can’t do this

I CAN’T DO THIS.

I’m tired of the NOISE.  so tired of THE LOUD-ASS NOISE THAT FUCKING ECHOES IN  YOUR GODDAMN HEART.  IN YOUR FUCKING MIND.

We throw tantrums like parties.
We’re not happy ’til everyone knows we’re SICK.
And that’s just how we like it.
We’ve hurt Bad enough, right?  We’ve Earned it.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
you can hear It.  It Breathes against you.  It Breathes in spite of you.  you are merely a Pawn in Its creation.
I mean, how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group;
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true.
you can’t do anything against its noise and chaos and pain and hate and loudness and rage and anxiety and compulsions and noise and paranoia and eating disorders and thoughts and opinions and concerns and just everything.  there is too much.  and the Mind never stops.  NEVER STOPS.
So now you know all my secrets.
I want out; I know I don’t need this.
Can you find me friends that don’t rank me on what I’ve been through?
The more battle scars, the more attention it gets you.
Don’t tell the others, but it’s all getting old.
but I Like it; rather I  Need it.  I hold on to it.  I don’t move past it.  because I’m scared about what’s beyond me, what’s More than me, what is -Without Me-.
I meant it when I said,
“I wanna get well! I wanna get well!”
Are the rest of you so content?
Stay where you are, but it hurts like hell.
And I’m sure it’s fun at first;
test your pulse, and check your vitals.
If it’s only a Game, you lost me.
I quit it with the Suicidal Recital.

shit.  I can’t even pretend I know the original direction this post was going in…..
I was lost.  hopeless.  depressed.  so many of those Old and Comforting Feelings I had.  but Brian suggested I Write instead of mope.  Write.  how often do I Write anymore?  and what of that which I Write even matters anymore?  I mean, none of it really.  at least back then, it was the Truth as per a small child whose life was important.  now I’m adult who’s thrown off on her own and matters not.
Yeah, we should’ve known it would End this way.
What did you expect? — pretend it all Away?
And all we’ve got left is a sorry pile of hearts.
I’m getting out — gonna write myself a new Start.
Come on, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side.
Run as fast as you can, and we’ll make it out alive.
We know better now; we don’t have to live like This.
Go tell them all we don’t have to live like This.

SURPRISE ME.

let me go.
let me FREE.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Z9fGKx7yzF4?rel=0

let me not wake tomorrow.

I’m tired of this Battle again.

it’s the same War I’ve been fighting for so long.

LET ME GO!!!

 

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a non-typical post about Panic Attacks

so first, let’s understand a typical panic attack:

“a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety.”  that’s the general definition.  when people think of “panic attacks”, they see Monk freaking out.  how cute, right?

but real panic attacks are more than just that.

and then there are the atypical panic attacks.  the ones that happen in the mind and never manifest outside the body.  I just had one.  I was sitting here, trying to coordinate my route and plans at home.  and inside my Mind, I lost my damn Shit.  externally, no one would have seen anything; I seemed fine.  I was in control of all my motors, and I wasn’t babbling some incoherent shit.  but inside of my head, LIGHTS WERE GOING OFF THAT SET OFF ADDITIONAL ALARMS AND EVERYTHING WAS SHUTTING DOWN AND I CAN’T DO THIS!!

and then, after several minutes, it stopped.  and now …. now that I am ready to write about it, I can’t.  so there goes that fucking useful as shit entry…….

a2z: Kleptomania

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Kleptomania

 

Brian is convinced I’m a slight kleptomaniac.  I disagree.  in fact, I’m going to tell you about what kleptomania is, and then I’ll compare it to my habits.  and then I’ll email him a copy of this post as defense.

the DSM-V is the current bible-equivalent for psychologists, psychiatrists, and everyone one else who throws mind-fucked labels at you.  and, much like the the religious Bible, it’s an excellent foundation that can point you in a good direction and with a sufficient-enough approach, but it really can’t be applied to every fucking specific case that ever existed.  however, as stated, it’s a great starting point.

anyway.  the DSM-V categorizes kleptomania with the “disruptive, impulse control, and conduct disorders”.  kleptomania specifically means there is an impulse or urge to steal things that, typically, a person doesn’t even fucking need or want.  sure, many people have thoughts cross their mind like, “ooh, it would be so easy to just knick that wallet; no one would notice.”  but they don’t do it.  a klepto often does.  sometimes, a person won’t steal because they’ve considered the consequences, and it’s just not worth it.  but for a klepto, they take the shit after realizing the trouble it could cause and while knowing they don’t need the damn item.

