between granite and cement

it’s hard right now. I have control issues; we all know this. but the current situation is wildly out control — and in general, not just out of my control.

I relied on an otherwise competent person to talk to people to whom he’s related (yeah, the anonymity’s lost now, lol) to get information on a potential solution to a rather large problem we have. he did not collect sufficient info from his father, and he apparently did not collect any info from his uncle.

and now we are stuck living (albeit temporarily) either in a situation we do not want or w people we’d rather not. we’re now chosing between a very small space w no internet and no Zero vs living w my parents.

had he collected sufficient information ahead of time, we’d be more empowered in this delimma. as it stand, however, he’s just put us into a tight corner.

I have been so angry w him over the last month or so. it just seems like one thing after another, one ball dropped and then another.

I’m trying to be as strong for and patient w him as he is for and w me. but he’s not making it easy.

I Have an Eating Disorder

𝕗𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕊𝕄-𝕍:

Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED)*

Symptoms characteristic of a feeding or eating disorder that cause clinical distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning predominate. However DO NOT meet the full criteria for any of the disorders in the feeding and eating disorders diagnostic class.

*OSFED was previously EDNOS
(Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified),
for those who were wondering

Atypical Anorexia Nervosa

All of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except that despite significant weight loss, the individual’s weight is within or above the normal range.

Anorexia Nervosa

  1. Restriction of energy intake relative to requirements, leading to a significantly low body weight in the context of age, sex, developmental trajectory, and physical health. Significantly low weight is defined as a weight that is less than minimally normal or, for children and adolescents, less than minimally expected.
  2. Intense fear of gaining weight or of becoming fat, or persistent behaviour that interferes with weight gain, even though at a significantly low weight.
  3. Disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or persistent lack of recognition of the seriousness of the current low body weight.

Restricting Type

During the last three months, the individual has not engaged in recurrent episodes of binge eating or purging behaviour (i.e. self-induced vomiting, or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas). This subtype describes presentations in which weight loss is accomplished primarily through dieting, fasting and/or excessive exercise.

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2019-Q4 Review

as many of you may know, I do a personal Quarterly Review every three month. the most recent one was eight pages and quite in-depth. don’t worry! I’m not just copy-pasting it here, as that’s a lot to read. (also privacy reasons, lol.) instead, I’ll create some groups/categories and summarize my shit in there.


I’ve been so-so with this one. I’ve been going to my various physical and emotional/mental doctors as directed and took all my pills as prescribed. probably once every two to three weeks, I’d forget a single dose. though this was true for most of 2019, I just wanted to point it out, as that’s leaps and bounds above where I used to be — mostly thanks to Brian.

to those wondering (and who even knew), I’m still sober. meanwhile, to those out of the loop, I stopped drinking back in August 2018. it’s actually been a lot smoother ride than I thought it would have been. so yay, something was “easy” in my life for once!!

weight-wise, things went on a pleasant downhill. on the morning of 10/01/2019, I was 175 lbs (35.4% body fat). then as of the morning of 01/01/2020, I was 166.2 lbs (33.6%). in 13 weeks and 1 day (or 92 days total), I lost 8.8 lbs– an average of 0.67 lbs per week (or 0.10 lbs a day). I’m okay with that. a lot of generic or online programs have you choose between losing 0.5 or 1.0 lbs a week, so 0.67 lbs a week is just fine by me. 😀 ….sorry, went a little OCD with the numbers there, lol.

anyway, I think things overall were good.

Team Ow

nothing much stood out here. Team Ow (Brian, James, and Zero) are doing fine as a team/unit.

the end of this Quarter found Brian and I being together for 9 years, 5 months, and 12 days — which, OMG. how has someone put up with my crap for so long … by choice?! and then how did I not get bored with the same human yet? wtf.

meanwhile, it found Zero at an age of 10 years, 3 months, and 7 days. mah ol’ man. XD but he’s still as freakin’ spry as ever. like, annoyingly so, lol.


boy, this is a fun one.

as some of you know — my father became somewhat paralyzed in his right side and had to have emergency brain surgery to drain out the bleeding on both sides of his head. O_O and he apparently had one of the best brain surgery recoveries the workers on hand had seen. by the next day, he was already moving things again. so thanks to whatever Power helped us out there — even if it was just my father’s pure stubbornness.

some other family member attempted suicide right around the same time. that was … difficult. but honestly, not as much as Dad’s stuff.

other than that, family is all about the same.

