I locked the door behind me as I was leaving for work yesterday morning. a thought flashed through my mind: “I should quit my job today.”
I didn’t.
and I won’t.
but I wanted to. not for any of the reasons I’ve ever left a job before — which is almost always that the job is slowly killing me on the inside. instead, I wanted to quit because I just wanted to quit everything.
I had stayed home Tuesday due to have fell ill over the weekend. I slept all. day. long. and Wednesday morning, I wondered why I wasn’t doing that everyday.
it’s been a while since I’ve just wanted to Quit. like, not necessarily or specifically Life itself. but just Everything. (recent months, it’s been wanting to very precisely Quit Life.) but as of the last few days?, weeks?, it’s been just wanting to casually say, “okay, that was fun. but I’m done now.”
like when you’re playing a game, and you’re just done playing. time to stop. nothing drastic like taking your ball home. nothing like forfeiting the play. just, time to stop playing. no remorse, no regret, just Quittin’ time.
part of me is very apathetic about my family coming up here in June. (another part is OMG, super stoked!) a large portion of me just doesn’t really care about anything.
will I be fit and prepared for the Tough Mudder? meh.
will I do something fun this weekend? meh.
will I enjoy reading my books the next time I pick them up? meh.
will I eat anything today? meh.
I just don’t really care about anything.
nothing seems important or matterful. things are neither easy nor difficult, good nor bad. I just don’t care.
I’m not sure if this is an improvement or just a side step from crippling depression. the jury is still out on this one.
James the Greatest 
I understand. The term for it is “ennui”
A friend of mine and I were talking about how important it is to have goals as an adult (hear me out, I know this sounds like some 12 stepping do-gooder bullshit), but I thought about it. Without goals and those things to look forward to or work toward, it just kind of feels like, me at least, that I’m waiting to live my life and not actually living it. For me, it’s losing weight and growing my hair out from a pixie cut.
Maybe this might help with the boredom and urge to quit it all.
I felt that way last week and a little this past week with all the work and relationship bullshit going on. Then I realized I just needed to find something outside of those two things to expend energy on.
Maybe a mental health vacation and start fresh next week?
Hugs from afar!
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I’m wasn’t familiar with that term. thank you!! I was tempted to use “apathy”, but it’s not the same. so thanks again for the new vocab.
yeah. that part of life was easier when I was still in school. but since having graduated, I feel aimless. I just don’t know what goal to set. I’m working toward Tough Mudder, so I guess that. or my Spanish. but even then, I don’t really care about those. just today I was like “meh” about working out — and I was loving the kickboxing when I first started.
but you’re right. I do need to find something to Work Towards.
I wanted to take a Mental Health Day from work soon. but I ended up having to take a Physical Health Day when I had to miss on Tuesday due to falling ill over the weekend. so so much for that.
❤ thanks for the support.
I’m way behind in reading my Following page, so I need to catch up on your blog. bear with me while I get my feet back under me. <3333
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No worries, love!
Sometimes you need a physical health day — took two legit ones this week. Yay lady issues!
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