alive-ish

hello, hello.  I’m still up and running — albeit, barely.  so here’s an update on my life recently.

Employment

work at the law firm is going the same as usual.  I feel like I should be doing a better job at everything.  but then I don’t have the energy to go above-and-beyond as I normally do.  so I just sit and mope.

the fun story about my recent employment is how I worked security for the Super Bowl this past weekend.  I was outside for over 17 hours in the freezing cold with minimal breaks.  I did get to go into the stadium at one point and see both the very end of the halftime show plus the start of the third quarter.  it was cool.  I was stationed at a Talent Entrance, so I saw people like Kelly Clarkson.

my favourite part, however, was when everyone was exiting the stadium campus and SEAN PAYTON (Saints head coach) CROSSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  he was so close, I could have kissed him on the cheek.  I seriously, legit swooned for a moment, lol.

oh yeah, and I get paid for all of it.  😀

Other (Mis-)Adventures

I want to do the Polar Plunge this year.  it’s in March, so it will have warmed up some.  I have a friend who may be willing to do it with me.  and Brian said he would be there to watch and support.

School

no, I haven’t started back into grad school.  I have decided, however, that I need to start looking into strictly online schools.  so that even if I move, maybe I can still stay enrolled and such.  so that’s a new project soon to be started.

Table-Top Campaigns

Brian is still running Scion.  I am supposed to start a Silver Age Sentinels campaign soon — wherein the players are villains instead of heroes.

My Writing

I’m active in the Twin Cities NaNo group on Discord.  hopefully, I will start writing again soon.

Addictions

so as of sometime at the end of Jan, my probation from my DUI ended.  I can technically go into bars and the like again.  I’m allowed to drink and be a normal adult.  Brian pointed this out to me —  I’m not sure why; I guess just because he likes sharing information and facts, not matter the consequences?

but it doesn’t matter to me.  my behaviour won’t change much.  I will still have a few drinks here or there.  I just have to keep it in check.

I’ve wanted to cut a lot lately.  it’s due to my Mind being utter chaos.  cutting always straightened me out; put my head back on in the correct direction, allowing me to get shit done.  but without cutting, I just sit in the windfall of disaster and panic in my Head and I drown.

I’ve been not eating again.  a lot.  but I’ve been losing weight, so that’s nice.

Physical Health

…despite not doing my kickboxing.  I mean, I have not been to a gym in over a month.  wtf?  I keep having panic attacks everytime I try.

but I’m going to try again tomorrow morning, I think.  and I may allow myself to pinch or something if I have to.  nothing serious, of course.  but something just enough to pull me out of whatever Fit I may end up falling into.  sometimes, even just knowing that’s an option helps….

Mental/Emotional Health

as was previously expressed, I’m not doing well in the Head.  between the depression-side of my bipolar and my S.A.D., I’m really falling apart.  I’m hopeless, goalless, aimless, and careless.  I have no suspicion that anything will improve, and I hate existence in its entirety.

Brian

things are pretty good between us.  he’s been doing a good job of taking care of me.  I can see it’s wearing on him, though.  I need to get better — if for nothing else than his sake.

Staying in Minnesota

rumour has it Brian is making other plans than the original “stay here for five years”.  but I’m not getting my hopes.  we’ve already been here 2.5 years.  so I’m expecting another three or four, just to be on the safe side.

though Brian and I both understand that I may not last here that long….

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WELL HELLO, CRAZY NOISE

WELL HELLO, CRAZY NOISE!!
> THANKS FOR CHECKING IN.

SO YOU THINK WE SHOULD SLICE OUR ARMS AND BLEED, JUST TO PROVE WE ARE ALIVE?
> okay.

SO WE SHOULD SLIT OUR NECK ACROSS ITSELF TO SHOW OUR OWN STRENGTH AND DETERMINATION?
> sounds great.

OR MAYBE I CAN JUST JUMP INTO TRAFFIC, DRIVE INTO THE ONCOMING, OR SHOOT OURSELVES OFF THE CLIFF.
>  perfect plan.

_____________________________________________

did you disagree?  because I didn’t?

I suspect tomorrow will be fine.

but I’m seriously running out of “bad days” that don’t get logged as “last days”.

____________________________________________

SEE ALSO:

the Final Day is ideal,

desired,

perfect,

heavenly,

HOPE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

please allow it to come soon … or even better ASAP…..

success…?

I’ve managed to go to work every day this week.  I haven’t gone to the gym at all, granted.  but I went to work.  and I actually got some work done.  not much; not as much as I’d like or as I should have — but some.

I haven’t cut.  I haven’t had a night of drinking myself into oblivion.  I’ve stopped eating, for a large part; but I’m not binging.

it’s snowing sideways here.  the weather has much more energy than I.  I took the elevator to go up one floor.

I’m not doing well.