because mental disorders are lonely blokes, comorbidity is common.  kleptos often also have eating disorders, anxiety disorder, personality disorders, OCD, and bipolar disorder.  the depression-suicide side of being a nutbag isn’t as prevalent in kleptos, unless their kleptomania (or other comorbid beast) is causing them serious distress in their lives; apparently the k-mania itself isn’t usually a cause.

but anyway.  it, and pyromania, used to be their own classification.  then, in the DSM-V, the ol’ boys got together and revamped it so that both are now just hanging out with the other “we don’t behave correctly in society” disorders, like oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder (which I think all cats have), the callous specifier, etc.

basically, it plays out like this:  “holy fuck, I need to take this item.  not because there’s voices telling me to or because I need the item.  I just need to have the act of taking it.”  ::item is taken::  “aaaah, that’s better.  ….well fuck, now what do I do with this shit?”

to get help, you undergo cognitive-behavioral therapy, undergo rational-emotive therapy, or sometimes take anxiety-reducing medication (apparently fluoxetine and naltrexone are favourites).  other than that, there’s not much research done on the matter.

so, as aforementioned, this post was originally planned to encourage me to do some deep research into the disorder, thereby finding facts that would support my argument that I’m not a kleptomaniac — that I just like taking petty things because it makes me feel good and is usually harmless, and that it eases the anxiety I would otherwise have if I didn’t take it.  then I read that there’s no real numerical check-list or classification system I can use to disprove his argument; but instead, they just described me.

fuck.

so the next time I take a street sign (I have several), traffic cone (I have three), a street light (two), broken furniture on the side of the road that’s obviously meant for the dumpster, possibly-full bottle of fuel sitting in the grass meant for a BBQ grill I don’t even own, abandoned bikes by trashcans, and other things maaaaaybe I should just let alone — I think I won’t even mention to Brian the inclination to knick said items.  I mean, I’m not saying I won’t go back afterwards and get them.  I just think I won’t let him know.  :/  also, I don’t think I’ll be emailing this post to him afterall, lol.

 

Kleptomania

an update

I think my last real and personal update was from back at the beginning of March.  since then, it’s been reblogging, sharing articles, or just general whining.  so I suppose it’s time for another recap.  I’ll try to keep this one short.  (ha!)

 

legally

my previous court date was March 18th.  three movements were approved: make S my lawyer, be given all of the prosecutor’s evidence against me, and push my sentencing date back until sometime in May.  so we have until May 6th to make a case for myself.  S is optimistic; Brian is realistic; and I am ever the pessimist.  (actually, the neurologist (details later) commented on how I was even more pessimistic than he was about something, and he’s apparently the most pessimistic person his lot knows, lol.  I’ll keep my Prince of Pessimism crown, thank you.)

my payment for S’s assistance is not monetary.  rather, he’s using my librarian and research skills to help him scour the earth for ancient archives about waterfowl in southern Louisiana.  ugh.  I made a lot of progress Tuesday, but there’s still countless shits to be done.  some of this is going to require a two hour drive to [redacted] to look through their newspaper’s physical archives — and my “physical archives”, I mean they just took print copies of their issues and put them in binders then stuck them on shelves.  O_O  the newspaper’s editors, owners, and publishers are all a single married couple.  then there’s two people who help write, and one person who created their website.  I’d totally post the link and all, but I need to not piss them off before I can get information from them, lol!!  (I really am a bad person.  :/ )

 

neurologist appointment

I saw the neurologist this past Monday.  apparently the seizure a few weeks ago and the stroke about a decade ago were actually fits that occurred because I have convulsive syncope.  wut?  so I did some research.  however, everything that came up in my initial quick search is either also like “IDK” or is too technical for me to comprehend.  so I’ll do a more thorough investigation later (such as my school’s databases and the like).  I may also contact the office again and ask for public or academic sources so I can gleam more information.

