distracted from the Darkness

I have been having something scheduled for almost everyday.  back to my old “keep busy to distract the Mind” trick.  because when I’m not doing something, when I don’t have music or work or people to distract me, my thoughts get Dark again.  “I wonder what would happen if I drove into oncoming traffic.”  “I wonder how long of a fall it is off that bridge.”  “I wonder it would feel like to have my wrists slit open.”  Dark, dangerous thoughts.

thoughts I will not act on, granted.  at least, not while properly medicated.  and this is why I take my medication.  this is why I have such a cocktail that I must take — to keep from obeying the Dark thoughts.

because life is generally pointless.  I’m an American, and I’m watching my country fall apart at the hands of a bigoted piece of shit.  who, mind you, is also trying to start a war with another country.  hurricanes and earthquakes are destroying this continent.  and that’s just the fun stuff on a large scale.

everyday, people are hurting others.  sure, there’s a lot of good stuff and “pay it forwards” that happen too, and these just don’t show up in the stories as often.  I understand that; I took journalism classes.  however, I can’t handle the input of only negative shit every day.

and then there’s the Darkness in my mind, a force that somehow prevents me from experiencing joy sometimes.  a power that mutates comments into insults and gazes into glares.  a force that has me totally retracting from my partner for fear of worsening his life.

yeah, that’s the third level.  the personal level.  I can’t recall what exactly set it off, or if it was a single thing at all.  but I’ve started pushing Brian away some.  I don’t really know what to say on this matter.  I just feel like trusting him make me weak, and I need to stand on my own some.  I’ve become a limp noodle.  I need to act as if there is no net beneath me.

I have no witty or insightful closing for this post.  I’m tired and hungry, and I can’t think.  so I’ll end just like this.

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happy birthday to me

it’s here. happy birthday to me, I suppose. I survived another year of living with myself, of beating myself up and despising who I am and what I haven’t accomplished.

a friend has to postpone birthday hangouts last night. instead, a different friend came over last night and gave me a few gifts. I skipped the gym this morning. I have had a few wishes her at work; I’ve received a few texts from my Louisiana folk too. then there’s an unrelated work hangout this afternoon. in the evening, I’m going to Noodles and Company with a third friend; he will probably pay, knowing him. then tonight I’ll cry myself to sleep. Saturday, Brian will take me to dinner and to see Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. at some point, I know I’ll get a gift from another friend who always sends something.

 

I wanted to cry when I woke up this morning. I really hoped that my gift from The-Powers-That-Be would be my not waking up finally. alas.

my sleeping issues have returned. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I mentioned to Brian about going back to a sleep specialist, and he agreed that it was a good idea.

my depression is worse, too; but that typically happens around my birthday.

I haven’t been to therapy in several months. she had a health issue that kept her out of work. she wants to meet Sep 2. I liked what work we were doing when we were actually doing it. but her constantly cancelling and rescheduling appointments was a real pain, and I had decided that I wouldn’t go back. but now, with the state I’m in, maybe I should. for now, at least. …man, I dunno.

I got a UTI last week. haven’t been back to my kickboxing since then. I know that’s not helping my mood any. I also ran out of my fibro and my axiety meds two weeks ago. so that’s taking a toll.

 

overall things should be great for me. but I’m crazy, and things are not good in my Mind.

so yeah. happy birthday to me.

a non-sarcastic “THANKS!” to Medica :D

y’all.  I’m stoked.  like, seriously.  I cannot thank the reps at Medica enough for actually helping me out with my insurance disaster.

so if you recall, last Tuesday, I made a post about the battle I was having in getting my insurance going.  well, a rep from Medica saw my post, and call me the following Friday.  he left a voicemail saying how unfortunate my situation was and how he could help out.

of course, I was hesitant — 1] I never have this good of luck, and/or 2] this is going to be a scam.  Spoiler alert: it wasn’t a scam!  I researched the number he left, the number he called from, and the story he told about finding my blog and why he was reaching out.

