“go all Henry David Thoreau up in here”

I think I need a vaccay from people. like, from all humans. even Brian. go all Henry David Thoreau up in here or something.

I used to camp all the time. year round, and as much as possible. I would volunteer with organizations too. a lot of my time used to go to volunteerism.

I mean, I have a pessimistic, natural inclination to assume the worst about a given individual. but I used to at least allow them enough room to hang themselves. these days, I can hardly wait to pull a handle of judgment to drop people to a doom they possibly didn’t rightly deserve.

and those aforementioned communes with nature or surrounding myself with heartfelt people — they would reset the innate hatred I have within. they would fill me with beauty, awe, and hope. and then I had the energy to go tackle the harsh reality that is life.

but with no vacations to remind myself what matters, with no groups or friends also struggling to focus on the light, I feel … I just feel hopeless, adrift. like I’m just barely staying afloat in life instead enjoying the waves at a beach.

I will make it a point to find a volunteer group again. I will make it a point to go camping again soon (once it fucking warms a little, because I am a pussy in the cold). and I will make it a point to write again … even if there is no one remaining to read anything.

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can’t do this

I CAN’T DO THIS.

I’m tired of the NOISE.  so tired of THE LOUD-ASS NOISE THAT FUCKING ECHOES IN  YOUR GODDAMN HEART.  IN YOUR FUCKING MIND.

We throw tantrums like parties.
We’re not happy ’til everyone knows we’re SICK.
And that’s just how we like it.
We’ve hurt Bad enough, right?  We’ve Earned it.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
you can hear It.  It Breathes against you.  It Breathes in spite of you.  you are merely a Pawn in Its creation.
I mean, how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group;
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true.
you can’t do anything against its noise and chaos and pain and hate and loudness and rage and anxiety and compulsions and noise and paranoia and eating disorders and thoughts and opinions and concerns and just everything.  there is too much.  and the Mind never stops.  NEVER STOPS.
So now you know all my secrets.
I want out; I know I don’t need this.
Can you find me friends that don’t rank me on what I’ve been through?
The more battle scars, the more attention it gets you.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
but I Like it; rather I  Need it.  I hold on to it.  I don’t move past it.  because I’m scared about what’s beyond me, what’s More than me, what is -Without Me-.
I meant it when I said,
“I wanna get well! I wanna get well!”
Are the rest of you so content?
Stay where you are, but it hurts like hell.
And I’m sure it’s fun at first;
test your pulse, and check your vitals.
If it’s only a Game, you lost me.
I quit it with the Suicidal Recital.

shit.  I can’t even pretend I know the original direction this post was going in…..
I was lost.  hopeless.  depressed.  so many of those Old and Comforting Feelings I had.  but Brian suggested I Write instead of mope.  Write.  how often do I Write anymore?  and what of that which I Write even matters anymore?  I mean, none of it really.  at least back then, it was the Truth as per a small child whose life was important.  now I’m adult who’s thrown off on her own and matters not.
Yeah, we should’ve known it would End this way.
What did you expect? — pretend it all Away?
And all we’ve got left is a sorry pile of hearts.
I’m getting out — gonna write myself a new Start.
Come on, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side.
Run as fast as you can, and we’ll make it out alive.
We know better now; we don’t have to live like This.
Go tell them all we don’t have to live like This.

SURPRISE ME.

let me go.
let me FREE.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Z9fGKx7yzF4?rel=0

let me not wake tomorrow.

I’m tired of this Battle again.

it’s the same War I’ve been fighting for so long.

LET ME GO!!!

 

“[…] and we are soon forgotten […]”

early

~ Charles F. Raymond ~

Feel

powerful quote that I need to keep in mind.

reblogging in hopes that it will guide others as it guides me.

Eyes + Words

1/30/2017

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from

that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break

you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason

you are  here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be

swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or

left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and

listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their

sweetness. Tell yourself  you tasted as many as you could.”

– Louise Erdrich


Photography by Marta Bevacqua

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therapy homework

I went to the therapist again last night. she suggested I need more fun and small adventures in my life. no shit. but it was that she directly and specificly told Brian that he needs to take a little more initive in finding things to do. I feel less bad about having requested similar recently.

I’m also supposed to start moving again. like, even just a 10min walk in morning. but I can’t even get up to shower before work on some days. how the fuck am I supposed tobget up earlier and be active. ::le sigh::

I just don’t know how to do it. I know what to do; but I don’t know how to get the energy or desire for this.

