quick update

this post won’t be too long, so no worries.

my computer went kaput. I tried installing “KotOR” (a great Star Wars game, and it just went on the fritz. so I’m going to have to bring it to someone, because it’s not even turning on. I may see about putting in some old drives and take it from there. but I doubt that I’ll be able to totally correct whatever the fuck happened.

meanwhile, my phone is refusing to accept energy from my various chargers. I managed to find one that sometimes works — but not reliably, and instead very slowly. ugh. so posting via my cell will be at a minimum too.

in other news, I’m waiting to hear back from Brian’s work about the job. I also applied to a job with Nerd Fitness (OMG, I WANT THIS POSITION EVEN MORE THAN THE KING SHOW GAMES ONE!!), so I’m waiting on that too. in the meantime, I am almost definitely going to get approved for a little part-time job with Home Depot. :/
however, to get any feedback, I’ve gotta have access to my cell phone voicemails and my emails — WHICH I DON’T BECAUSE THE COMPUTER IS FRITZ AND THE PHONE WON’T CHARGE.

additionally so, I need to start doing my volunteer work and start logging some stupid AA meetings. as many of you read in the past, most AA meetings don’t work for me, because it’s just like going to fucking church — except most everyone present is terrifying, dirty, and/or self-righteous. I hate it. at least at church services, I don’t fear for my life or my wallet. :/

and I’m kinda excited to get into the volunteer work again. it really helps me to feel like it’s worth the effort to try to stay alive, you know? and honestly, that’s getting really hard to defend lately — my continuing to struggle to survive.

I really wanted some alcohol all weekend. instead, I’ve been snacking and drinking sodas. it’s not much better, but it’s still some kind of progress. ya know? I haven’t totally succeeded at “Dry December”, but I’ve done much better these last two weeks than I have in a long, long time.

okay. I actually kicked Brian off his computer so I could type this up, lol. I’m gonna go ahead and hand it back over to him.
I’m hoping to start setting time aside to go to the community room of my apartment complex and post more frequently. (and also, check my emails for a fucking job, lol.)

take care, kiddlings.

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court outcome

well, I’m not in jail. so that’s good.

but I have to come back in January. so that sucks.

basically, we’re making a deal w the prosecutor  to plead guilty and have the judge ignore my ridiculously high BAC. meanwhile, I start tracking my AA meetings again, start logging some community service hours, and take a defensive driving course. then when I come back in Jan either: A] I just have to finish up whatever is left from the aforementioned; or B] I have A and have probably one to two nights in jail.

honestly, IT REALLY COULD HAVE TURNED OUT WORSE. the public defender said best case scenario, I’d have minimum seven days in jail.  but fuck that; I’m cool w how it turned it out.

D-Day (again?!)

as many of you know, I got charged w an OWI in November 2014. meds I was taking at the time caused a blackout, and apparently semi-unconscious me (would that just be “non-conscious”?) thought it would be a good idea to hop into my car and drink a lot while driving. since then, many things happened; I carried out some community service; I graduated from a 10-week rehab program; I was going to AA meetings one-to-three times a week; I had both successes and failures with sobriety — but all of this was voluntary, because I was never convicted.  after standing before the judge four times, nothing has been settled.

but maybe things will change tomorrow — because I have yet another court date.

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trying

I tried. I did. today was shit. have been having shit luck finding a job. and today was awful.

was hoping to enjoy evening w Bri; distract self of how hard all this is, remind self is worth it.

but had a worse day. things at work fucked up. and he never figured out how to fix. so he gets home VERY late and pissy. he tried to keep cool. but we’re both overwhelmed and dejected.

he says will soak in tub and read, then strait to bed.

I wanted a drink since lunch. very actively bought none at grocer yester.

I tried all day to fight off. moreover, will be using his card as I have no more money saved.

I plan to workout and do all sorts of things to distract. even looked up AA meeting; but none nearby.

so was gonna wait until Brian got home. talk to him.

but he has no more spoons than I.

so we walked to the store. and now we’re walking home. and I owe Brian $15.00 that I don’t know when I’ll have….

EDIT: and of course I step in dog shit on the way home….

The Irrationality of Alcoholics Anonymous

so thanks for one of the blokes who’s done the best at keeping me alive for the longest, I’ve read an AMAZING article about how AA is not the be-all-end-all cure for alcoholism. it’s rather long, so here are some quotes that are relevant to me. but really, the whole damn thing is great and worth a read.

and while reviewing my highlights, note that I’m not knocking AA. it’s a great program that has helped many people (some of whom I even know) get control of their lives again. but what gets me is that 1] it’s too religious/faoth-based, and 2] it doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

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legal updates

I think I’m making myself sick with fear.  I haven’t even had any coffee, and I’m already nauseous.

I have one court summons that says my arraignment is on Feb 10 at 8:30am and then a second on that says Feb 10 at 9:00am.  then I also have telephone hearing on Feb 11 at 8:30am.  wut?  none of that makes any sense.  if I’m reading this correctly, that means my hearing is AFTER my arraignment — of which I have TWO different ones??  O_o

once I have access to the work scanner, I’ll be scanning these three documents and emailing them to my beau’s dad (who’s a federal judge) and asking him wtf is going on.

I’ll be calling the Public Defender’s office today to see if they have an appointment set up for me to meet with someone and discuss the involvement of that medication.

to him, I’ll also present my rehab completion paperwork and my AA meeting attendance form.

I’m almost positive I’ll have 60+ hours of community service, will have to take a $75-150 driving course (last time was two two-hour sessions), and will have to take a $200+ drug abuse course (last time was only a single three-hour session).  they’ll also be a wallop of fees, I’m sure.

but it’s the possible prison time about which I’m worried.  depending on the severity of punishment the judge chooses, he has the option of sticking me away for six months.

if that were to happen, I’m sure I’d lose my job.  and I bet I’d lose Brian too.  Zero will have lived with the parents for so long that he would have forgotten all about me.  and unless something miraculous happens to me in jail, I’m sure I’d kill myself if I came home to those results.

I’m trying to find the positives.

…..

all I’ve come up with is that if I do go to prison, I’ll have a lot more time to read.

 

but honestly, I’m near crying at this point.  I’m shaking.  I’m terrified.

yet I can’t fall apart.  I have too much to do today.  I can’t break down at work.  I just can’t.

~REBLOGGED~ Lydia: Day 27

a perfect tale of what a relapse is like, and how terribly we’ll fight to search for a source.

Ann Kroger

An Alcoholics Last Resort

Lydia did not know how it had happened. Well, she knew how it had happened, and yet she did not know how it happened. She knew the steps, knew the exact actions that led to her lying in a crumpled mass on the kitchen floor. What she did not know was how a seemingly innocent day could turn so quickly into a nightmare…

As part of her general dissatisfaction with her life, Lydia had started to methodically clean out the large house in Memorial. It had begun innocently enough on a lazy, Sunday afternoon. She had spent the morning reading and sipping tea, but then she turned a little restless, walking from room to room.

She eventually found herself standing in the doorway of her master closet. Once a room of pride, a space that spoke of indulgence and luxury, Lydia now looked upon the space as a choke around…

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