hiding in piles of blankets attempting to escape via slumber.

and today?: considerably Empty. I had calls at work that should have at least slightly stressed me — didn’t care. my final call of the day, a lady requested to speak to my supervisor — to express praise and appreciation of the service I provided unto her. I did, indeed, transfer her; but I didn’t bother to ensure she knew my full name. because here also, I didn’t care. I did grin and chuckle during a few of thenmore amicable calls. but overall?– eh.

and it’s not even the “my Give-a-Damn is busted” type of carelessness; that’s more of ambivalence than actual apathy. today, I just don’t have any moods, opinions, expectations, desires … whatever … in any direction or to any degree. hell, I wasn’t even my typical “bored out of my mind” between calls or during the downtime. I just kinda sat there, waiting until the next whatever happened — call, break, ::shrugs:: meh.

usually during lunch, I would try not tobsit w a coworker, because I would prefer to read my book. but today, rather than try to determine if someone saw me, or determine my preferred place to sit and eat, I just landed wherever I landed. which today, as it turned out, could have been in a tub of ice, and I’m not sure it would have stood out to me any.

I mean, I guess the fact that I al aware of the unusually strong numbness inside is a good sign. it means I still have some sense of how things are “supposed to be” or how they “typically” are. it’s just odd.

usually when i am as hungry as i am at the moment, I am experiencing either one or both of the following sensations — “man, I can’t wait to eat”, “I’m being strong for not caving in and eating”. but right now, it’s meh. the self-consuming monster in my stomach is mildly annoying, because that’s all the Feel I apparently have to spare at the moment. the rest is bejng reserved for deciding the importance and urgency of other bodily requirements — “do I need to pee?”, “am I about to sneeze?”, “am I capable of maintaining consciousness?”, “am I behaving in such a manner than will not encourage my arrest?”, etc.

not giving a fuck and carelessness are still notable on the scale of emotions and even intent. true Apathy is not. and that fact is only mildly thought-provocingthought-provoking.

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