I learned the Medica is trying to really get on the ball about providing good customer service — so much so, they are reaching out to persons in social media rather than waiting for the customer to reach out to them.  and my situation is a happy result of that.

long story shirt, my rep Jerid (who has a cool spelling of his name, btw), explained a little of what happened and a lot of what the solution would be.  and I would like to point out that he never tried to blame MNSure.  I personally have no idea who was at fault (may have even been me at some point, for all I’ve been able to make sense of the situation), I just wanted the problem solved.  and Medica did that.

he coordinated with MNSure, found my application, and manually passed it through some hoops.  when we re-discussed my getting prescriptions, he even said he would email a copy of my insurance card so I can relay the information to my pharmacies.

when I woke up yesterday morning, MY INSURANCE CARD INFORMATION WAS IN MY EMAIL.  omg, y’all, I was ecstatic!!  I immediately called the pharm and got them to get my ‘scripts ready.  I will be properly medicated soon!! 😀

so a very honest thanks to Jerid and his team from Medica and to whatever officials have really started pushing the offering of good, quality customer service.  I  can’t thank y’all enough for ending what was turning into a nightmare!

 

P.S.
omg y’all, I get to pick up my ‘scripts tomorrow!  thank jeebus, because I was having to cut and/or space them out just to keep some in my system, since I had no idea when I could refill them.

I guess I just won’t ever have insurance…?

I started my current job in late September.  early October, I sent in paperwork to the state letting them know that I can now afford to get off the assistance insurance plan I was on.  I never heard anything, and kept getting services and meds for practically free.

December comes along, and I send in another completed form.  again, radio silence from them.

April 10th, I receive a letter stating that my coverage ended on March 30th.  firstly, thanks for the heads up.  secondly, finally.  (I can afford to pay for my own insurance, so I want to.  I want the funds to go to the people who need it, not to people who are scamming the system; and I didn’t want to be that person.)

so I get onto MNsure.org, which is the method that most Minnesotans use to find their insurance plan, and I submit my application.  a few days later, I log on, but it looks like nothing was fully processed.  so I was on the phone between MNsure.org (via whom I purchased the insurance) and Medica (the actual insurance company) countless times, being on hold and/or transferred for most of a phone call.  I’m talking 40-minute holds just to talk to the first person, much less all the bouncing back and forth that follows.  Medica: “tell MNsure this.”; MNsure: “well, tell Medica that.”  it was like being between two people standing face-to-face who are doing that “I’m not talking to Sally” thing.  wtf.

additionally so, these places are only open on typical 8-5 schedules.  I have  a 30-minute lunch, and I’m expected to magically make a 40-minute hold time fit into 30-minutes?  again, I ask: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

eventually I somehow speak with humans just last week who said they were pushing my application through.  YAY!  she adds that I need to make sure I’m not late on the first payment — whose invoice should arrive in 60 days.  wut?  why so long??  you know what, whatever.  I just need insurance right now.  I’ll deal with down the road then.  we know we have the money for it, so we’re good.  and if this lady is pushing through my application, that means soon I can get the prescriptions that have been waiting for me at my pharmacy.

I go online over the weekend to see about getting a temporary insurance card, or at least some ID and Rx numbers.  but nothing.  it’s still blank.

so yesterday I call around and learn that my application has not yet been pushed through. BAH!

so today, I cheated.  while I started the call at the beginning of my lunch.  I stayed on the call after lunch was over; I ensured I was doing work-stuff at the time, of course!  I wasn’t cheating that bad.  and they mentioned I could call 10-minutes early from my lunch to get through some of the hold time.  so whatever.  I need to get this handled.

after being on the phone with these organizations for OVER AN HOUR AND THIRTY MINUTES TODAY ALONE, I gave up.  I’ll try again tomorrow.

THIS. IS. PREPOSTEROUS.

at the one-hour mark, I was livid.

I think I’m just going to have to take a day or a half-day off and go to some office and handle this shit IRL.  because 1] I don’t want to get hit with a fine for not having insurance; 2] I need insurance for my meds and my docs.

speaking of which, I had to cancel my psych appointment for tomorrow because I HAVE NO INSURANCE.

