the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.

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can’t do this

I CAN’T DO THIS.

I’m tired of the NOISE.  so tired of THE LOUD-ASS NOISE THAT FUCKING ECHOES IN  YOUR GODDAMN HEART.  IN YOUR FUCKING MIND.

We throw tantrums like parties.
We’re not happy ’til everyone knows we’re SICK.
And that’s just how we like it.
We’ve hurt Bad enough, right?  We’ve Earned it.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
you can hear It.  It Breathes against you.  It Breathes in spite of you.  you are merely a Pawn in Its creation.
I mean, how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group;
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true.
you can’t do anything against its noise and chaos and pain and hate and loudness and rage and anxiety and compulsions and noise and paranoia and eating disorders and thoughts and opinions and concerns and just everything.  there is too much.  and the Mind never stops.  NEVER STOPS.
So now you know all my secrets.
I want out; I know I don’t need this.
Can you find me friends that don’t rank me on what I’ve been through?
The more battle scars, the more attention it gets you.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
but I Like it; rather I  Need it.  I hold on to it.  I don’t move past it.  because I’m scared about what’s beyond me, what’s More than me, what is -Without Me-.
I meant it when I said,
“I wanna get well! I wanna get well!”
Are the rest of you so content?
Stay where you are, but it hurts like hell.
And I’m sure it’s fun at first;
test your pulse, and check your vitals.
If it’s only a Game, you lost me.
I quit it with the Suicidal Recital.

shit.  I can’t even pretend I know the original direction this post was going in…..
I was lost.  hopeless.  depressed.  so many of those Old and Comforting Feelings I had.  but Brian suggested I Write instead of mope.  Write.  how often do I Write anymore?  and what of that which I Write even matters anymore?  I mean, none of it really.  at least back then, it was the Truth as per a small child whose life was important.  now I’m adult who’s thrown off on her own and matters not.
Yeah, we should’ve known it would End this way.
What did you expect? — pretend it all Away?
And all we’ve got left is a sorry pile of hearts.
I’m getting out — gonna write myself a new Start.
Come on, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side.
Run as fast as you can, and we’ll make it out alive.
We know better now; we don’t have to live like This.
Go tell them all we don’t have to live like This.

SURPRISE ME.

let me go.
let me FREE.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Z9fGKx7yzF4?rel=0

let me not wake tomorrow.

I’m tired of this Battle again.

it’s the same War I’ve been fighting for so long.

LET ME GO!!!

 

just a check-in

I’m noticing certain attributes and quirks about myself return as I’m continuing to not be on the Seroquel.  not all good, but whatever.  my therapist is suggesting that it’s not an incoming of a hypomania, but may be just getting back to “myself”.  I don’t feel like I have a “myself” — I am whatever the disease makes me.

she wants to work on how critical I am of myself.  we both understand a lot of it is connected to my relationship with and the my upbringing by my parents.  we both understand that this is going to be a difficult journey.  she thinks good will come of it; I think it may not make a difference.

I described to her how my brain was broken, and one such broken part was my self-critical nature.  I didn’t go into it, but another broken part is how I won’t let myself be happy.  I’m not even sure I want to be happy, because I’m not sure I deserve it.  of course all of this ties together.  but the overly self-judgmental portion is going to be the first focus.  we’ll see how that goes.

 

work is okay, I guess.  I’m still seeming to not do things correctly, and I’m still not fluent in Spanish.  so of course I believe that I’m still failing at this job.  everytime I take a step of initiative, it backfires.  and everytime I think I’ve really got something down, I’m informed of how inaccurately I did it.  it’s getting old; it’s exhausting and discouraging.

and the attorneys aren’t cruel or rude about it or anything.  I mean, every so often I’ll be told something in what I think is an necessarily forceful manner, but that doesn’t really get to me.  it’s the general suckiness of myself that gets to me.

as I was telling one of my besties, there seems to be an issue of miscommunication between me and another attorney (the head honcho, of course).  I don’t struggle with any other staff members, just her.  and I don’t know if they have issues with her too or not; and I’m not inquiring.

