Rock Your Paradox

below is from another entry by Danielle Laporte: “Rock Your Paradox“.

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congrats to you, Reader!

 

somehow, we made it everyone.

I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been MIA from here for a while. I just don’t want to Exist. And stuff like my blog keep me chained down. I mean, that’s kinda the point — to keep me grounded when I start floating away or (as is now) sinking below. but that doesn’t mean I like it.

the weekend is almost here.  I never had issues with weekends being “too short” until this job.  at the library, I loved what I did.  here, I like it well enough.  but I enjoy not being restricted to this office.  so I dunno.

in other news, my parents and baby bro (by “baby” I merely mean “younger” — he’s 27 XD) are coming into town to visit in the middle of June.  I think I’m actually really excited about it.  😀  I’ll be exhausted once they leave, I know.  but I’m excited for them to come up here.

more than anything, I’m excited for something different.

I keep making plans on the weekends and after work to keep me interested in life.  but all it is doing is making me exhausted.  so again, I dunno.

I wanna do another DITL — “Day in the Life” is a little internet fun thing wherein you take photos of an average day for you.  coffee if you have it every morning, gym if you go regularly, your work station, etc.  it’s fun.  and it makes me be present and in the moment more during the day, so as to decide if something is worth adding to the collection.   then you post your collection on your blog, your tumblr, your Instgram, Facebook, etc.  anyone else interested in doing one with me?  we don’t have to coordinate on exactly the same day.  but knowing that someone is expecting it will keep me accountable.  :3

I suppose that’s really all for now.  I just wanted to congratulate myself and everyone reading this for making it to another Thursday.  good job, y’all!  🙂

meh. \shrugs\

I locked the door behind me as I was leaving for work yesterday morning.  a thought flashed through my mind: “I should quit my job today.”

I didn’t.
and I won’t.

but I wanted to.  not for any of the reasons I’ve ever left a job before — which is almost always that the job is slowly killing me on the inside.  instead, I wanted to quit because I just wanted to quit everything.

I had stayed home Tuesday due to have fell ill over the weekend.  I slept all. day. long.  and Wednesday morning, I wondered why I wasn’t doing that everyday.

it’s been a while since I’ve just wanted to Quit.  like, not necessarily or specifically Life itself.  but just Everything.  (recent months, it’s been wanting to very precisely Quit Life.)  but as of the last few days?, weeks?, it’s been just wanting to casually say, “okay, that was fun.  but I’m done now.”

like when you’re playing a game, and you’re just done playing.  time to stop.  nothing drastic like taking your ball home.  nothing like forfeiting the play.  just, time to stop playing.  no remorse, no regret, just Quittin’ time.

part of me is very apathetic about my family coming up here in June.  (another part is OMG, super stoked!)  a large portion of me just doesn’t really care about anything.

will I be fit and prepared for the Tough Mudder?  meh.
will I do something fun this weekend?  meh.
will I enjoy reading my books the next time I pick them up?  meh.
will I eat anything today?  meh.
I just don’t really care about anything.

nothing seems important or matterful.  things are neither easy nor difficult, good nor bad.  I just don’t care.

I’m not sure if this is an improvement or just a side step from crippling depression.  the jury is still out on this one.

what the fuck have I done?

Brian and I have done it.  we’re committed.  July 15th, this year.  only three months away.

….we’ve signed up for Tough Mudder.

and I’m going to die.


Tough Mudder is like those adventure runs that I used to do all the time, except in Hard Mode.  it’s not so much a race as much as it is an obstacle course.

Tough Mudder is 10-12 miles of mud and 20+ obstacles designed to drag you out of your comfort zone. […]  With no podiums, winners, or clocks to race against, Tough Mudder isn’t about how fast you can cross the finish line. It’s about pushing yourself. It’s about teamwork, camaraderie, and accomplishing something extraordinary.