I meet with my therapist tomorrow.  maybe she can help me figure some of it out.

work nigh resulted in self-injury

I was lying on my side, repeating a phrase with which was I was far too familiar. at the “ch” sound in the collection of words, I felt the top of my tongue bounce of the roof of my mouth in a familiar pattern. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, and I could barely transmit breathes past the sounds I was chanting. my eyes burned, and I could feel the air against the entire surface of my eyeballs. tears from the topside eye flowed into the lower. snot was dribbling out of my nostrils, passing just above my upper lip and down onto the couch.

but I didn’t cut. I didn’t pull out any hair. I only hit my head a few time. I didn’t scratch or burn or bite, or anything else that I wanted so terribly to do. I didn’t even drink. I Disappeared for a little bit to calm down, also known as purposefully disassociating. then I slowly rose and took a klonopin. I had no reason to be alive, and even less reason to be awake. I actually had a say-so in the latter, so I worked towards a goal — Disappear until tomorrow.

as I swallowed the pill, a shot of memories ran past my mind as I recalled how what was previously such a wonderful day pushed me into this dark, hateful place….

Continue reading

medicinal cocktails

saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago.  I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again.  I mean, they’re not there yet.  but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera.  Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed.  or if he has, he hasn’t said much.  there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us.  and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word?  “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.

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anyway.  I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again.  I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action.  that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are.  but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked.  so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.

I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time.  I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day.  I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting.  honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something).  with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.

my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication.  I mean, what else can she do?  I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera.  I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps.  her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that.  I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help.  but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.

meds

so, my new cocktail is as follows:

Prescriptions

  • Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA):  90 mcg; as needed
  • Alprazolam (Xanax):  0.5 mg; as needed
  • Aripiprazole (Abilify):  10 – 20 mg; once mornings
  • Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin):  150 mg; once mornings
  • Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote):  250 mg; once mornings, three nights
  • Gabapentin (?):  300 mg; once mornings, once nights
  • Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa):  0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
  • Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor):  10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
  • Ropinirole (Requip):  0.5 mg; once nights

Vitamins & Supplements

  • Antihistamine:  25 mg; once mornings
  • B-12:  1000 mcg; once mornings
  • C:  1000 mg; once mornings
  • Cranberry:  4200; once nights
  • D3:  2000 IU; twice mornings
  • Iron:  65 mg; once mornings  (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
  • Melatonin:  6 mg; as needed
  • Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health):  97.5 mg; as needed

 

think I’m on enough pills….?

welcome back, old friend

I caught myself doing it again.  embracing the empty stomach, looking forward to the stories I’d have to fabricate and the avoidance of eating in various situations.  I was remembering the different tricks I had — fill up on water first, only eat when excess physical activity had occurred.  song lyrics and lines from poems run back through my brain.  I can see clearly in my mind the music videos and websites and forums that I used to frequent.

this is always something that happens when I really start focusing on improving my health and getting into better shape — I look back fondly upon my days of taking it too far.  I realize it’s not healthy.  but I believe it’s more healthy than where I am now.

“is it though?”, I sometimes wonder.  because with the return of the eating disorder is often a return of self-injury.  also, the glorification of my ED is double-sided, as it causes me distress and anxiety too upon the ED’s return.

even now, as I sit and type this, I recall pondering if I was going to skip lunch today or not.  I had a large breakfast, and I probably won’t work out today.  with all that in mind, I want to skip a meal or two; I need to skip some meals.  lest I cut myself as punishment for eating too much and not working out more.  aye, there’s the rub.

help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there’s no one else to Blame.

~ Sia – “Breathe Me”

the Darkness

I wouldn’t call it a “fascination” or “obsession”.  it’s a relationship.  it’s an unhealthy, symbiotic relationship that we have — the Darkness and me.

I’m starting to work out again, and I’ve been making good progress on my DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy) work.  I’m cutting out snacking, and I’m going to start eating better.  I have a really good job, my car is running fine, I’m starting to make a place in certain social circles, etc.

but I can feel It.  It’s pulling me in, with It’s Beauty and Awe.  I’m ready to stop eating complete, for example.  the idea of embracing my eating disorders that I managed to subdue, it’s attractive.  of going down some Darker paths of truths and ideals.  mental images of me cutting are once again what I use to calm my nerves and focus my attention.

It’s warm and familiar and close.  It wraps me up in a thick blanket of comfort and knowledge.  It’s always there when I come back, in one form or another.

my musical taste, my reading preferences, my thoughts, desires, ideals, hopes — they’re all Darker.  and not the “bad dark”, but the beautiful Darkness.  the one that’s ever ready to hold you tight in Its arms, slowly suffocating you with Its comfort.

I suppose it’s potentially a romanticization of an aspect of depression.  or it’s just me thinking only about the good times prior to my “getting better”.  whatever it is, it’s real to me….