congrats to you, Reader!

 

somehow, we made it everyone.

I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve been MIA from here for a while. I just don’t want to Exist. And stuff like my blog keep me chained down. I mean, that’s kinda the point — to keep me grounded when I start floating away or (as is now) sinking below. but that doesn’t mean I like it.

the weekend is almost here.  I never had issues with weekends being “too short” until this job.  at the library, I loved what I did.  here, I like it well enough.  but I enjoy not being restricted to this office.  so I dunno.

in other news, my parents and baby bro (by “baby” I merely mean “younger” — he’s 27 XD) are coming into town to visit in the middle of June.  I think I’m actually really excited about it.  😀  I’ll be exhausted once they leave, I know.  but I’m excited for them to come up here.

more than anything, I’m excited for something different.

I keep making plans on the weekends and after work to keep me interested in life.  but all it is doing is making me exhausted.  so again, I dunno.

I wanna do another DITL — “Day in the Life” is a little internet fun thing wherein you take photos of an average day for you.  coffee if you have it every morning, gym if you go regularly, your work station, etc.  it’s fun.  and it makes me be present and in the moment more during the day, so as to decide if something is worth adding to the collection.   then you post your collection on your blog, your tumblr, your Instgram, Facebook, etc.  anyone else interested in doing one with me?  we don’t have to coordinate on exactly the same day.  but knowing that someone is expecting it will keep me accountable.  :3

I suppose that’s really all for now.  I just wanted to congratulate myself and everyone reading this for making it to another Thursday.  good job, y’all!  🙂

meh. \shrugs\

I locked the door behind me as I was leaving for work yesterday morning.  a thought flashed through my mind: “I should quit my job today.”

I didn’t.
and I won’t.

but I wanted to.  not for any of the reasons I’ve ever left a job before — which is almost always that the job is slowly killing me on the inside.  instead, I wanted to quit because I just wanted to quit everything.

I had stayed home Tuesday due to have fell ill over the weekend.  I slept all. day. long.  and Wednesday morning, I wondered why I wasn’t doing that everyday.

it’s been a while since I’ve just wanted to Quit.  like, not necessarily or specifically Life itself.  but just Everything.  (recent months, it’s been wanting to very precisely Quit Life.)  but as of the last few days?, weeks?, it’s been just wanting to casually say, “okay, that was fun.  but I’m done now.”

like when you’re playing a game, and you’re just done playing.  time to stop.  nothing drastic like taking your ball home.  nothing like forfeiting the play.  just, time to stop playing.  no remorse, no regret, just Quittin’ time.

part of me is very apathetic about my family coming up here in June.  (another part is OMG, super stoked!)  a large portion of me just doesn’t really care about anything.

will I be fit and prepared for the Tough Mudder?  meh.
will I do something fun this weekend?  meh.
will I enjoy reading my books the next time I pick them up?  meh.
will I eat anything today?  meh.
I just don’t really care about anything.

nothing seems important or matterful.  things are neither easy nor difficult, good nor bad.  I just don’t care.

I’m not sure if this is an improvement or just a side step from crippling depression.  the jury is still out on this one.

“[…] and we are soon forgotten […]”

early

~ Charles F. Raymond ~

the tiredness

a great read that really put you in the footsteps of one who suffers.

 

“When mental illness gets the best of you, we remind ourselves of who we are.”

Source: When mental illness gets the best of you, we remind ourselves of who we are.

random check-in

I finally caught up on comments to my posts.  I’m still going through all of y’all’s posts.

it seems I still have readers over at my LiveJournal.  so I may start posting over there again.  I’m getting emails again when my ElJay friends post, so that’s something.  ElJay was just so limiting, ya know?  but hey, it’s free, and it was what was available to me a million years ago.

ugh.  I’m just not feel it today.  I don’t give a shit about anything.  I don’t care about doing my job well, as I usually do.  I don’t care about how I look or feel, other than trying to care about the not-caring.  I’m not sure if I’m hungry, though I usually start to get so around this time.

I’m rekindling one of my favourite friendships — Dave.  he’s a freakin’ character, y’all.  anyway, he randomly messaged me about a week ago, and now we’re messaging almost everyday and have Skyped twice.  he’s super laissez-faire, just great fun.  he’s a supporter of some my “bad habits” (smokes. drinks. etc.), but he’s very healthy about them and guides me through proper methods of enjoying them.

he’s also my camping buddy.  I remember the first time I went to his place.  a fair bit of land, and a large pond.  there was an old pirogue (a cajun canoe) on the water, and he mentioned taking me out in it.  and I asked if there were two so we could both paddle.  he said there was only the one, then mentioned how maybe he should paddle alone.  I assertively informed him that I a master canoer and would be fine.  so we both get in.  and I just take over steering — apparently enough so and with sufficient skill that I thoroughly impressed him.  lol.  a year or so later, we would become river buddies, kayaking down various waters together.

kayaking.  I miss it.  it’s been too long since I’ve paddled.  hell, I would even take flat water right now.  just, anything.  and sun.  and warmth.  and creatures (bugs, birds, anything).

I have another post I plan to write more about that.  today’s was just to pump by blog back up on your reading list.  🙂

an orphan of home

feeling “at home” somewhere has always been a thing for me. it’s very important for me to have My Home or My Area.  currently, I don’t know where that is.  I call both Louisiana and the apartment in Minnesota “home”.  I “flew back home” for the holidays, yet we “made it back home” yesterday.  but I feel comfortable in neither of them; I don’t feel like I belong in either.

all of my shit is in Minnesota.  my rent and my cat are here.  my job is here.  but my friends are back in Louisiana; and my family, and my history.  my history that I wanted to escape — much of which I did successfully.

when I do go back to Louisiana, I am able to surround myself with only the people I like and care for.  for the most part, my life away has allowed me to create a kind of haven in Louisiana.  and I have very little history in Minnesota, so there’s almost nothing to escape or hide from.

I suppose I’m just babbling.  I’ll go back to work tomorrow like normal.  though I don’t really belong there.  and I’ll live in this apartment that’s not really mine.  and I’ll talk to people who are only just barely my friends.  but I won’t long to be back in Louisiana, because there lingers so much negativity of memories and people.  and I’ll just remain an orphan of home.

I’m close now, near a
place I used to call home.
It’s supposed to be easy to
come back to something so
ingrained in our bones. Yet if
that’s true, then why does
the familiar feel so cold?

~ “Cold“, by Jacob Ibrag

no passion

I used to be so passionate. ai cared about things, and shit mattered. but now, I don’t give a flying fuck.

I was waking up 7 days a week at 4am to go ouside on chilly November mornings to run for an hour. every. damn. day. even after I completed the 5k for which I wasntraining, I still went to the gym and/or ran fairly regularly.  these days, I can hardle do a twenty-minute walk on a treadmill while reading a book.

I was cooking at least one super healthy meal a week. now, I don’t even eat sometimes because I’m just too tired.

I would journal or blog or write or draw. I saw people, went places, did things. I was constantly learning and absorbing new information. but now, I can hardly stay awake at my job.

I have no passion for anything. even my fandoms are unfulfilling. I have no drive, no reason, no gusto, no want-to, no desire. no hope.

I had a brief walk in the gym today. not to get fit. but because Brian asked me to go, and I didn’t have anything else I was interested in doing.

I just have no care. no nothing. I’m so empty and direction-less