medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

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5 thoughts on “medication, relationships, and disassociations

  1. not taking meds regularly is almost certainly one of the reasons you are off kilter. solution: take meds, every day, same time every day. Easier said than done.

    I used to take my meds sporadically, and then I moved in with M who said “take meds, every day, same time every day, or move out.” I developed the habit. And voila 70-90 percent of my mood issues? vanished. my meds actually WORKED when I took them as prescribed.

    My techniques for taking meds when I’m supposed to
    1) Med dispenser for the week. Every Tuesday night, I refill the dispenser. I have one for my morning meds and one for my evening meds. I know if I miss a dose because the pills are sitting there showing me I didn’t take my meds.
    2) Emergency med dispenser in my purse. 1 dose of morming, 1 dose of evening (everything except my insulin injection), anti-anxiety take as needed, and pain meds are in it. I would put midol in it if I’d ever remember. If I forget to take meds, and I have my purse with me, I can take the meds right then. (Key is to refill it once you empty it.)
    3) CareZone. It’s an app. Scan in (take pictures of) all your pill bottles, then set alarms for each medicine. the alarm sound on my phone is my text message notification sound. I check my phone to see who texted me and it says “time to take your 10 pm meds”. Then once I take it, I touch the notification and can click “take all” to say I took all my pills or just click one or two to show I didn’t take them all. Once a week it emails me with a percentage of the meds I took versus the meds I should have taken.
    4) Supportive partners. They ask “have you taken your meds” or say “it’s 10:30 do we need to go home so you can take your meds?” etc. I give them permission to nag, I discuss what comes across as helpful reminders and what comes across as nagging. Establish a safeword or no signal that means – drop it. We will discuss it later.

    You have to decide to take your pills, all of them, on time, every day. Then solutions help. Until you decide that you need to do so, all the solutions in the world will just be more nagging.

    ~Me

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was taking my meds same time every day: morning 6:00-6:30am, mid-day 1:00pm, and night 9:00-10:00pm. (that’s as close to “the same time” as is possible for me.) but then I stopped waking up at the same time very day because of the tiredness, and so I would wake up rushing and out of my normal routine.

    I keep emergency pills in my bag too. I just kept forgetting that I forgot by the time I got to work.

    I DL’d CareZone at one point. I may try it again; thanks.

    and Brian’s great at asking if I took my meds. Sean’s even helped me a few times.

    I guess by yesterday I was just so tired of being Tired that I didn’t have the energy to care about my medication. I dunno.

    but thank you for the suggestions. I really appreciate it. ❤

    Like

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