Friends and Folk in Louisiana

we went home in July for two main reasons — 1] Sheila and Will were finally getting married; and 2] Brian’s grandmother’s 90th birthday bash might be the last family gathering they’d have. meanwhile, we had scheduled a shindig for while down there to see all our other folk.

AND THEN FREAKIN’ HURRICANE BARRY HIT. like, wtf. the birthday party was cancelled, the wedding was moved (to a day in which I could not attend), and our shindig was somewhat brief. seriously, what. the. fuck.

Writing, D&D, and Other Hobbies

I didn’t do NaNo this year. that was right after my dad’s surgery and some other shit, so it was just a really bad time. I really did not write much. I hope planned efforts for 2020-Q1 will change that pattern.

Brian continued running D&D for his brother, my mum, and me. I started looking into running Nobilis for Brian, Mum, and Daminelle; though nothing has actively come of that yet.

meta knowledge, but we finally sent out 2019 Holiday Cards … in the middle of January 2020. D: oi vey. we were not timely this year, lol. anyway. in the cards was an unnecessarily lengthy yet somehow still brief recap of our year. we kept busy!!

meanwhile, I’ve once again become a go-to pet- and house-sitter. that really makes me happy. I enjoy doing it. I love meeting all the critters. I like seeing new homes. oh, and helping people and/or getting paid, food, and/or gifts ain’t that bad either, lol.


as a reminder, back in July I had left the law firm and started as the Executive Admin Asst for the CEO of a single-family investment firm. still trucking along there. it’s just temp work, but I continue to enjoy it.

A Few Questions

and now, a few recap’ing questions. overall…

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Well?

Christmas went well. we went to a friend’s place for the first time (was also the first time we weren’t alone up here for Christmas) and played a new game that Mum and Dad just got us.

legit, Dad healing up as quickly as he did was awesome!

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Poorly?

the investment firm informed me they wanted me to stay on as temp worker instead of moving into a permanent salary role. that really sucked.

To What Am I Looking Forward about 2020-Q1?

I keep crossing my fingers about our getting out of the frigid north, lol.

winter is also on the decline by this point. yay!!

Monthly Consumptions: December 2019

little late, but here we go. XD

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new bipolar depression medication approved by FDA — and into my body it goes

I start a new Crazy Med in the next week or two, depending on when it arrives: Cariprazine, as sold under the brand name Vraylar, to treat bipolar depression.

this is a drug that was only just approved in May 2019 (like, just seven months ago). so there’s limited data out about it. but as always, I’m doing my pre-administration self research. and as follows are my notes.

oh! but first!! I want to point out the ironic hilarity in my spellchecker’s desire to auto-correct “Cariprazine” to “Craziness” (image below) when I was emailing my Mum about it.  XD I’m already a fan of this stuff, lol.

it’s as if you’ve met a potential female mate for the first time and she’s got the smeared lipstick look goin’ on with a name tag reading “Hot Mess”.

anyway, below are the meds I’m currently on are below (for Crazies and brain muckery, not anything else). it’s important to keep track of all this shit.

(name brand)
Dosage & FrequencyReason
0.5 mg, as neededanxiety,
panic attacks
(Wellbutrin XL)
100 mg, once daily;depression
400 mg, twice dailyanxiety
Lithium Carbonate600 mg, twice dailymood stabilizer
Nortriptyline HCL
10 mg, twice dailyfibromyalgia
Pramipexole Dihydrochloride
0.5mg, nightlyrestless leg syndrome
0.50 mg, twice dailybipolar,
yes, that’s 1,200 mg of lithium a day.
are you less surprised now about my constant exhaustion and the complete death of my Creativity?

and again, for my personal reminding, I’m posting below anything I read that was of interest or relevance to me. apologies if my shorthand is unintelligible to others initially; I’ll try to flesh things out once it’s all collected.