I hate everything related to US health care right now.  like, even more than usual.

just a check-in

I’m noticing certain attributes and quirks about myself return as I’m continuing to not be on the Seroquel.  not all good, but whatever.  my therapist is suggesting that it’s not an incoming of a hypomania, but may be just getting back to “myself”.  I don’t feel like I have a “myself” — I am whatever the disease makes me.

she wants to work on how critical I am of myself.  we both understand a lot of it is connected to my relationship with and the my upbringing by my parents.  we both understand that this is going to be a difficult journey.  she thinks good will come of it; I think it may not make a difference.

I described to her how my brain was broken, and one such broken part was my self-critical nature.  I didn’t go into it, but another broken part is how I won’t let myself be happy.  I’m not even sure I want to be happy, because I’m not sure I deserve it.  of course all of this ties together.  but the overly self-judgmental portion is going to be the first focus.  we’ll see how that goes.

 

work is okay, I guess.  I’m still seeming to not do things correctly, and I’m still not fluent in Spanish.  so of course I believe that I’m still failing at this job.  everytime I take a step of initiative, it backfires.  and everytime I think I’ve really got something down, I’m informed of how inaccurately I did it.  it’s getting old; it’s exhausting and discouraging.

and the attorneys aren’t cruel or rude about it or anything.  I mean, every so often I’ll be told something in what I think is an necessarily forceful manner, but that doesn’t really get to me.  it’s the general suckiness of myself that gets to me.

as I was telling one of my besties, there seems to be an issue of miscommunication between me and another attorney (the head honcho, of course).  I don’t struggle with any other staff members, just her.  and I don’t know if they have issues with her too or not; and I’m not inquiring.

 

Wrestlemania was this past weekend.  if I get around to it, I may fangirl about it a little on here.  because OMG UNDERTAKER RETIRED AND THE HARDYZ ARE BACK.  what is happening in my life.  but more on that later, maybe.

 

I’m volunteering a lot again.  that’s kinda nice.  give me a fake sense of purpose, lol.  I volunteer one to two Saturdays a month with a pet food shelf; I’m trying to get onto the local nerd convention staff; I’m on my apartment complex’s volunteer team; and I’m about to be on the volunteer staff for the Minneapolis Bike Coalition.  so yeah, I should be keeping busy soon.

 

the weather is finally turning nice.  there’s a sun more times than not, and I’m down to wearing just my jean jacket over my work clothes, instead of seventeen different layers of fluff and puff.

 

okay, this is a long entry.  I’ll end it now.  write again soon.

a major medication mess-up

WOW.  so I managed to really fuck up being an adult.  I made a great discovery last night when I was dishing out my next two weeks of pills into each day’s three packet-things.  I was putting my vitamin C’s in my morning spots, when I noticed one said “200” on it.  I looked further, and I noticed a wide variety of different pills in the large bottle, such as “APO | QUE 200” and “905“.  if you clicked the links, you know where I fucked up.  if not, here it is:

I WAS TAKING 200MG OF SEROQUEL EVERY MORNING instead of my vitamin C.  O_O

for those of y’all who don’t know, Seroquel is an antipsychotic that is famous for the “Seroquel Zombie” side effect.  it also causes extreme drowsiness, feeling generally “spacey” or “out of it”, flu-like symptoms, GI issues, weight gain, et cetera, et cetera.

and the best part of all this — I have no clue for how long I’ve been taking 200mg of Seroquel every morning on an empty stomach.  XD

I need to call both my psychiatrist and my therapist and tell them about this little, uh, hiccup.  but I’m not sure how to do that.  I’ll text my therapist tomorrow (not sure if 9pm is too late for her on a work night) and ask when is a good time for a few minutes to talk.  I guess I just leave a message for my psychiatrist’s nurse, who I don’t know at all.

I suppose maybe this is why I was so tired last week when I was not taking any of my morning medication because I am irresponsible and moronic.  maybe that’s why I then started becoming very manic.  maybe that’s why I just feel like I’m starting to spiral down in the can’t-focus-look-a-squirrel-omg-I-want-to-cry-because-life-is-horrible route. just ugh.

medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.