 

Wrestlemania was this past weekend.  if I get around to it, I may fangirl about it a little on here.  because OMG UNDERTAKER RETIRED AND THE HARDYZ ARE BACK.  what is happening in my life.  but more on that later, maybe.

 

I’m volunteering a lot again.  that’s kinda nice.  give me a fake sense of purpose, lol.  I volunteer one to two Saturdays a month with a pet food shelf; I’m trying to get onto the local nerd convention staff; I’m on my apartment complex’s volunteer team; and I’m about to be on the volunteer staff for the Minneapolis Bike Coalition.  so yeah, I should be keeping busy soon.

 

the weather is finally turning nice.  there’s a sun more times than not, and I’m down to wearing just my jean jacket over my work clothes, instead of seventeen different layers of fluff and puff.

 

okay, this is a long entry.  I’ll end it now.  write again soon.

racing thoughts

I was having a fit Thursday, right around 1300h.  and below is what I scrawled onto my tablet….

Continue reading

predictability of Self

one of the things I find myself hating the most about my particular combination of Crazies is that I never really know who I am going to be at any given moment.

Brian says that sleep “resets” him.  when he wakes the next day, his mood and minddset are typically returned to a realitively consistant state of normalacy.  and this reset happens most every time.

meanwhile, I don’t know who I am going to be sometimes from mere hour-to-hour — much less a whole fucking day later.

it makes planning hard and predictibility and consistency impossible.  I may schedulebto hang out with friends three days from now, only to wake and be absolutely horrified of the world and social interactions.

《~ posted via mobile device ~》

an update

I think my last real and personal update was from back at the beginning of March.  since then, it’s been reblogging, sharing articles, or just general whining.  so I suppose it’s time for another recap.  I’ll try to keep this one short.  (ha!)

 

legally

my previous court date was March 18th.  three movements were approved: make S my lawyer, be given all of the prosecutor’s evidence against me, and push my sentencing date back until sometime in May.  so we have until May 6th to make a case for myself.  S is optimistic; Brian is realistic; and I am ever the pessimist.  (actually, the neurologist (details later) commented on how I was even more pessimistic than he was about something, and he’s apparently the most pessimistic person his lot knows, lol.  I’ll keep my Prince of Pessimism crown, thank you.)

my payment for S’s assistance is not monetary.  rather, he’s using my librarian and research skills to help him scour the earth for ancient archives about waterfowl in southern Louisiana.  ugh.  I made a lot of progress Tuesday, but there’s still countless shits to be done.  some of this is going to require a two hour drive to [redacted] to look through their newspaper’s physical archives — and my “physical archives”, I mean they just took print copies of their issues and put them in binders then stuck them on shelves.  O_O  the newspaper’s editors, owners, and publishers are all a single married couple.  then there’s two people who help write, and one person who created their website.  I’d totally post the link and all, but I need to not piss them off before I can get information from them, lol!!  (I really am a bad person.  :/ )

 

neurologist appointment

I saw the neurologist this past Monday.  apparently the seizure a few weeks ago and the stroke about a decade ago were actually fits that occurred because I have convulsive syncope.  wut?  so I did some research.  however, everything that came up in my initial quick search is either also like “IDK” or is too technical for me to comprehend.  so I’ll do a more thorough investigation later (such as my school’s databases and the like).  I may also contact the office again and ask for public or academic sources so I can gleam more information.

anyway, the EEG they did showed it’s nothing too major.  staying on anti-epileptic medication should fend it off.  and if I get have to get off the meds, I need to taper off more slowly than otherwise, just in case.  he said I may have another fit in a decade or two, but it’s nothing too terrible.  O_o

additionally, he noted that women in their teens to early twenties and old people are usually those who suffer, so I’m kinda an oddball here.  my mom (who was with me) and I just shrugged, “par for the course”.


library changes

due to employment rules and bullshit, I can’t say too much.  but things are really changing at the library.  the chain of command above my boss have been remodeled — to the point that we’re not really sure what’s going on.  my supervisor’s boss is emailing us about projects and stuff.  not wanting to go over my supervisor’s head, we peons are hesitant to engage the new boss; however, we also don’t want to seem aloof or incompetent to someone who has more power.  yay office politics!

