alive-ish

hello, hello.  I’m still up and running — albeit, barely.  so here’s an update on my life recently.

Employment

work at the law firm is going the same as usual.  I feel like I should be doing a better job at everything.  but then I don’t have the energy to go above-and-beyond as I normally do.  so I just sit and mope.

the fun story about my recent employment is how I worked security for the Super Bowl this past weekend.  I was outside for over 17 hours in the freezing cold with minimal breaks.  I did get to go into the stadium at one point and see both the very end of the halftime show plus the start of the third quarter.  it was cool.  I was stationed at a Talent Entrance, so I saw people like Kelly Clarkson.

my favourite part, however, was when everyone was exiting the stadium campus and SEAN PAYTON (Saints head coach) CROSSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  he was so close, I could have kissed him on the cheek.  I seriously, legit swooned for a moment, lol.

oh yeah, and I get paid for all of it.  😀

Other (Mis-)Adventures

I want to do the Polar Plunge this year.  it’s in March, so it will have warmed up some.  I have a friend who may be willing to do it with me.  and Brian said he would be there to watch and support.

School

no, I haven’t started back into grad school.  I have decided, however, that I need to start looking into strictly online schools.  so that even if I move, maybe I can still stay enrolled and such.  so that’s a new project soon to be started.

Table-Top Campaigns

Brian is still running Scion.  I am supposed to start a Silver Age Sentinels campaign soon — wherein the players are villains instead of heroes.

My Writing

I’m active in the Twin Cities NaNo group on Discord.  hopefully, I will start writing again soon.

Addictions

so as of sometime at the end of Jan, my probation from my DUI ended.  I can technically go into bars and the like again.  I’m allowed to drink and be a normal adult.  Brian pointed this out to me —  I’m not sure why; I guess just because he likes sharing information and facts, not matter the consequences?

but it doesn’t matter to me.  my behaviour won’t change much.  I will still have a few drinks here or there.  I just have to keep it in check.

I’ve wanted to cut a lot lately.  it’s due to my Mind being utter chaos.  cutting always straightened me out; put my head back on in the correct direction, allowing me to get shit done.  but without cutting, I just sit in the windfall of disaster and panic in my Head and I drown.

I’ve been not eating again.  a lot.  but I’ve been losing weight, so that’s nice.

Physical Health

…despite not doing my kickboxing.  I mean, I have not been to a gym in over a month.  wtf?  I keep having panic attacks everytime I try.

but I’m going to try again tomorrow morning, I think.  and I may allow myself to pinch or something if I have to.  nothing serious, of course.  but something just enough to pull me out of whatever Fit I may end up falling into.  sometimes, even just knowing that’s an option helps….

Mental/Emotional Health

as was previously expressed, I’m not doing well in the Head.  between the depression-side of my bipolar and my S.A.D., I’m really falling apart.  I’m hopeless, goalless, aimless, and careless.  I have no suspicion that anything will improve, and I hate existence in its entirety.

Brian

things are pretty good between us.  he’s been doing a good job of taking care of me.  I can see it’s wearing on him, though.  I need to get better — if for nothing else than his sake.

Staying in Minnesota

rumour has it Brian is making other plans than the original “stay here for five years”.  but I’m not getting my hopes.  we’ve already been here 2.5 years.  so I’m expecting another three or four, just to be on the safe side.

though Brian and I both understand that I may not last here that long….

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the Truth shall set you Free

there is something incredibly freeing about admitting you’re a fuckup and are horribly flawed, and in honestly just being true to yourself.

I already got some flack about my last post — the one about how I had to spend some time in jail. and there’s still a small part of me that is rather regretful I’ve decided to be so open about everything — the cutting, the jail, the being a general nutbag, etc. but after a fairly short moment of shame, that small fearful part of me is silenced by what I deem to be the Truth, to be Freedom.

I’ve always been the goody-two-shoes, perfectionist, over-achieving mother hen. I always put everyone else before myself and take on the role of the exhausted martyr, all the while trying to hide behind lies of how well I’ve got my shit together and how successful and productive and motivated I am.

well, I’m done.

they let me out of jail at 8am today (Thu) instead of 2pm tmrw. but 2pm to 8am the next morning gives a person a lot of time to think and to feel.  I did a lot of the former; and I’m grateful very little of the latter occurred. nevertheless, some did. but it was okay. I didn’t shed a single tear, and the moments of self-hatred and despair were surprisingly fleeting.

instead, there was a calmness, a sense of … I dunno … not quite serenity, but most definitely a kind of peace.