I admitted to Brian and my therapist last night that I’m getting to the point where I would prefer things to worsenso that it can be bad enough that suicide would be at least partially justifiable. I mean, no one would forgive me, I know. but at least a few people would be like, “yeah, things were the worsenthey ever werenfor her”. and at least maybe I won’t change my mind part of the way through it….

《~ posted via mobile device ~》

therapy homework

I went to the therapist again last night. she suggested I need more fun and small adventures in my life. no shit. but it was that she directly and specificly told Brian that he needs to take a little more initive in finding things to do. I feel less bad about having requested similar recently.

I’m also supposed to start moving again. like, even just a 10min walk in morning. but I can’t even get up to shower before work on some days. how the fuck am I supposed tobget up earlier and be active. ::le sigh::

I just don’t know how to do it. I know what to do; but I don’t know how to get the energy or desire for this.

I admitted to Brian and my therapist last night that I’m getting to the point where I would prefer things to worsenso that it can be bad enough that suicide would be at least partially justifiable. I mean, no one would forgive me, I know. but at least a few people would be like, “yeah, things were the worsenthey ever werenfor her”. and at least maybe I won’t change my mind part of the way through it….

《~ posted via mobile device ~》

at what Level in Hell is *accidental* deception…?

perspectives. things can be radically different with even just a slight alter in paradigm, or even from a tiny change of information held.  small nuggets of knowledge, observations, or experiences can cause radical shifts if opinions.

I have to be more cryptic than usual (woah boy!) out of respect to the other party involved. but I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve been accidentally deceptive. I know I haven’t been, but I still feel like I have. and we all know what great of friends Guilt and I are.

as some of you know, money has been really tight these last few months. we expected me to be unemployed, at most, for three months.  but here it is, six months later, and I am only just now acquiring a regular income.  this means we’ve been living on a tight budget recently. but that does not mean we are impoverish.

prior to this occupational dry spell, Brian and I had comfortable lives. we had food on our plates, beds under our heads, and chairs under our butts — all while being able to afford to occasional monetary splurge or adventure; also concurrent with ensuring our past debts were being lessened, and that I acquired the necessary doctor visits and medications to ensure I stayed alive and (all things considered) well.

but then we had our income almost literally halved. so the month-to-month, week-to-week, and even day-to-day expenses were nigh destroyed. I still had my badass couch and television, Brian still had his tv and computer, and we had all of our ridiculous toys and games and books — because it was all already paid off.

what we didn’t have or had to struggle to afford was food for the week, gas in the car for the trips to work, any kind of medical expenses (docs, meds, even my chiropractic care had to be dissolved). everything we already worked for, we of course had no problem keeping. it was stuff we needed to acquire in the present or future that we couldn’t manage — because we didn’t have the income.

and really, we are still struggling. tmrw, I should be getting my second paycheck since moving our now-frozen asses up here, over six months ago. all savings are gone (including the OMG-WE-LITERALLY-MAY-STARVE $100 bill from my Dad he gave me over a decade ago). and throughout all this, we (this includes Zero) still need to eat.

but when you come to our home, it doesn’t look like there were a few weeks when literally every meal was the 10- to 20-cent packs of ramen (10-cent in LA, 20-cent in MN — because metropolises).

——

so what is the point of all this?

well, I have had the opportunity to become very good friendly acquaintances with an adult member of a family up here. releasing as little info as possible: said family is moving into a smaller living space, and money has become very tight for it. said family has multiple times offered to give us food and such. I was always reluctant to accept. but when said family disclosed to me their living accommodations changed, we saw an opportunity for “Team Ow to get more” and for “moving family to have/move less”.

however, the insecurity within me fears that said family may see me as being two-faced or deceptive. as in, “how could this couple not afford food when they can afford a living space and elements as spacious and robust as this?”

in a futile attempt to disillusion any concept this family unit had of our living area, I believe I may have accidentally offended them — as foolishly as always, “open foot, insert mouth”, as the saying is twisted.

and now, I may have lost a potential Friend up here. :/

TLDR:
I helped a small family to move.
I got paranoid of their perceptions of me.
I made things worse by trying to make them better.
I probably have thus acquired an enemy rather than a friend.

—-

Goal utterly Failed