another year

I will have been alive for 30 years as of tomorrow.  the current average life expectancy for both males and females is about 78 years.  I like to be liberal and take off a few years due to my general stupidity and possibly brain damage via concussions, lol.  but even so, even if we say 70 years, I’m more than halfway through my life.  this is comforting in the fact that this shit is probably at least half over.

but this is depressing, as I’m at halfway through and still have no clue what the hell I’m doing.  sure, no one ever really “gets” Life or masters it.  but I don’t rightly care.  I’m not comparing myself to them; I’m comparing myself to me.  and I’m no better now than I was few years ago; in fact, I think I’m worse than I was ten years ago.  at least during my college years I was still in school and learning; I had a semblance of a purpose.

but now, I don’t even had a sail or a rudder, much less a plan.

I want that to end.  I’ve been making very big, positive steps to get Better —   mentally/emotionally: I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist; I’m going to group therapy; I’m taking my medication regularly.  physically: I’m working out regularly again; I’m on great meds for my pain and sleep; I’m drinking much less, and have cut out the harder drinks.  professionally: I’m doing mediocre at job hunting; I’m taking steps to getting my car and license back; I’ve doing well about getting back onto the SNAP program; I’m spending less money in general.  et cetera, et cetera.  hell, amid all this, I even got back on the Nerd Fitness forums (which often helped me a lot).

I’m just scared of the inevitable Down again.  it seems like my Downswings are always more stark than my Ups.  that leads to a general decline, which is not cool.

anyway, I want to see about stopping this.  I want to start having a better approach to life, a better view of what’s going on now and what’s to come.  this means making both short-term and long-term plans and goals.

most people do annual reviews during December and January.  my birthday is right at the end of summer; it’s not an arbitrary date for me, so I’ll adopt it for my transition period.  so in the next post or two, I’ll put up what I hope to be the start of my annual “Annual Review”.  ::crosses fingers hopefully::

but back to my birthday.  I don’t really know what Brian’s going to do.  he already gave me one gift — plastic goggles (for when I’m chopping onions, cleaning with bleach, or changing the cat litter).  he knows I like useful gifts, so yeah.  I’m pretty sure I know the other thing he’s getting me (no spoilers).  we talked about cooking a fancy dinner together, then dressing up and eating the dinner at the kitchen table — save money, instead of going out to eat.  I have a feeling that’s going to be a disaster.  maybe I’m being pessimistic because we had a tiff last night that wasn’t resolved, so I slept on the couch; of course, he awoke butt-hurted this morning because I never came to bed.  so we’re at odds right now.

I just feel so alone up here.  so I feel like I want to celebrate my birthday alone.  I want to spend a day or two being INCREDIBLY PRODUCTIVE, and just call that my gift to myself, The End.  but we’ll see what he decides tonight….


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