quick little check-in

things were falling apart in October and November. really glad they’re over.

Bad Habits

December is rolling out and is … so-so. I’m seeing a few bad habits trickling in as stress management for everything.

not drinking though. still clean on that. the difference from other times is that I legit wanted to be done with it. I was doing it for me, not because someone else told me too. and that’s made all the difference.

I miss the culture associated with drinking. but I don’t miss who I was when I drank. so it works out.

my psych wants me to go to an ED clinc (eating disorder clinic). I’m doing a good enough job of not letting it control me, but rather just influence me. so we’ll see.

going to a clinic means fully admitting that it’s true. by not going, I can keep pretending I don’t have a problem, right?

also part of me is tied into the “I’m too fat to have an ED” lie. I know it’s not entirely true (second have, at least), but it’s nice to hold onto while I obsess and have freak outs.

grocery shopping has gotten hard. legit started crying in the store a few weeks back because I just couldn’t function. so yeah, there’s that.

Entertainment

Brian’s still running a pre-made D&D campaign for Ada (his bro), my mum, and me. we’re having fun. some nights, I’m stressed out by it; other nights, I really enjoy it. yay being crazy. :/

I’m trying to arrange stuff to do outside … in the snow. everyone says being in the element more assists in tolerating it. so I’m trying that tactic this year.

I really want to do the Polar Plunge this year. it’s “a series of events where people jump into a frozen lake to support Special Olympics Minnesota”. you raise or donate $50-$75 to be able to jump. the main one is in Minneapolis, and it’s the on I’d probably end up going to. tough there’s the Maple Grove one that a not going to be as busy and isn’t a horrible drive.

anyway. the drop is supposedly just wait deep, so my head shouldn’t be underwater too long, and I won’t really have the chance to drown, lol. and here’s a quick write-up of what happens to your stupid body when your stupid brain tells it to jump into a fucking frozen lake.

so I guess that’s it for this post. I need to start wrapping up for work. it”s takes an extra ten or so minutes just to get dressed. and another 10-30 minutes if you park outside to get your car functioning. I hate this place.

Monthly Consumptions: November 2019

Brain Food time again!

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Monthly Consumptions: October 2019

Brain Food time again!

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rough times on Ranch James

few weeks ago, my dad had emergency brain surgery.

last night, I learned that someone important to me attempted suicide (and failed) about two weeks ago.

around the same time as all of this, my temp job told me they won’t be taking me on permanently. (I’m too creative, it seems. maybe I’ll write more about that later

and winter is arriving soon. which is always a HUGE threat on my physical and emotional healths.

hard times are not a-comin’. they’re already here.

fuck social anxiety

this weekend was really hard for me.  almost left the grocery store because a panic attack was nigh — twice.  however, I threw in headphones and just checked out while Brian did most of the work; so I was able to endure.

then, I skipped a Halloween party Sat I really want to go to. I also didn’t go to the first meeting of my apartment complex’s new book club on Sun.

so like, I really did not exist this weekend, save D&D — which I honestly only barely made it through. I was really catty at the beginning until I could get out of my head. then I came around some.

it’s just so hard sometimes — people are exhausting, loud, encroaching, and overwhelming.

rubber bands and anchors

oh, hello there.

do you hear that noise, too? you must. it’s absolutely deafening.

the cacophony of clutter crashing on top of you. the sound of hopes and dreams and wishes blowing right past your head, so quickly you sometimes cannot hardly even identify them.

and then that sensation.

the feeling of muck and sludge leaking into your ears and your nostrils and between your teeth, filling your mind to the brim with utter waste.

sure, I have friends who give me Spoons to excavate the trash from my head. but it all fills back in faster than I can bail.

and yes, I’ve learned tricks from doctors and specialists as to how to apply earplugs to prevent the clatter and carnage from getting past the drums. but these methods are porous and fallible, so the shit slinks in anyhow.

I do, however, have Old Friends who pretend not that they can help or heal. and their familiar voices are eerily soothing as they whisper into my ears fond memories of long ago.

alas, present trajectory remains forward, despite the anchors attempting to keep me in place and the rubber bands struggling to snap me backwards.

30-Day Minimalism Game CONTINUES!

remember that 30-Day Minimalism Game I started back on June 1st? well, I’ve picked it back up recently. so here’s the page wherein all the images are being posted. I cheated a little for the last few days. but I’m still working on it and keeping to the spirit of the challenge. 🙂