delayed posts

below are some posts I typed up on my tablet/netbook, but never managed to submit to WordPress.  ugh; I gotta get better about that, lol.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016 @ 1709h

there was a language barrier.  it was back in March or so, I think, and I was meeting with my therapist at the time, whose primary language was not English.  I was talking about my sleeping issues, about my exhaustion, and about my being para-suicidal.  she must have misunderstood, thinking I said I was suicidal because I couldn’t sleep.

I’m para-suicidal again.  or at least, semi-para-suicidal.  I’m idealizing and romanticizing it again.  I’m imagining how wonderful it would be to just end it all, to never exist again.  to just cease being alive.  at a large reason for this is because I hate this job.  I hate what I do every day, and I hate what I get compensated by.

 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016 @ 1440h

Brian and I spoke last night about the job.  sooner than I had prepared for, though, so I had overly emotional reactions to some of his statements and assessments.  it was discouraging, because I didn’t really get to present anything in the more logical and rational manner that I had intended.

for example, at one point, he said something along the lines of my not being able to quit (for financial reasons) because we’re going to Canada.  and more aggressively than I wish I had, I stated, “I’d rather not go to Canada” while tears welled up in my eyes.  I think it really struck a nerve with him; because suddenly, after that, he was much more terse and yielding – which is his Scary Form to me.  I’d rather him be angry than Terse-and-Yielding; anger and un-yielding I know, but this is unfamiliar territory.

anyway.  so we got in a tiff.  it was one of our usual ones, wherein we both try to give the other person what we think he/she wants: Brian was insisting we skip Canada so I could quit my job; I was concurring with his accuracy in my quitting until we better know our financial situation and/or I have a replacement job lined up.  by the end of it, he was telling me yes Canada and yes to quitting, and I was telling him I would stay until I got something that paid better even if I hated it more.  I mean, it was really ridiculous and terrible.

_________

I suppose I should explain the job situation as it stands now.

it was a three-month call center/customer service contract position for <REDACTED, lol> website/online orders.  I started Feb 15,  so it should have ended mid-May.  initially, the pay was going to be 13.50; when no one took the bait, they up’d it to $15.  now, for those back home (Louisiana), that sounds like a lot.  it’s not.  when you look at the comparative cost of living and such, it’s really not all that impressive.  $15 here is about $12.50 back home.

now, y’all know pay isn’t the most important thing to me.  however, the fact that they hired on non-contract people for a minimum of $17.50 kinda ticked many of us off.  additionally, we are forced to take certain holidays off without pay (Easter, Labour day, Independence Day, etc.); the non-contractors have the option of working – don’t work for normal pay, or work for time-and-a-half.  all I’d like is to be able to work, period; I don’t even need the extra money.

but what actually pisses me off, what makes me hate this whole job – the complete inefficiency of the system, department, or whatever.  more often than not, I have to tell a Guest we can’t do something, not because it’s policy, but because the system doesn’t work right.  they implemented a whole new system, for example, WITHOUT BETA TESTING IT FIRST.  I honestly don’t think they even did an “alpha” test.  I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous how inefficient this corporation is on the website end of things.

the website itself, not just the ordering portion, is frequently malfunctioning.  and their solution to their customers and employees – “clear your cache and cookies”.  wtf?   I’m not kidding when I tell you that one time that I had to call our internal IT for a program on my PC going out of whack, the tech told me to clear its cache and cookies.  I was like, “…this is a program, not a browser; it doesn’t have that kind of temporary memory.”  her next and final recommendation was to turn the computer off for thirty minutes, then turn it back on; that would, she said, fix everything.  WHAT. THE PREPOSTEROUS.  FUCK.  like, seriously.

and the customers.  so many of the customers are rich, entitled, self-righteous, stay-at-home, trophy wives.  I can’t handle it.  because they believe they are *owed* everything, just for being them.  you get a damaged item?—yes, we should (and do) send you a replacement item at no cost (not even shipping).  want to return something?—yes, in most cases, you can return it and be refunded even the original shipping.  but when you want 40% discounts or $30 gift cards just because *you* think you deserve it—go fuck your uppity, nauseating bitch self.

______

I had one other job wherein I was so depressed and disliked it so much, it was literally painful.  I preferred kids vomiting and biting me and mom’s cursing me out while working at a professional portrait studio to that job in question – I was retail cashier.  I dreaded going to work.  I would sneak away on bathroom breaks to text one of my besties at the time about how much I wanted to just walk out the front door and into traffic.  I wanted to just quit immediately, not even giving a two weeks’ notice.  (normal for me is giving one month’s notice, lol.)  the other cashier job I had, at a corner store, generated similar results.  and this job here – same thing.  it’s the same shit, over and over and over.  no challenges, nothing new or different, nothing challenging or entertaining.  I can’t handle the boredom, the simplicity.

that has me concerned about these data entry jobs to which I’ve been applying.  super easy, and I type anywhere from 79 to 100 WPM (depending on topic, source, and keyboard).  but it will be SO. FUCKING. BORING.  again, probably too simple.

there’s a $18 12-month contract data entry job coming up.  the bus ride may end up being two hours (will have to look it up), but it’s the boredom about which I’m most concerned.  oi.

 

Thursday, July 7, 2016 @ 1511h

I think I figured part of it out: why I hate this job so much; why I hated those other jobs.

I’m already basically constantly para-suicidal.  in any given moment, I’d probably rather be dead than be alive.  and in many instances, I would prefer to even take my own life than not.  but I know stats and probability, cause and effect, etc.  I realise that the likelihood I would succeed and things would go well are starkly less than that of things fucking up horribly and making my life worse than it was before my attempt.  because of this, I don’t do it; I don’t kill myself because of math and luck.

so when I encounter something like this job that makes me want to be alive even less — it becomes literally unbearable.  it’s not that my job makes me want to kill myself.  rather, it’s that I already want to kill myself, and my job is the opposite of discouragement to not.

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