secondly, on top of all this, we were supposed to be getting rid of Joule.  backstory: Joule, a child of Moodle, is an online software that allows instructors and students to interact, exchange files, take and grade tests, communicate via messages and forums, submit and grade homework, input and review grades, etc.  why the library is in charge, who the fuck knows?  we are not connected to the instructors nor to IT.  this should be one of their babies, not ours.  but whatever, we’ve been dealing with Joule forever now.

well, the contract with Joule is ending, and the school is going to be picking up Canvas, a similar software hosted by a different company.  we were thankful to be done with that monster (as there really needs to be a person whose sole job is Joule, rather than making it one of the many responsibilities of a person in a random different department).  but now, with boss’s boss coming in (he was originally just over IT, but recently picked us up too), he wants us to take over Canvas, plus all the other projects he wants us to do.

did I mention, by the way, one of our librarians was fired last month.  so we’ll be doing all this with fewer personnel too.  D:

 

Properties Control Technician

 however, none of this may apply to me in the near future.  again, I can’t say much, but I may get getting an interview for the school’s Properties Control Technician position.  basically, this position keeps track of and regulate all of the property that SLCC currently has as well as records and distribute those that are incoming.  the person is pretty involved with Accounting, but also dabbles in the business of basically everywhere else.  purchasing, receipts, vouchers, shipment, etc.

I have this experience on a smaller scale with multiple companies.  but I also was doing it alone, so I had to self-train and create my own system.  my only concern is that it involves traveling to other campuses — and I no longer have a valid license.  I know the Properties Control Manager; when he mentioned trying to get me an interview for this Friday, I was honest about the lack of driving ability (he already knew about the pending DUI charges).  paraphrasing, he said, “I do most of the traveling.  so if you do get hired, we’d figure something out.”  O_o

another caveat is that the guy who had this position before — he’s a good friend of mine.  he’s somewhat of an emotional an illogical bloke, so it crossed my mind that he may be angry or offended if I get the job from which he was fired less than two months ago.  but then again, I’m a bitch, I’m in serious debt, and I’m not emotional (in that sense), so fuck it, lol.

oh, and did I mention this: $31,000 salary?!  :DDDDDDDDD

 

Brian’s jobs

 Brian’s been as diligent as his ADD ass can be about applying for jobs.  simultaneously, he’s been taking a lot of substituting, tutoring, and proctoring jobs during the day.  he subbed for two weeks at a middle school; he proctored the LEAP test for elementary kids last week; and he tutors for about two hours every Sunday.

this Friday (holy shit, that’s tomorrow), he’ll be trekking out to Houston for some kind of job fair.

there’s also some company he applied to for something-something-Math-something.  apparently they’re looking for technical writers too; he sent me the link.  I’ve been told by several people that I should pursue technical writing, so I will at least look into it.  ::shrugs::

 

electronics

for a while now (like, maybe two weeks?), my cell phone would not accept calls.  a recording would come on to the caller saying that I wasn’t accepting calls and fuck you.  (paraphrasing, of course.)  so I spent two hours yesterday morning on the internet, on my cell, on my work phone talking to customer service, talking to Mum, and talking to Dad, trying to sort this fucking shit out.  AND SUCCESS!!  I CAN RECEIVE CALLS AGAIN!  however, said cell phone still has a battery life of only two hours.  so that’s on the to-do list now.  but hey, like I said, at least I can receive calls and voice mails.  (that’s right; people couldn’t even leave a fucking voice mail previously.)

I got two buddies of mine helping me amp up my PC.  I’ve got some great games on Steam that I can’t play, and it’s causing me distress.  details undecided, so updates pending.