Brian is doing the 10 mile course with 20+ obstacles.  I’m only doing the 5 mile with 13 obstacles.  I’m not at a point where I could handle the 10 miles.  (though next year/time, I aim to be.  >:D )

all of this means I have to start working out again.  and I started this morning.  it means I have to workout every day, no matter what.  no excuses.  no wimping out.  even if it’s just a brisk walk outside for a few minutes, I have to do something.

the Tough Mudder website has a three-month workout program designed to help get you ready.  it’s a lot of circuit training and HITT — because that’s that kind of fitness I’ll need for the course.  and honestly, that’s the kind of fitness I want overall.  I want to be able to do bursts of stuff.  I don’t need long endurance.  and HITT is easier to change things up so I don’t get so bored as quickly.

that’s all for now.  I wish I could write a more concise and stream-lined post about it, but my brain is all over the place.  I wanted to at least get it out there that we’re doing this.  so that in the future, when I’m groaning about my workouts, you’ll know why.  😉

“[…] and we are soon forgotten […]”

early

~ Charles F. Raymond ~

work nigh resulted in self-injury

I was lying on my side, repeating a phrase with which was I was far too familiar. at the “ch” sound in the collection of words, I felt the top of my tongue bounce of the roof of my mouth in a familiar pattern. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, and I could barely transmit breathes past the sounds I was chanting. my eyes burned, and I could feel the air against the entire surface of my eyeballs. tears from the topside eye flowed into the lower. snot was dribbling out of my nostrils, passing just above my upper lip and down onto the couch.

but I didn’t cut. I didn’t pull out any hair. I only hit my head a few time. I didn’t scratch or burn or bite, or anything else that I wanted so terribly to do. I didn’t even drink. I Disappeared for a little bit to calm down, also known as purposefully disassociating. then I slowly rose and took a klonopin. I had no reason to be alive, and even less reason to be awake. I actually had a say-so in the latter, so I worked towards a goal — Disappear until tomorrow.

as I swallowed the pill, a shot of memories ran past my mind as I recalled how what was previously such a wonderful day pushed me into this dark, hateful place….

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should we be alright with being mediocre?

only 2.5 of the numerous jobs I’ve had did I very actively not like.  1.5 of them were retail (I say a half because I liked the job at first; it just got old and certain changes yielded to my starting to dislike it), and one of them was a call center.  all of the others, I actually didn’t mind going to work most days.  some days, I even really enjoyed it.

I’m on the fence about this one.  I like what I do — I like the money management, I like the paperwork, etc.  and I like for whom we do it — impoverish people who are just trying to have a new start in life, or who were unjustly attacked or injured.  and I even like most of the people I work with.  but when something here stresses me out, I bring it home and I obsess over it for several days later.

I allowed a few tears last night because of yesterday’s miscommunication.  because I’m just tired of it.  and I still am not sufficiently fluent in Spanish.  and I keep messing things up.

I asked Brian last night how do people endure working somewhere they hate.  he said, from what he’s come to understand, is that in most cases they just don’t care about the job they do.  they text, or play on Facebook, or take forever to do Job A to avoid having to do Job B, etc.  they don’t actually try most times, nor do they really care about their quality of work.

I can’t fathom that.  I mean, it makes sense.  it really does.  and I can see if from an employee’s view and from a customer’s view the poor service many people provide in various jobs.  but I can only see that a possibility; surely that can’t be reality.

that’s one reason I left the half-disliked job — the changes they made ensured I would not be able to do my best work in the position, and I wasn’t okay with that.

when I was at the call center, I tried to help every single customer to the best of my ability.

because that’s what we’re supposed to do, right?  how can we expect good service from others if we’re not providing it ourselves?  how can we ever improve or grow as individuals if we’re not challenging ourselves?  how is acceptable to okay at be shitty?

so maybe he’s right….  maybe I care too much about the quality of work I do.  maybe I’m at fault for having respect for others and for my job.

and I would love to say, “well here on out, I’ll be alright doing mediocre work just like everyone else.”  but I know that’s a lie.  so I’ll just stay in this job, and I just keep going home miserable, and I’ll keep crying and struggling.  because even I wanted to, I don’t think I could sacrifice my integrity just to make my life easier.