I texted the following to one of my online besties:

I’m just in a very fuck-it-all-anyway mood these last two months.  getting a part-time, low-paying retail job — “eh, oh well”. two days in jail — “eh, oh well”. stupid-ass AA meetings — “eh, oh well”. am just tired of fighting; but am so exhausted and worn out, am too tired to even really give up … ya know?

and I’m not gonna lie — not giving a fuck it very freeing. it’s that brick of Fear shoved right off your chest, and suddenly you can breathe and move again.

I didn’t bother hiding my scars at all in there. and I’ve been comfortable in short sleeves almost this entire trip. I don’t care what these other people think anymore. they don’t know my struggles, they don’t know my issues, and they don’t even know all of my successes.

so fuck ’em.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\

DUI update.

I’m en route to the Lafayette city jail. tonight and tomorrow night, I’ll be a convict.

I’m sure this mindset isn’t healthy, but I’m kinda excited. moving to MN and not getting a job yet has forced me to accept that I am a fuckup, indeed. no reason to keep pretending otherwise . instead, I should merely strive to improve

however, I can’t help but be entertained by my misadventures. I mean, how many of you have spent time in jail? (also, orange looks good on me, haha!)

but seriously, I’ve such a strong “eh, fuck it” attitude about things lately that I’m helluva a not as stressed or anxious about this shit. I really don’t give much of any fucks anymore. so yeah. we’ll see how it goes.

I’ll try to at least check in on Fri or Sat when I get out. I fly back to MN early Sat morn, and I do paperwork for a part-time job on Mon. so I’ll try to write sometime this weekend.

great way to start the new year, lol.

// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\

today was surprisingly not-bad

as the afore entry stated, my court appointment went as good as I could have expected. better actually, because I didn’t have to wait to talk to the judge, lol.

but more than just that, today was actually what one might call “a good day”.

before court, Mum made french toast for Dad and me; and we three watched goofy videos until it was time to leave. during this, I was also making calls and setting up new job interviews for next week. before, during, and after court, everyone was in tolerable and even — dare I say it — pleasant moods.

afterwards, we three swung by the newly remodeled public library’s main branch. it’s excellent. they did a great job.

next, since we were so close, we swung by my former place of employment to say hey. I plan to go back by tomorrow to spend a little more time actually catching up with everyone.

then we went to pick up Tiger (my baby bro) and his adorable lass. we picked up some pizza (and I, three smoothies from Fruity Smoothie, lol), and headed home. Brian’s mom soon arrived from Baton Rouge, and the lot of us played a game of Munchkin. hilarity ensued.

then it was time for Lucy (Bri’s mom) to head out. mere minutes later, Kiera arrived. the new group played an amazing game of Exploding Kittens. (I am now officially in love with that game. it is a game by The Oatmeal creator that Sean-chan KickStarted.) Dad brought Tiger and his woman home when it was over; Mum, Kiera, and I played one more quick game.

then Kiera and Mum began setting up the former’s brand new massage table, while I quickly rinsed off. and then it was a few hours of heaven as Kiera and I chatted and she worked magic on me, my back and shoulders especially. with so few chiropractic appointment s and not getting any real rest, this was very much needed. then we talked a while more before she eventually left.

and now I’m here, feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally better than I have in several months — despite what today initially was going to be.
so here’s thanks to Mum, Dad, Tiger, Foxie, Lucy, Sean, and Kiera: I’m actually almost glad that I woke up this morning.

court outcome

well, I’m not in jail. so that’s good.

but I have to come back in January. so that sucks.

basically, we’re making a deal w the prosecutor  to plead guilty and have the judge ignore my ridiculously high BAC. meanwhile, I start tracking my AA meetings again, start logging some community service hours, and take a defensive driving course. then when I come back in Jan either: A] I just have to finish up whatever is left from the aforementioned; or B] I have A and have probably one to two nights in jail.

honestly, IT REALLY COULD HAVE TURNED OUT WORSE. the public defender said best case scenario, I’d have minimum seven days in jail.  but fuck that; I’m cool w how it turned it out.

D-Day (again?!)

as many of you know, I got charged w an OWI in November 2014. meds I was taking at the time caused a blackout, and apparently semi-unconscious me (would that just be “non-conscious”?) thought it would be a good idea to hop into my car and drink a lot while driving. since then, many things happened; I carried out some community service; I graduated from a 10-week rehab program; I was going to AA meetings one-to-three times a week; I had both successes and failures with sobriety — but all of this was voluntary, because I was never convicted.  after standing before the judge four times, nothing has been settled.

but maybe things will change tomorrow — because I have yet another court date.

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review & update

okay, so where did we leave off last time?

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