distracted from the Darkness

I have been having something scheduled for almost everyday.  back to my old “keep busy to distract the Mind” trick.  because when I’m not doing something, when I don’t have music or work or people to distract me, my thoughts get Dark again.  “I wonder what would happen if I drove into oncoming traffic.”  “I wonder how long of a fall it is off that bridge.”  “I wonder it would feel like to have my wrists slit open.”  Dark, dangerous thoughts.

thoughts I will not act on, granted.  at least, not while properly medicated.  and this is why I take my medication.  this is why I have such a cocktail that I must take — to keep from obeying the Dark thoughts.

because life is generally pointless.  I’m an American, and I’m watching my country fall apart at the hands of a bigoted piece of shit.  who, mind you, is also trying to start a war with another country.  hurricanes and earthquakes are destroying this continent.  and that’s just the fun stuff on a large scale.

everyday, people are hurting others.  sure, there’s a lot of good stuff and “pay it forwards” that happen too, and these just don’t show up in the stories as often.  I understand that; I took journalism classes.  however, I can’t handle the input of only negative shit every day.

and then there’s the Darkness in my mind, a force that somehow prevents me from experiencing joy sometimes.  a power that mutates comments into insults and gazes into glares.  a force that has me totally retracting from my partner for fear of worsening his life.

yeah, that’s the third level.  the personal level.  I can’t recall what exactly set it off, or if it was a single thing at all.  but I’ve started pushing Brian away some.  I don’t really know what to say on this matter.  I just feel like trusting him make me weak, and I need to stand on my own some.  I’ve become a limp noodle.  I need to act as if there is no net beneath me.

I have no witty or insightful closing for this post.  I’m tired and hungry, and I can’t think.  so I’ll end just like this.

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3 thoughts on “distracted from the Darkness

  1. I recently read on reddit the most compelling explanation for why everything is so fucked up right now:

    The world actually ended in 2012 and we’re all living in a parallel dimension where everything tends toward the stupidest outcome possible.

    But in all seriousness, it’s hard to keep the dark thoughts out. Keeping busy (and medicated) works wonders for me… except SSRI induced bruxism/TMJ. That’s something that’s driving me crazy in spite of being medicated. My crazy meds are making me crazy.

    My philosophy — be the best person you can be. Even though there is all this grand bad shit going on that’s wearing everyone down, you can still do something to make someone’s day brighter. Like, helping fill sand bags before a hurricane, or bringing the asshole coworkers some Publix cookies.

    Hugs from afar!

    Like

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