anyway, the EEG they did showed it’s nothing too major.  staying on anti-epileptic medication should fend it off.  and if I get have to get off the meds, I need to taper off more slowly than otherwise, just in case.  he said I may have another fit in a decade or two, but it’s nothing too terrible.  O_o

additionally, he noted that women in their teens to early twenties and old people are usually those who suffer, so I’m kinda an oddball here.  my mom (who was with me) and I just shrugged, “par for the course”.


library changes

due to employment rules and bullshit, I can’t say too much.  but things are really changing at the library.  the chain of command above my boss have been remodeled — to the point that we’re not really sure what’s going on.  my supervisor’s boss is emailing us about projects and stuff.  not wanting to go over my supervisor’s head, we peons are hesitant to engage the new boss; however, we also don’t want to seem aloof or incompetent to someone who has more power.  yay office politics!

secondly, on top of all this, we were supposed to be getting rid of Joule.  backstory: Joule, a child of Moodle, is an online software that allows instructors and students to interact, exchange files, take and grade tests, communicate via messages and forums, submit and grade homework, input and review grades, etc.  why the library is in charge, who the fuck knows?  we are not connected to the instructors nor to IT.  this should be one of their babies, not ours.  but whatever, we’ve been dealing with Joule forever now.

well, the contract with Joule is ending, and the school is going to be picking up Canvas, a similar software hosted by a different company.  we were thankful to be done with that monster (as there really needs to be a person whose sole job is Joule, rather than making it one of the many responsibilities of a person in a random different department).  but now, with boss’s boss coming in (he was originally just over IT, but recently picked us up too), he wants us to take over Canvas, plus all the other projects he wants us to do.

did I mention, by the way, one of our librarians was fired last month.  so we’ll be doing all this with fewer personnel too.  D:

 

Properties Control Technician

 however, none of this may apply to me in the near future.  again, I can’t say much, but I may get getting an interview for the school’s Properties Control Technician position.  basically, this position keeps track of and regulate all of the property that SLCC currently has as well as records and distribute those that are incoming.  the person is pretty involved with Accounting, but also dabbles in the business of basically everywhere else.  purchasing, receipts, vouchers, shipment, etc.

I have this experience on a smaller scale with multiple companies.  but I also was doing it alone, so I had to self-train and create my own system.  my only concern is that it involves traveling to other campuses — and I no longer have a valid license.  I know the Properties Control Manager; when he mentioned trying to get me an interview for this Friday, I was honest about the lack of driving ability (he already knew about the pending DUI charges).  paraphrasing, he said, “I do most of the traveling.  so if you do get hired, we’d figure something out.”  O_o

another caveat is that the guy who had this position before — he’s a good friend of mine.  he’s somewhat of an emotional an illogical bloke, so it crossed my mind that he may be angry or offended if I get the job from which he was fired less than two months ago.  but then again, I’m a bitch, I’m in serious debt, and I’m not emotional (in that sense), so fuck it, lol.

oh, and did I mention this: $31,000 salary?!  :DDDDDDDDD

 

Brian’s jobs

 Brian’s been as diligent as his ADD ass can be about applying for jobs.  simultaneously, he’s been taking a lot of substituting, tutoring, and proctoring jobs during the day.  he subbed for two weeks at a middle school; he proctored the LEAP test for elementary kids last week; and he tutors for about two hours every Sunday.

this Friday (holy shit, that’s tomorrow), he’ll be trekking out to Houston for some kind of job fair.

there’s also some company he applied to for something-something-Math-something.  apparently they’re looking for technical writers too; he sent me the link.  I’ve been told by several people that I should pursue technical writing, so I will at least look into it.  ::shrugs::

 

electronics

for a while now (like, maybe two weeks?), my cell phone would not accept calls.  a recording would come on to the caller saying that I wasn’t accepting calls and fuck you.  (paraphrasing, of course.)  so I spent two hours yesterday morning on the internet, on my cell, on my work phone talking to customer service, talking to Mum, and talking to Dad, trying to sort this fucking shit out.  AND SUCCESS!!  I CAN RECEIVE CALLS AGAIN!  however, said cell phone still has a battery life of only two hours.  so that’s on the to-do list now.  but hey, like I said, at least I can receive calls and voice mails.  (that’s right; people couldn’t even leave a fucking voice mail previously.)

I got two buddies of mine helping me amp up my PC.  I’ve got some great games on Steam that I can’t play, and it’s causing me distress.  details undecided, so updates pending.

