the Darkness

I wouldn’t call it a “fascination” or “obsession”.  it’s a relationship.  it’s an unhealthy, symbiotic relationship that we have — the Darkness and me.

I’m starting to work out again, and I’ve been making good progress on my DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy) work.  I’m cutting out snacking, and I’m going to start eating better.  I have a really good job, my car is running fine, I’m starting to make a place in certain social circles, etc.

but I can feel It.  It’s pulling me in, with It’s Beauty and Awe.  I’m ready to stop eating complete, for example.  the idea of embracing my eating disorders that I managed to subdue, it’s attractive.  of going down some Darker paths of truths and ideals.  mental images of me cutting are once again what I use to calm my nerves and focus my attention.

It’s warm and familiar and close.  It wraps me up in a thick blanket of comfort and knowledge.  It’s always there when I come back, in one form or another.

my musical taste, my reading preferences, my thoughts, desires, ideals, hopes — they’re all Darker.  and not the “bad dark”, but the beautiful Darkness.  the one that’s ever ready to hold you tight in Its arms, slowly suffocating you with Its comfort.

I suppose it’s potentially a romanticization of an aspect of depression.  or it’s just me thinking only about the good times prior to my “getting better”.  whatever it is, it’s real to me….

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