welcome back, old friend

I caught myself doing it again.  embracing the empty stomach, looking forward to the stories I’d have to fabricate and the avoidance of eating in various situations.  I was remembering the different tricks I had — fill up on water first, only eat when excess physical activity had occurred.  song lyrics and lines from poems run back through my brain.  I can see clearly in my mind the music videos and websites and forums that I used to frequent.

this is always something that happens when I really start focusing on improving my health and getting into better shape — I look back fondly upon my days of taking it too far.  I realize it’s not healthy.  but I believe it’s more healthy than where I am now.

“is it though?”, I sometimes wonder.  because with the return of the eating disorder is often a return of self-injury.  also, the glorification of my ED is double-sided, as it causes me distress and anxiety too upon the ED’s return.

even now, as I sit and type this, I recall pondering if I was going to skip lunch today or not.  I had a large breakfast, and I probably won’t work out today.  with all that in mind, I want to skip a meal or two; I need to skip some meals.  lest I cut myself as punishment for eating too much and not working out more.  aye, there’s the rub.

help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there’s no one else to Blame.

~ Sia – “Breathe Me”

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4 thoughts on “welcome back, old friend

  1. I know I am lucky I have never had an eating disorder. I have definitely gone days in a row, going to bed hungry, stomach aching and it wasn’t a problem. Going to bed hungry is just as easy as with a full stomach and honestly I used it as a tool sometimes for better sleep. Eating disorders are never healthy though and hope it is just a reflection of your fluid thought vs. concrete beliefs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • it’s common for people with eating disorders to also have issues with addiction. EDs are largely based on addiction themselves. and a piece of addiction is romanticizing your target and issue. I’m aware that’s all that’s happening here, but it’s still so real.

      that’s interesting that you would use an empty stomach to sleep better. how exactly did that work?

      Like

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