apparently I’m a “Social Liberalist”

I don’t do political shit on here often, just because politics and religion are messy topics and aren’t the purpose of my blog. however, I did find the below quiz self-informative and engaging.

8values dot github dot io

I, personally, think it’s pretty accurate.  and my guy Brian agrees.  my cat Zero has no opinion.

so there. now you know a little more about me. 🙂

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medication, relationships, and disassociations

oops.  so I’ve managed to not take my morning medications almost every day this week (my most important meds are my morning ones, of course).  also, I’ve forgotten my evening meds numerous times in the last two weeks.  however, I’ve been fairly good about my mid-day meds — naturally, because those are the least important of the three.  ~sighs~

I’ve been totally exhausted lately.  like, before my screwing up the taking of my meds.  that’s actually what led to my forgetting to take them.  over the weekend, I just got really, really tired.  then Monday morning, I sleep in until I absolutely have to wake up for work, and I forget to dope myself up while I rush getting ready.  and it just happens like that every morning for the rest of the week.  today included.

Brian called me while I was on my way to work because he noticed I forgot my meds.  I’d be late if I had turned around though.  and I just also didn’t give a fuck about going back to take them.  “it’s not like they’re doing much good anyway”, half-sleepy me told myself as I steered with one knee, guzzled an energy drink with one hand, and shoved eggs into my mouth with the other hand.  (the second knee was attached to the foot reserved for the gas and brake pedals.  I have to get creative whenever I need each a hand and a foot/knee/leg for the shifting and powering the clutch.)  so I just thanked him, and kept going away from home.

I’ve been frustrated with him for a day or so now.  he did tiny thing A that is a big thing to me, and I noticed I had an emotional response about it.  I did my best not to have an emotional reaction, and I only kinda succeeded.  but then I beat myself up for having emotions at all.  I typically get very angry at myself when and because I’m angry at him.  and of course, during all this, I don’t tell him shit, because I don’t want him to start feeling bad about having peeved me off.  but he inquired this morning, and I was just like, “let’s talk about this when I’m not running late for work, okay?”

second thing I really wanted to discuss here (venting about Brian kinda snuck in here, lol) is my disassociation qualities returning.  I’m getting “that feeling” again wherein I’m not Me.  I’m multiple peoples living in a single body, so take turns sharing the physical cage.  I “see” myself doing and saying things.  I’m over-analyzing my actions in a very particular way — not so much “objective” as it is disjointed and disconnected.

maybe it’s the lack of medication in my system.  maybe it’s the two energy drinks a day I take just to stay awake.  maybe it’s whatever started making me so tired over the weekend.

maybe it’s finally time for a Cycle change, and I’m going to go into a mania soon.  that would be a nice change of pace.  I haven’t had a proper (hypo-)mania in a while.  though I doubt it, given all the additional sleep I’ve been needing.

one thing I’m going to discuss at therapy is how I’m so Tired.  like, when she or my psychiatrist ask me about how this is going or what I feel about that, I just wanna look at them and say, “I don’t know. I’m too Tired to think about an analyze it.”  an me being too tired to analyze something — not a good sign.

I suppose that’s all for now.  I’m just really off kilter.  and because I don’t know the cause, I can’t even pretend to come up with a solution.

the skill of charisma

I think it’s really unfortunate how we’re not taught how to stremgthen pur charisma in school or daycare. we learn how to play nice and not misbehave. but we’re not instructed on how to really sell yourself, unless ypu actively seek out a business class of sorts. various scouts are good about providing these lessons. but not everyone is in such a program.

I swear my charisma is what got me my new job. I uncoothly inquired, albeit on topic and well-time, how many people applied to the position. they received over thirty resumes, twently of which were actually viable. the first rpund of interviews included twelve applicants. the second round was five. and then this cheese stood alone. I know there must have been at least a few of those folks who had the proper qualifications. as such, I am firmly convinced my charisma is what sold me to them. (to be fair, my charisma is badass.)

but for every job or opportunity I get as a result of my charisma, that’s one person who was more qualified or deserving of something who is going to have to go without.I feel a little guilty, honestly. butat the same time, charisma is a skill just like so many others that these jobs need to take into account. but still….

predictability of Self

one of the things I find myself hating the most about my particular combination of Crazies is that I never really know who I am going to be at any given moment.

Brian says that sleep “resets” him.  when he wakes the next day, his mood and minddset are typically returned to a realitively consistant state of normalacy.  and this reset happens most every time.

meanwhile, I don’t know who I am going to be sometimes from mere hour-to-hour — much less a whole fucking day later.

it makes planning hard and predictibility and consistency impossible.  I may schedulebto hang out with friends three days from now, only to wake and be absolutely horrified of the world and social interactions.

