just a check-in

I’m noticing certain attributes and quirks about myself return as I’m continuing to not be on the Seroquel.  not all good, but whatever.  my therapist is suggesting that it’s not an incoming of a hypomania, but may be just getting back to “myself”.  I don’t feel like I have a “myself” — I am whatever the disease makes me.

she wants to work on how critical I am of myself.  we both understand a lot of it is connected to my relationship with and the my upbringing by my parents.  we both understand that this is going to be a difficult journey.  she thinks good will come of it; I think it may not make a difference.

I described to her how my brain was broken, and one such broken part was my self-critical nature.  I didn’t go into it, but another broken part is how I won’t let myself be happy.  I’m not even sure I want to be happy, because I’m not sure I deserve it.  of course all of this ties together.  but the overly self-judgmental portion is going to be the first focus.  we’ll see how that goes.

 

work is okay, I guess.  I’m still seeming to not do things correctly, and I’m still not fluent in Spanish.  so of course I believe that I’m still failing at this job.  everytime I take a step of initiative, it backfires.  and everytime I think I’ve really got something down, I’m informed of how inaccurately I did it.  it’s getting old; it’s exhausting and discouraging.

and the attorneys aren’t cruel or rude about it or anything.  I mean, every so often I’ll be told something in what I think is an necessarily forceful manner, but that doesn’t really get to me.  it’s the general suckiness of myself that gets to me.

as I was telling one of my besties, there seems to be an issue of miscommunication between me and another attorney (the head honcho, of course).  I don’t struggle with any other staff members, just her.  and I don’t know if they have issues with her too or not; and I’m not inquiring.

 

Wrestlemania was this past weekend.  if I get around to it, I may fangirl about it a little on here.  because OMG UNDERTAKER RETIRED AND THE HARDYZ ARE BACK.  what is happening in my life.  but more on that later, maybe.

 

I’m volunteering a lot again.  that’s kinda nice.  give me a fake sense of purpose, lol.  I volunteer one to two Saturdays a month with a pet food shelf; I’m trying to get onto the local nerd convention staff; I’m on my apartment complex’s volunteer team; and I’m about to be on the volunteer staff for the Minneapolis Bike Coalition.  so yeah, I should be keeping busy soon.

 

the weather is finally turning nice.  there’s a sun more times than not, and I’m down to wearing just my jean jacket over my work clothes, instead of seventeen different layers of fluff and puff.

 

okay, this is a long entry.  I’ll end it now.  write again soon.

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