last night was fun, albeit exhausting. it was great to hang out, and the food my friend and I cooked was delicious. but being around people, having to hold a conversation that lasts more than thirty minutes – I just have so much more trouble with it now than I used to. at least in the past, I would normally be able to keep rolling until the other person was done. but the mix of my medication and the social activity just wore me the hell out.
I don’t know how to ask people to leave. I never really do it; I just wait until they are ready – ever the host. and it wouldn’t have been a I-don’t-want-to-be-in-your-company-anymore goodbye, or a I’m-not-enjoying-myself farewell; rather, it was just a I-can-hardly-keep-my-eyes-open-and-I’m-socially-drained apology.
in other news, I went to a kink munch last weekend. I didn’t really make any friends at that precise location, but I have a better idea of what to expect at the next one. but more importantly, I have an idea of how their groups are organized up here. and I did make a few contacts, so that’s good.
it’s slow coming, this whole “make friends” thing. and I know what part of the issue is: I want a group of friends, not one or two close friends. I want a bunch of people with whom I don’t have to be super close. I like entertaining a large group of people, then focusing on each person for a few moments, making them feel special and like an individual, then moving on to the next person. I don’t like the constant conversation that I would have to have with a single person.
the aforementioned friend that I hung out with last night, she noted how in the south, we just talk up anyone in the grocery store, in a movie line, etc. no matter who you are or where you’re at, it’s totally acceptable to just chat. that’s the kind of interaction II like – totally surficial and shallow. that’s not to suggest I don’t like deep conversations; it’s just that those exhaust the living hell outta me. I can’t do those for too long or too often, and I really don’t want to do them with most folks anyway. that “how’s the weather” talk? that can be done with anyone, and it can be ended abruptly and no one cares.
that’s why I love large groups. I can randomly include a new person and just seem like I’m being nice and inclusive, whereas I’m actually hoping for a topic change, or for the new person to replace my spot in the conversation.
but I don’t know how to find that here. because everyone’s so reclusive and judgmental. how do I find the distant, group-like friendships that most people have and would rather trade-in for something close and meaningful? I want that distance, that safety. I don’t want a new best friend; I like the ones I have back in Louisiana. and if I ever need a heart-to-heart, I know I can call, text, or even Skype them. what I want is someone who will do things, go places, participate in activities that minimize the need for deep communication between us.
and I thought that’s what I’d be able to easily find up here. but it’s not. because it’s a different culture.
that’s what my culture shock is – how no one acknowledges one another in the north. that’s what I miss the most about the south; that’s what makes me homesick.
so there it is: I got the culture shock I told Brian I wanted. and I’m not sure what my stance on it is – regret, or fulfillment.