  • Purpose & Usage
    • heavy focus on bipolar I (versus II); schizophrenia seems to be in the backseat, too
  • Administration & Consumption
    • advised dosage for depression starts at 1.5 mg daily and settles at 1.5 – 3.0 mg daily
      • for mania, starts at 1.5 mg and settles at 3.0 – 6.0 mg
    • take with or without food
  • Side Effects (for mania & depression): so the normal shit, naturally; plus all this mess…
    • nausea & vomiting
    • dyspepsia (bloated gassiness)
    • restlessness
    • somnolence
    • akathisia (twitchy, full-body RLS; sometimes spazmatic loss of motor control)
    • other extrapyramidal symptoms
      • Parkinsonism (tremors, slower thought processes, slower movements, rigid muscles, difficulty speaking, facial stiffness)
      • tardive dyskinesia (potentially irreversible effects; uncontrollable facial movements, like sucking or chewing, lip-smacking, sticking tongue out, or blinking eyes repeatedly) [so like a gecko?]
      • dystonia (muscles involuntarily contract and contort) [DC’s Ragdoll with a loss of control?]
    • metabolic changes
      • fffff, weight gain D:
      • 3% of folks had >7% weight increase for each mania and depression treatment
      • another viewpoint suggests an average 1.1 lbs of weight gain in the first three weeks for mania. for depression it was 1.5 lbs at 1.5 mg/day within the first 6-8 weeks.
    • okay, y’all, direct quote time from the manufacturer’s distribution sheet:
      • Falls: Antipsychotics, including VRAYLAR, may cause somnolence, postural hypotension, motor and sensory instability, which may lead to falls and, consequently, fractures or other injuries. For patients with diseases, conditions, or medications that could exacerbate these effects, complete fall risk assessments when initiating antipsychotic treatment and recurrently for patients on long-term antipsychotic therapy.”
      • like seriously, though. falls. I mean, that’s just a freakin’ Tuesday for me. XD
    • body temperature dysregulation
    • direction quote number two from official website:
      • Do not become too hot or dehydrated during treatment with VRAYLAR. Do not exercise too much. In hot weather, stay inside in a cool place if possible. Stay out of the sun. Do not wear too much clothing or heavy clothing. Drink plenty of water.
  • Other Random Facts
    • is second-gen (or atypical) anti-psychotic
    • long half-life (Cariprazine 2–4 days; DDCAR 1–3 weeks)
    • side effects may take longer to appear than with other drugs
    • metabolites’ formation and elimination via CYP3A4 (liver-based)
    • looks like it legit can make you more suicidal (hello every anti-psychotic ever), not just the typical level for antidepressants

Things I need to research further include:

  • tardive dyskinesia
  • dystonia
  • Cytochrome P450 3A4
  • ways to counteract weight gain
  • details on potential body temperature dysregulation

An then some potentially useful links:

quick little check-in

things were falling apart in October and November. really glad they’re over.

Bad Habits

December is rolling out and is … so-so. I’m seeing a few bad habits trickling in as stress management for everything.

not drinking though. still clean on that. the difference from other times is that I legit wanted to be done with it. I was doing it for me, not because someone else told me too. and that’s made all the difference.

I miss the culture associated with drinking. but I don’t miss who I was when I drank. so it works out.

my psych wants me to go to an ED clinc (eating disorder clinic). I’m doing a good enough job of not letting it control me, but rather just influence me. so we’ll see.

going to a clinic means fully admitting that it’s true. by not going, I can keep pretending I don’t have a problem, right?

also part of me is tied into the “I’m too fat to have an ED” lie. I know it’s not entirely true (second have, at least), but it’s nice to hold onto while I obsess and have freak outs.

grocery shopping has gotten hard. legit started crying in the store a few weeks back because I just couldn’t function. so yeah, there’s that.


Brian’s still running a pre-made D&D campaign for Ada (his bro), my mum, and me. we’re having fun. some nights, I’m stressed out by it; other nights, I really enjoy it. yay being crazy. :/

I’m trying to arrange stuff to do outside … in the snow. everyone says being in the element more assists in tolerating it. so I’m trying that tactic this year.

I really want to do the Polar Plunge this year. it’s “a series of events where people jump into a frozen lake to support Special Olympics Minnesota”. you raise or donate $50-$75 to be able to jump. the main one is in Minneapolis, and it’s the on I’d probably end up going to. tough there’s the Maple Grove one that a not going to be as busy and isn’t a horrible drive.

anyway. the drop is supposedly just wait deep, so my head shouldn’t be underwater too long, and I won’t really have the chance to drown, lol. and here’s a quick write-up of what happens to your stupid body when your stupid brain tells it to jump into a fucking frozen lake.

so I guess that’s it for this post. I need to start wrapping up for work. it”s takes an extra ten or so minutes just to get dressed. and another 10-30 minutes if you park outside to get your car functioning. I hate this place.

Monthly Consumptions: November 2019

Brain Food time again!

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