saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago. I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again. I mean, they’re not there yet. but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera. Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed. or if he has, he hasn’t said much. there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us. and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word? “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.
anyway. I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again. I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action. that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are. but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked. so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.
I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time. I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day. I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting. honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something). with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.
my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication. I mean, what else can she do? I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera. I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps. her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that. I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help. but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.
so, my new cocktail is as follows:
- Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA): 90 mcg; as needed
- Alprazolam (Xanax): 0.5 mg; as needed
- Aripiprazole (Abilify): 10 – 20 mg; once mornings
- Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin): 150 mg; once mornings
- Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote): 250 mg; once mornings, three nights
- Gabapentin (?): 300 mg; once mornings, once nights
- Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa): 0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
- Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor): 10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
- Ropinirole (Requip): 0.5 mg; once nights
Vitamins & Supplements
- Antihistamine: 25 mg; once mornings
- B-12: 1000 mcg; once mornings
- C: 1000 mg; once mornings
- Cranberry: 4200; once nights
- D3: 2000 IU; twice mornings
- Iron: 65 mg; once mornings (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
- Melatonin: 6 mg; as needed
- Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health): 97.5 mg; as needed
think I’m on enough pills….?