Voluntary Manslaughter

para-suicide is … interesting, to say the least.

it’s a case of wanting to die, but wanting to not be the one who does it.

and there really should be a middle ground between suicidal and para-suicidal. like maybe semi-suicidal…? for example, I have been semi-suicidal twice now. I wasn’t really trying to kill myself; but if I ended up dead, all the better.

the first time was back in 2004 when I overdosed on Tylenol. I wasn’t actively trying to die. I had a migraine from a severe concussion I had a few hours proir. I have a thick blood barrier in my brain — meaning any substance I take, good or bad, doesn’t get into my brain as easily as it would for most meaning; which means I have to take more and/or stronger doses of a given substance.

I.E. pain medication. I was easily taking eight to ten Tylenols a day just for my normal headaches and migraines. so in order to relieve the massive pain from my aforementioned concussion, I was having to eat those pills like candy.

meanwhile, due to an unrelated issue influenced by my severe depressive state, I cut my arms up terribly. my boyfriend at the time was over playing games with my brother. at one point, he came in to check on me. I was dizzy from the meds and rather bloody. he reached out to a few of my friends who also self-injured and self-medicated; they reccommend a hospital trip.

long story short, I had taken over 25 extra-strength Tylenol is a span of six or so hours. my stomach had to be pumped; had I gone to sleep, the docs told me, I wouldn’t have woken up.

in that situation, had I not woken up, I would been fine with that. my goal was not actually to kill myself; rather, my goals were to ease my unbearable migraine, and to punish myself for the cause of my depression and self-loathing. I didn’t cut too deep, firstly. and secondly, after I did my research anout the maximum recommended amount of Tylenol one should take, I began more accutely recording how much I took and when; that way, if I did end up at a doctor, I could accurately report to them my consumption. I wasn’t trying to ensure my death would occur; rather, I was actively not taking steps to ensure it didn’t occur.

the second time was this past October. my court date for that damned DUI was right around the corner. and rather than deal with the issue by reaching out to my friends, I tore my skin apart. I tok a blade and dragged in down my arm along the path of the vein. my thoughts were such: if I didn’t, I needed to stop the bleeding and clean up my mess; if I did die, then I less things to worry about. by the end of it all, I was in such hysterics that Brian had to basically coddle me and send me to bed. I mean, heeven had to help me rinse off the blood and such. real pathetic, I know.

so where are we now? well, the last few weeks, I couldn’t have killed myself even if I wanted to — I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t even have the energy or desire to drink myself into a stupor … because I was already there naturally.

but now we have a psychiatrist appointment scheduled, I have my work schedule understood and predictable, I have my weekly chiropractic appointments back in line, and I have even met with a therapist twice in one month. moreover, Zero has his first vet appointment up here this weekend, work is telling me I’m doing an amazing job and have potential tobmove over to full-time, I have a GP and an OB appointment set for next month, and we’re finally getting enough money that I may be able to do a Amazon Blitz soon (which basically entails my buying myself a ton of discounted books, maybe a self-love fift or two (like epsom salt), and trying to get a gift for someone I Love (Daminelle, Jenna, and Kiera are over-due for presents). so I guess things are getting better. or at least, we’re on the road to getting better.

I know everyone always throws out that bullshit about “the light at the end of the tunnel”, and I know many of our kind know the comeback “yeah, and it’s a fucking train”; but I’m the point where I want to explain how long this goddamned tunnel is, and how I’m ready to just lay on the tracks and stop walking.

《~ posted via mobile device ~》


4 thoughts on “Voluntary Manslaughter

  1. I love you, James. I’m glad you’ve made it as far as you have, but I’m sad the trip has been so difficult for you.

    I feel what you wrote. I’ve gone months, not quite years, but close, where I’ve prayed, begged, wished on every passing star, and more, that my life would end in a way no one could blame on me, wanting every second for something to remove the pain. It sucked, and I’m thankful that I’m not there anymore.

    Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know we’ve discussed much of the approaches and methods that have worked for you, in regards to getting to a “better place”. do you mind sharing again, even if just in a general sense?


      • Two things have had more impact on me and my improvement than any other. First is feeling every emotion that comes up as completely as possible, no matter how much I might not like it, not judging the emotion, and letting it go once I’ve felt it completely. Emotions are valuable messages from our biological heritage. We judge them as good or bad, but if instead we can learn from the messages they contain, they are a powerful tool for understanding ourselves, our circumstances, and what we might want to do to address or change them.

        I call this change the transition into not getting worse. In 2014, I had packed away into my body so many emotions for so long that trying to avoid any new emotion resulted in depression, illness, and injury. Finally accepting my emotions meant I was no longer shoving things into a long overfilled to bursting barrel.

        Second was beginning to unpack the emotions I had been storing in my body rather than facing them. Literally decades of emotions had been crammed in. I was full of stagnant, foul, foetid energy. I started working with Kat while I was staying with you. She has helped me move, release, and free much of the pent up emotions and energy in my body. She has also helped me to reconnect to my body, to feel all of it, and to listen to what it is telling me.

        I describe this as when I started to get better, instead of just not getting worse. It has created a sense of lightness, and ease in my life, where before, everything was effort and struggle.

        A key in the first change was listening to The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer something like 4 times in a row. It helped me reconnect to my understanding of philosophical taoism from when I was younger, and helped me start putting it into practice.


  2. Overdose and blood loss are slow and prone to failure methods. They’re useful when you’re not sure whether you want to die or not, and in general survival doesn’t equal permenant damage.

    Even if the light at the end of the tunnel is an exit, I’m willing to let the train run me over. Life is boring and pointless. Sure, if I were a celebrity it might’ve been different – I would’ve lived a wild life. But when your life is empty, why go on?


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