《~ posted via mobile device ~》

a2z: Juggling yourselves

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Juggling yourselves

 

I’m not talking about juggling balls and flaming pins and shit.  I’m referring to tending to the various roles you play in your life.

Stephen Covey is awesome.  his most popular book is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and it’s awesome.  other powerful pieces by him include First Things FirstThe 8th Habit, and Principle Centered Leadership.  his material isn’t so much “self-help” books as “self-empowerment” books.  he teaches you how to be a more productive person and a better leader, rather than how to love yourself better or find peace.  he suggests that the latter will come with an improved management of your life; but that’s not the focus.

anyway, in the first books I mentioned, he presents a seven-step process in which you can create a guideline of sorts for your life.  in step two, you learn how to define and approach goals in an efficient manner.  one thing he stresses in this step is understanding your various roles in your life.

many people have since then created their own approach as to how to create said list of roles.  but almost of all of them agree: Self must be first.  so a set of roles may look like the following:

  • Self (spiritual, mental, physical, etc.)
  • Wife/Husband
  • Mother/Father
  • Family Member (sister/brother, daughter/son, niece, uncle, etc.)
  • Employee
  • Friend
  • Community Volunteer (troop leader, etc.)
  • Hobbyist (singer, artist, etc.)
  • And so on

something that I’ve been doing recently is reconsidering my personal Roles.  I used to place Volunteer and X_Sterotype above roles such as Lover or Friend.  and we all know that I’ve  always place Self at the bottom.

having Sean come stay with us for a few weeks helped me understand how it’s not a bad thing to be self-focused.  just as I differentiate between “child-like” (innocence, fun, purity) and “childish” (immature, greedy, impatient, petty), there’s “selfish” and “self-centered”.  I mean, you can assign whatever exact terms you want to them — for example, is a “fag” a cigarette or a homosexual to you? –, it’s the idea that matters.  Sean taught me that sometimes I have to focus on keeping myself afloat before I can even consider tending to others.

so that’s something I think I need to ponder on more — what my different Roles currently are, which I want to keep or are necessary, and what’s each of their importance to me.

 

Juggling yourselves

a2z: Identity

I spent more of yesterday than I should have trying to decide about what to write for “I”.

I was trying really hard not to be super-depressive with this post (especially since “F”, “G”, and “H” were all gloomy), but was was rather difficult.  the first few “I” words that came to mind were “incarceration”, “indecisiveness”, “ignorance”, “issues”, “injuries”, “illusions”, “inmate”, “illegal”, “insane”, and “immoral”.  I wasn’t not a fan of any of them, of course.

so then I was pondered about the good “I” words — “imagination”, “independence”, “interdependence”,  “ingenuity”, “intelligence”, “Impala”, “Illuminati”.  but yesterday, I din’t have the energy to give any of those illustrious topics (see what I did there?) the deserved justice in writing about them.  hell, I was even all geared up to do a post about my being an INTP — but I wasn’t even sure how true that was anymore.

then it hit me, and so here we go:

 

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Identity

 

I’m not going into the philosophical concept of self, because that’s not with what I’m concerned.  I’m concerned about Identity of personality.

I used to have really bad insomnia (among other sleeping disorders).  I take medication now.  which means I sometimes can actually go to sleep within an hour of laying in bed; it also means that sometimes I can stay asleep for more than 45 minutes at a time.  but I also have a slight sleep phobia.  no really, I have a semi-irrational fear of sleeping.

well, I’m scared about waking, more accurately.  too often do I go to bed one person, and wake up someone else.

my bipolar, primarily when not medicated, is rapid-cycling.  which means in a set of days to even a mere few hours, my mood can drastically swing from one end of the spectrum to the other, with no obvious motivator.

in a study about the paradigms and perspective bipolar blokes had of themselves and the world, a conflict of self-identity was common:

The participants’ descriptions of themselves reflected self-definitions shaped by their mood and other aspects of their illness, leading to experiences of confusion. Mood was a defining characteristic of self with one participant describing himself in terms of different mood states.  […]  There was recognition that mood shifts lead to cognitive and behavioral changes which one participant experienced as: “Like I actually mentally change and think differently and act differently.” These different experiences of themselves resulted in a sense of confusion for the participants over who they really were. One participant described a struggle between mood and personality: “Like I actually don’t know who I am. There’s a few kind of core things, but it’s almost like my personality was grappling with my mood.”  Additionally, confusion arose for the participants in trying to differentiate themselves from their illness: “So, I’m not sure if that was the mania or if that was just me.”  [1]

