I caught myself doing it again. embracing the empty stomach, looking forward to the stories I’d have to fabricate and the avoidance of eating in various situations. I was remembering the different tricks I had — fill up on water first, only eat when excess physical activity had occurred. song lyrics and lines from poems run back through my brain. I can see clearly in my mind the music videos and websites and forums that I used to frequent.
this is always something that happens when I really start focusing on improving my health and getting into better shape — I look back fondly upon my days of taking it too far. I realize it’s not healthy. but I believe it’s more healthy than where I am now.
“is it though?”, I sometimes wonder. because with the return of the eating disorder is often a return of self-injury. also, the glorification of my ED is double-sided, as it causes me distress and anxiety too upon the ED’s return.
even now, as I sit and type this, I recall pondering if I was going to skip lunch today or not. I had a large breakfast, and I probably won’t work out today. with all that in mind, I want to skip a meal or two; I need to skip some meals. lest I cut myself as punishment for eating too much and not working out more. aye, there’s the rub.
help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there’s no one else to Blame.
~ Sia – “Breathe Me”