medicinal cocktails

saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago.  I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again.  I mean, they’re not there yet.  but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera.  Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed.  or if he has, he hasn’t said much.  there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us.  and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word?  “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.


anyway.  I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again.  I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action.  that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are.  but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked.  so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.

I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time.  I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day.  I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting.  honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something).  with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.

my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication.  I mean, what else can she do?  I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera.  I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps.  her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that.  I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help.  but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.


so, my new cocktail is as follows:


  • Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA):  90 mcg; as needed
  • Alprazolam (Xanax):  0.5 mg; as needed
  • Aripiprazole (Abilify):  10 – 20 mg; once mornings
  • Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin):  150 mg; once mornings
  • Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote):  250 mg; once mornings, three nights
  • Gabapentin (?):  300 mg; once mornings, once nights
  • Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa):  0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
  • Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor):  10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
  • Ropinirole (Requip):  0.5 mg; once nights

Vitamins & Supplements

  • Antihistamine:  25 mg; once mornings
  • B-12:  1000 mcg; once mornings
  • C:  1000 mg; once mornings
  • Cranberry:  4200; once nights
  • D3:  2000 IU; twice mornings
  • Iron:  65 mg; once mornings  (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
  • Melatonin:  6 mg; as needed
  • Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health):  97.5 mg; as needed


think I’m on enough pills….?


7 thoughts on “medicinal cocktails

    • yeah, I don’t recall ever taking so many pills before. it’s really obnoxious. and I’m taking all this at different times of the day, depending on their side effects (anxiety, drowsiness, upset stomach, etc.). this is a nightmare. and my online pharmacy that keeps track of it all is no longer on my insurance; so I’m back to logging and tracking it myself — while still remembering to actually take them! D:

      when did you Depakote disaster happen??

      Liked by 1 person

      • Damn, that sounds like a nightmare.
        This was back in 2008 (shit, almost ten years ago…). When I realized they weren’t trying to poison me and actually starting taking the meds, the tried me on so many different things.
        I remember just konking out and having someone knock on my door- “Kiera, it’s time for lunch.” I just went back to sleep, and what felt like minutes later, “It’s time for dinner.” For at least two days. Just slept.


  1. wow, I had a bad enough time taking one type of medicine for my depression! are you going to have to take all these in the long term, or are there some that you will be able to get off at some point. I can’t imagine having to remember to take all these, especially on top of all the struggles of mental health 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never stayed on a medication successfully for more than two years. it always seems to “wear off”. so she’s adding new meds this time, instead of changing them totally. it’s also a new psych as of 1.5 years ago, when I moved across the country.

      I have a pill box with separate compartments for different times … oh, and a lot of alarms, lol!


  2. I know whatbyou mean by all the pills. I had to get an old lady pill caddy.

    Take 100mg levothyroxine (thyroid meds) in the morning, wait an hour the Zoloft, vitamin D, C, B, biotin, flaxseed oil, allergy meds (sometimes benadryl to sleep, rx flonase, tramadol and methocarbamol when my sciatica is acting up. I feel awesome, but that’s a lot of pills to keep it together. I ‘accidentally’ (read: lazy) went off zoloft and went crazy for like 3 weeks. My doctor wont give me xanax because others have the propensity to become addicted or use it for entrepreneurial purposes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • yeah, my doc was hesitant to give me Xanax for similar reasons. and have addictive behaviour. but I informed the doc Xanax was too expensive to waste, lol! I’ve never abused ‘scripted meds; not my style.

      I have the pill caddy too, but multiple time a day. ugh, it’s such a pain. then you have to have a smaller travel one that you take to work or wherever.

      and that sounds like a lot of pills too. ugh.


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