I’m scared to go to sleep some nights, because I don’t know who I’ll be in the morning.  will I be James the Greatest, the loud boisterous manic lass who gets a lot of shit done?  or will I be a timid, depressive form of myself, hiding in the shadows and along the crevices of the walls hoping no one notices me so I can just disappear?  will I be bored because I’ve made no grand plans for the day ahead?  or will I be overwhelmed because I have a job and friends?

and how am I going to fuck it up?  will I be so manic that I get multiple speeding tickets and make promises I can’t keep?  or will I fail at my required tasks and get myself in line for another day of fussing at work in a week or two?

if I don’t go to sleep, it’s easier to know who I am.  I can kinda tell as I change in a given moment.  well, kinda.

maybe not.

maybe I’ll never really know who I’ll ever be.

ever…?

 

Identity

 

 

Sources:

1] Inder, ML, et al.  “‘I Actually Don’t Know Who I Am’: The Impact Of Bipolar Disorder On The Development Of Self”.  Psychiatry: Interpersonal & Biological Processes 71.2 (Jun. 1, 2008): 123-133.  CINAHL Plus with Full Text.  Web.  Apr. 22, 2015.

a2z: Ffff

 

I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t decide.  I started this entry several times, focusing on different words and concepts each time.  the letter “F” has a lot of personal meaning to me.  it’s been literally carved into my skin more times than I can count.  there is no mere single word I can choose.  (not even “fuck”, lol.)

so instead, we’re doing this….

 

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Ffff

 

Feelings:  i am overwhelmed with these emotions and reactions that i cannot seem to control, do not seem to understand.
i feel it all. / numb to nothing, / i feel it all. / standing in my own, / cut and bleeding, / i feel it all.

Freedom:  this often causes me to feel like i’m trapped in my life, in this shell and these expectations.
some days aren’t yours at all. / they come and go / as if they’re someone else’s days. / they come and leave you behind someone else’s face, / and it’s harsher than yours / and colder than yours.

Flee:  i want to escape the barriers of this existence, the pain inside my mind.
i was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. / but heaven knows I’m miserable now. / “you’ve been the house too long,” she said. / and i naturally fled.

Forget:  i want to let go of my past and start anew.
sometimes i remember the darkness of my past / bringing back these memories i wish i didn’t have. / sometimes i think of letting go and never looking back, / and never moving forward so there’d never be a past.

Force:  i want to be stronger and move on, to improve and change.
reckon i’ll close the door, / pull down the curtains, stay close to the floor. / mercy is for the weak; we do not train to be merciful here. / mercy is everything I fear; we do not train to see His mercy here.

Future:  but i’m terrified of what lies ahead.
in the wastelands of today — / when tomorrow disappears, / when the Future slips away, / and your hope turns into fear / in the wastelands of today.

Fear:  this apprehension and anxiety controls so much of me, so many of my decisions; and it keeps me trapped.
time is shorter than you know. / i know the light is blinding to the naked eye. / so why don’t you take steps away from being alone? / i swear, it’s not too late for you. / so come on down, / what are you so afraid of?

Failure:  because I know i’ll just fuck something up again; i know that i’ll never be “good enough” for myself.
and i will be someone i admire. / and it’s funny how i imagined / that i could be that person now. / but that’s not what i want; / but that’s what i wanted. / and i’d be giving up somehow. / how strange to see / that i don’t wanna be the person that i want to be.

Fake:  but I try anyway; i pretend, and most people buy it.
but you’ll fight, and you’ll make it through. / you’ll Fake it if you have to. / and you’ll show up for work with a smile. / you’ll be better, you’ll be smarter, / and more grown up, and a better daughter.

Family:  even the ones i love the most believe the lies that i’m okay and i’ll make it out alright.
i cannot / run from my Family. / they’re hiding inside me, / corpses on ice. / come in if you’d like. / but just don’t tell my Family; / they’d never Forgive me. / they say that I’m crazy.

Following instructions:  that i’m a good girl, that i am responsible, and that i do as i should.
but lately you’ve been painting on the walls / with a black fire you lit, / and it’s a lie, / and i hate it. / but still you think it’s you, / so you keep it.

Fuck-up:  but none of these facades will change what i truely am.
but i’m / nothing special. I’m / not unique. I / have many secrets, and I / eat the weak.

Falling:  and i know i will continue on in this downward spiral of self-hate and disappoint.
you are the wind, the flood, and the flame. / nothing here can get in your way. / you’ve come too far to care what they say. / now you’re the only thing in your way.

Fly away:  until i finally just quit…
the pills, the windowsill, / razor blade, great escape. / so lonely, the feeling, / the slipping, the bleeding. / good lord, where are you found?

 

Ffff