I was having a fit Thursday, right around 1300h. and below is what I scrawled onto my tablet….
I can’t focus. everything is moving at a different speed than me. sometimes it’s all so slow, creeping past me. and other times I blink and I can’t see to figure out what happened to the last 10 minutes of my life — because I surely wasn’t present for it.
I think it’s the medication. I think it’s because I took 20mg this morning, as I did yesterday, where I have been taking only 10mg and at night. 20mg is supposed to be taken to help with manic/hypomanic symptoms; that’s what I have right now. …I think.
I can’t even seem to focus on this, on spilling out my pain and frustrations into words, onto the metaphorical paper. every building (I’m on the bus) is bright, and all birds are loud. the streets are shining. the headphones sauntering into my ears via my headphones, that even can’t block out the noise that’s inside my head and outside my Mind.
every colour is vivid, even blacks and greys. the common, monotone hum of the bus is sing-songy and distracting. I can feel the very subtle crevices on the keys beneath each of my fingertips. the small bumps the bus traverses are ditch jumps, and the actual hills outside are complete mountains.
the bus. where am I? I hope I’m going the right way. it’s so hard to tell. I don’t have any internet/Wi-Fi capabilities, so I have no way to ensure I’m on the right path. I have no printed information, as I fled work with minimal preparation.
I was attempting to focus. I was attempting to do my job, to provide “good customer service”. but I couldn’t even provide an attention span, much less the ability to carry out any real functions on a semi-complex technical system. I couldn’t even speak properly several times as the morning progressed. I couldn’t think. I had a moment, an honest-to-gods instance, wherein I didn’t know what was going on — “oh right, I’m at work, which is at a call center, in Minnesota.” my Mind, my attention, my focus — I had nothing at the time. not an inkling of what the fuck was going on.
so I left. I tried calling and texting Brian, to no avail. he must be in a meeting or something, I have no idea.
it’s 30 minutes later. I should be 10 minute from home. but instead, I’m sitting on a curb in Minneapolis proper. at least it’s not raining. or super cold. snow would be okay. but I’m lost. I *think* I may be waiting on the correct bus — to get me home almost an hour later than it was supposed to, because the bus driver gave me the wrong information, and because I don’t know my way around this city, and because I hate everything, and because I can’t Adult for the life of me — non-ironically.
I am sitting here literally praying (see also “begging the universe”) that a car or SU just cub-jumps and slices my head off. I hope it’s a murderer or something; someone who would “deserve” homicide jail time. but I just want this shit to end.
I had to get off the bus, because I was pretty sure I was going totally NOT in the right direction; and I was accurate. so I’m backtracking more than necessary. whee!
both of my supervisors were MIA. I could have texted one of them, but I didn’t have his number, and I didn’t think to get it from a coworker, because I wasn’t capable of thinking at all. I went to the back to see a coworker acquaintance who sits next to my preferred supervisor; she confirmed the sup’s being MIA. she knows I’m rather bat-shit, so I told her that I had to bail. I had already tried reaching out to Brian, to no avail. I just needed someone to tell me *it was okay to go home* — personally, not professionally.
eventually, I managed to get in touch with Brian. he was dodgy; not sure what was going on. like I said, maybe a meeting or something. anyway, so I told him. as best as I could, because I was still not speaking coherently. I think he got the jist, though. he told me to go home. he said he couldn’t give me a ride, and that I should take the bus.
so I bailed. I saw the bus was leaving in about five minutes, and I was out the door. didn’t even piss.
when the bus arrived, I inquired if it was going to the main road/stop I needed, and he said yeah. about ‘re not really going in the direction I need; I inquired again, and suddenly this isn’t the right route. I’m lost in Minneapolis now, and upset; and still panicky from my freak-out.
I think I know where I’m at now. I got on a bus that *should* have taken me the right way.
I eventually happen upon a street whose name I know, and I follow it to another street that I know, then I took the second street to an intersection I know can SOMEHOW get me home.