 

bad habits + (hypo)manias

I’ve been good about the not drinking.  it’s still hard, as it’s my coping mechanism.  and not being on any goddamn antidepressants or anxiety meds, it’s making emotional/mental and stress management nigh impossible.  there have been days wherein I just go to bed at 7pm or so in attempts to no exist; often that works.  but other days, I’m too anxious to really be able to do that.  I typically trudge through the evening in those cases.  though on the rare occasion, I break down and have a few beers.

the cutting.  it’s legitimately returned.  it’s no longer a tease, a possibility.  it’s now a realistic option.  I haven’t gotten out of hand or terribly irresponsible with it.  however, bandages and scar tape are no longer under the sink, but now remain on top of the counter due to easy access for frequent usage.

I’m noticing other manic symptoms returning.  though my auditory hallucinations aren’t terrible yet, I believe they are returning.  as usually, it starts with just buzzing, beeping, screeching, or talking.  later it evolves.  I honestly do not typically get concerned until the next phase; rather, right now, I just observe.

but the counting, the washing, the cleaning, the arranging — all of my OCD tendencies are heightened.  I’m washing my hands unnecessarily.  I use hand sanitizer, wash my hands, then sanitize again in single session.  I’m counting things whose amounts I need not know.  I’m lining up and rearranging office supplies and furniture, both at home and at work.

and the patience.  I have none.  I want to stab Brian in his fucking eyeball with a rusty spoon everytime he flubs up, even just a little.  when Sean says something in passing that I can’t hear, I want to scream at him “STOP FUCKING MUTTERING!”  when a student asks a question, I’m fine; but when they disregard or criticize my solution or when the same person re-asks the fucking question, it’s all I can do to not kick them in the shin and then put their fingers in our paper cutter.

Thankfully, I rediscovered crying just before I got sick of hating things.  I call this emotion “crying” and not “sadness” because that’s all it really was. Just crying for the sake of crying.  My brain had partially learned how to be sad again, but it took the feeling out for a joy ride before it had learned how to use the brakes or steer.
~ Hyperbole and a Half

eventually, everything attempts to bring me to tears, even if I don’t actually really care.  a commercial, food, a comment, I just breakdown.  I think it’s just an overwhelming amount of emotions — stress, anger, sadness, mania, irritation, hopefulness, love, etc. — that are trying to get out, and fucking tears are the only way they can manage to get around my barriers.  Sean himself said something to the effect of how I don’t let myself feel things.  he’s all too accurate; and anyone who’s really known me for any length of time understands I’ve been like from the start, and I’ll probably always remain this way.





mindless number crunching

I’m a nerd.  in so many areas of life and interests, I’m a nerd.

foremost, I’m an English/literature dork.  I’m a librarian, for fuck’s sake, lol.  but I’m also a number nerd.  (which is great, because Brian is primarily a number guy and secondarily a language guy.)  I loved algebra and physics, I liked geometry, I enjoyed the bits of trig I learned, etc.  (except stat.  fuck statistics.)  the only portion of chemistry that I didn’t detest was stoichiometry (and even then, it was only the formula portions I could handle.)  so yeah, love numbers.

and I have OCD.  it manifests in many ways.  but I’ve learned to control it via tricks like tracking petty things, having certain things organized in a simple way, counting smaller collections, number crunching random shit, etc.

tangentially, my court date is tomorrow.  (hopefully, I’ll write up a separate entry with more details on that shortly.)  so I’m all of fucks stressed out and anxious.  I’m fighting off tears every thirty minutes, and I’m literally hiding from people so as to not have to interact with anyone.

soooooooo.  to assist in calming my nerves, I decided to do some number crunching on my lunch break.  DISCLAIMER:  I know this is not how weight and calories work.  I know this is not a reliable way to make a plan or something steady to base predictions of off.  rather, this is just me chilling the fuck out.  about a year ago, I made being approximately 125 lbs by this birthday my goal.  however, I got stuck in losing weight for a while around 170 lbs.  I have since lost ten of those pounds.  but I’ve been stuck yet again for several months around 160 lbs.  so, in an attempt to not stab anyone (myself included), I started calculating things.  and below is some of the random, unorganized results I acquired.  (NOTE:  since I’m just playing with numbers and not actually relying on them, much of the below is significantly rounded off.)  like seriously, this is just me de-stressing, not actually making a weight-loss or meal plan.


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