You do not have to be good.Wild Geese
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
by Mary Oliver
“ The virtue in most request is conformity. ”― Emerson
“ People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. ”― Joseph Campbell
Where do you find the most meaning in life and feel the most fully alive? Is there something you’d love to do but don’t because the world thinks it’s silly or worthless or wrong? Is there anything you do that you consider virtuous yet the world looks down on? How do you handle the tension?Continue reading
“The primary cause of disorder in ourselves is the seeking of reality promised by another.” ―Jiddu Krishnamurti
What is something you have or are pursuing, that other people say is worthwhile, but you haven’t found valuable? Do you continue to pursue it based on the promises of others?
I wouldn’t call it a “fascination” or “obsession”. it’s a relationship. it’s an unhealthy, symbiotic relationship that we have — the Darkness and me.
I’m starting to work out again, and I’ve been making good progress on my DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy) work. I’m cutting out snacking, and I’m going to start eating better. I have a really good job, my car is running fine, I’m starting to make a place in certain social circles, etc.
but I can feel It. It’s pulling me in, with It’s Beauty and Awe. I’m ready to stop eating complete, for example. the idea of embracing my eating disorders that I managed to subdue, it’s attractive. of going down some Darker paths of truths and ideals. mental images of me cutting are once again what I use to calm my nerves and focus my attention.
It’s warm and familiar and close. It wraps me up in a thick blanket of comfort and knowledge. It’s always there when I come back, in one form or another.
my musical taste, my reading preferences, my thoughts, desires, ideals, hopes — they’re all Darker. and not the “bad dark”, but the beautiful Darkness. the one that’s ever ready to hold you tight in Its arms, slowly suffocating you with Its comfort.
I suppose it’s potentially a romanticization of an aspect of depression. or it’s just me thinking only about the good times prior to my “getting better”. whatever it is, it’s real to me….
“Brian,” I called from the living room, gazing out the window, “what happened to the Outside?” I simply received a grumble in return. “no, I mean, is there anything still under all the white?”
this weekend, the Twin Cities and numerous of its surrounding areas were under Snow Storm Warning. so it wasn’t just that this southern girl was giddy with the snowfall of a winter in the north. even the locals were commenting and lamenting about the amount of frozen water that was coming from the sky and settling atop of everything.
and of course, I had an appointment that morning. thank the heavens it wasn’t a terribly far drive. but for as short as it was, it was greatly adventurous.
see, I had never driven in snow before. EVER. not even like, “oh, it was kinda snowing this one time.” I mean never.
and I was terrified.
it had been over two years since I was last driving at all, prior to just a few months ago. and now I’m going to have to drive in snow. dude, I still don’t even know how to properly dress for snow, much less drive in it.
but I did. and I survived. and others on the road and all of our cars survived. hell, even the curbs were unscathed.
for those of you who have never driven on snow before, imagine what you *think* driving on ice might be like. then throw in some mud, except that the mud sticks to your tires and that’s what give sit the icy, slick sensation.
I was more scared of driving it before I got in the car than once I was on the road sliding around. at that point, sure, I was still a little fearful; but it was also exciting and really interesting at the same time.
and again, no collision or curb checks, so all ended well.
now I just get to do that at least twice more every day for next four or five months.
it’s been a while, sorry.
things have been rough.
but I haven’t cut.
and I only relapsed on drinking once.
I had horribly nightmares Fri nite/Sat morn.
awoke with consuming self-hatred.
promised myself Saturday night, I would go to bed feeling accomplished and worth-while.
I’m depressed, hopeless, pathetic, a failure, a disappointment, and in a generally crappy mindset.
but this stupid sobriety app I have on my phone was all like, “congrats on day X of your sobriety.”
so I clicked it.
and I read a few of their little attempts-to-encourage-you-with-fluffy-bullshit.
but I did appreciate the one below.
so I’m sharing it.
Do You Need Permission to Feel Good
“I ‘shoulda’ done that… If only I ‘woulda’ done that…That ‘coulda’ happened, but didn’t…My mother in law, wife, children are a mess…I’m not as rich, good looking, fast enough as I expected…My license is suspended. I’m too fat, thin, and strange.” Even if you have failed at everything and life is not what you want it to be, you still do not have to be miserable or hopeless. The end of misery begins when you realize that you do not have to give yourself permission to feel good. In other words, you do not have to reach a certain standard to allow yourself to feel OK. Nevertheless, if you feel bad because of your using or drinking history, you need to change.
Say, “I’m not guilty, not ashamed today.” Forgive yourself and celebrate sobriety. Repeat the following five times: “Even if I totally fail in life, I unconditionally love and accept myself and God does too.” Then just do the next right thing.
shared via “SoberTool App”
// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\
there is something incredibly freeing about admitting you’re a fuckup and are horribly flawed, and in honestly just being true to yourself.
I already got some flack about my last post — the one about how I had to spend some time in jail. and there’s still a small part of me that is rather regretful I’ve decided to be so open about everything — the cutting, the jail, the being a general nutbag, etc. but after a fairly short moment of shame, that small fearful part of me is silenced by what I deem to be the Truth, to be Freedom.
I’ve always been the goody-two-shoes, perfectionist, over-achieving mother hen. I always put everyone else before myself and take on the role of the exhausted martyr, all the while trying to hide behind lies of how well I’ve got my shit together and how successful and productive and motivated I am.
well, I’m done.
they let me out of jail at 8am today (Thu) instead of 2pm tmrw. but 2pm to 8am the next morning gives a person a lot of time to think and to feel. I did a lot of the former; and I’m grateful very little of the latter occurred. nevertheless, some did. but it was okay. I didn’t shed a single tear, and the moments of self-hatred and despair were surprisingly fleeting.
instead, there was a calmness, a sense of … I dunno … not quite serenity, but most definitely a kind of peace.
I texted the following to one of my online besties:
I’m just in a very fuck-it-all-anyway mood these last two months. getting a part-time, low-paying retail job — “eh, oh well”. two days in jail — “eh, oh well”. stupid-ass AA meetings — “eh, oh well”. am just tired of fighting; but am so exhausted and worn out, am too tired to even really give up … ya know?
and I’m not gonna lie — not giving a fuck it very freeing. it’s that brick of Fear shoved right off your chest, and suddenly you can breathe and move again.
I didn’t bother hiding my scars at all in there. and I’ve been comfortable in short sleeves almost this entire trip. I don’t care what these other people think anymore. they don’t know my struggles, they don’t know my issues, and they don’t even know all of my successes.
so fuck ’em.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe
// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\