 

bad habits + (hypo)manias

I’ve been good about the not drinking.  it’s still hard, as it’s my coping mechanism.  and not being on any goddamn antidepressants or anxiety meds, it’s making emotional/mental and stress management nigh impossible.  there have been days wherein I just go to bed at 7pm or so in attempts to no exist; often that works.  but other days, I’m too anxious to really be able to do that.  I typically trudge through the evening in those cases.  though on the rare occasion, I break down and have a few beers.

the cutting.  it’s legitimately returned.  it’s no longer a tease, a possibility.  it’s now a realistic option.  I haven’t gotten out of hand or terribly irresponsible with it.  however, bandages and scar tape are no longer under the sink, but now remain on top of the counter due to easy access for frequent usage.

I’m noticing other manic symptoms returning.  though my auditory hallucinations aren’t terrible yet, I believe they are returning.  as usually, it starts with just buzzing, beeping, screeching, or talking.  later it evolves.  I honestly do not typically get concerned until the next phase; rather, right now, I just observe.

but the counting, the washing, the cleaning, the arranging — all of my OCD tendencies are heightened.  I’m washing my hands unnecessarily.  I use hand sanitizer, wash my hands, then sanitize again in single session.  I’m counting things whose amounts I need not know.  I’m lining up and rearranging office supplies and furniture, both at home and at work.

and the patience.  I have none.  I want to stab Brian in his fucking eyeball with a rusty spoon everytime he flubs up, even just a little.  when Sean says something in passing that I can’t hear, I want to scream at him “STOP FUCKING MUTTERING!”  when a student asks a question, I’m fine; but when they disregard or criticize my solution or when the same person re-asks the fucking question, it’s all I can do to not kick them in the shin and then put their fingers in our paper cutter.

Thankfully, I rediscovered crying just before I got sick of hating things.  I call this emotion “crying” and not “sadness” because that’s all it really was. Just crying for the sake of crying.  My brain had partially learned how to be sad again, but it took the feeling out for a joy ride before it had learned how to use the brakes or steer.
~ Hyperbole and a Half

eventually, everything attempts to bring me to tears, even if I don’t actually really care.  a commercial, food, a comment, I just breakdown.  I think it’s just an overwhelming amount of emotions — stress, anger, sadness, mania, irritation, hopefulness, love, etc. — that are trying to get out, and fucking tears are the only way they can manage to get around my barriers.  Sean himself said something to the effect of how I don’t let myself feel things.  he’s all too accurate; and anyone who’s really known me for any length of time understands I’ve been like from the start, and I’ll probably always remain this way.





colorless green ideas sleep furiously

wow. that last time I posted was on the sixth? and I was drunk at the time. what a marvelous update it must have been for you all. :/

I think I’m falling into a hypomanic phase. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing.

I tend to get hypomanic during my period.  and I think I should be starting that soon.  I usually have an app on my phone that tracks my cycle.  but with my phone being in the shop for repairs, I’m kinda at a loss.

anyhow, I’m showing manic symptoms. my legs do the bouncing more hwne I’m sitting still. I’m struggling to type because my hands are moving faster than my brain can keep up; or is it that my brain is moving faster than my fingers? I’m not really sure on that one. it’s probably both. oh, and focus — I have none. as is evident by this paragraph.

so yeah, I think I’m hypomanic.  there was that post I wrote a while back about manias.  it’s apt.

which may be nice. maybe I’ll actually get some shit done.

my apartment is a mess. like, a disaster. and of course I’m apparently the only person in there capable of cleaning. it’s like Brian’s got an allergy against cleaning. I dunno; whatever. I’ll work on that this weekend.

I’ve also got a lot of papers and homework to grade this weekend too. I have to have them back to the students by Monday so they can work on their final drafts due Wed. ugh.

but Saturday is the Gulf Brew festival. it’s an event wherein you can sample over 100 different beers. I love it. Dad and I go every year now. it’s fun. my mum is always my dad and my DD. I print the book out and check off what I like and don’t like.

 

in other news, I’ve been catching up on my shows. I’m way behind in wrestling, sadly. I have no clue who’s feuding who. but I’m behind only one episode in each Bones, Castle, and The Red Band Society. I’m still way behind in Glee and Supernatural though. meanwhile, I’m caught up on Gotham.

and I’ve been drinking too much again. I gotta learn to control it better. :/

okay, I don’t think I really have anything of any importance to say now. peace out.