back to business

after Tough Mudder, Brian and I got sick (he’s still struggling with his ear infection); shortly after that, I hurt my shoulder somehow.  and then for at least a month before all that, my car was constantly in and out of the shop for one reason or another.

well, things are finally starting to settle down.  I’m going back to 9Round (my cardio kickboxing classes) as of yesterday.  I’m eating more healthily and am tracking it again (with the exception of chewing gum).  I’m starting back on my Duolingo to re-learn Spanish for work.  I’m getting up and going to bed at somewhat regular times.  et cetera, et cetera.

which is good.  because my weight and fitness are horrid at this point.  I’m only twenty pounds lighter than my boyfriend who is over six inches taller than me and has a stockier build.  twenty pounds — that’s all.  that’s not enough.  I’ve really let myself go.

I snack too much, for one thing.  I used to either have dinner or snack, not both.  I need to get back into that system.  or into something.  I just need to do better.

I finally got around to doing chores at the apartment.  it had been at least two weeks since it really got the attention it needed, due to our being so ill and icky.  but this past weekend, we both did a lot of chores.  (thank you, Brian!)

I’m hoping (as ever) to get onto a blogging schedule.  it’s just hard with my life schedule changing so much.

I need to do some creative writing.  I haven’t done that in ages.  because I know I suck at it these days — and I hate doing things at which I’m no good.

work’s okay.  ups and downs.  almost done finding a bunch of bookkeeping and client-balance errors, which has been my big personal project.  when I thanked one of the attorneys (the one is not either partner), he thanked me in return because apparently none of the Office Managers before me ever bothered to sort this stuff out.  so that made me feel competent.  🙂

I suppose that’s it for now.  I have one more big piece of news, but there are pictures that go with it that I don’t have access to at the moment.  so we’ll hold off on that update for a little bit…

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I think It’s coming back

I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned.  and I have caloric goals included.  well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit.  so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell.  well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons.  so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup.  shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.

I was Done.

Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made.  I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one.  but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me.  so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore.  and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.

so that’s what happened here — I was just Done.  so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep.  I didn’t eat anything.  this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal.  I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.

when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner.  that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight.  but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat.  so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.

so I’m going to try no lunches.  people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time.  so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.

yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.

I forgot how great it felt to really control something again.  I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat.  I’m going to get my ropes back.  and I’m stoked.

there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me.  I always feel lighter when I skip meals.  my insides are more vacant, they’re airy.  I walk lighter; I almost float.  I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no.  and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving.  again, I am in control.

so yeah, I think It’s coming back.  that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.

I have to be careful, though.  I can’t let It take the control as it once did.  I have to remain in charge.  I have to guide It to a happy medium between us.  and I really think I can; honestly.

Nerd Fitness Challenge Goals

I used to participate in Nerd Fitness Challenges every seven weeks.  I have been doing that for years.  since moving up here, however, I’ve stopped.  I tried a few times, and failed.  well, I’m trying again.

below is my write-up of my Goals for this Challenge.

and if you want to know more about what Nerd Fitness and its community is, please feel free to ask!  😀

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physical health mini check-in

I’ve been feeling a little weak these last few … well, weeks.  at first, I wrote it off to being on my period.  but my increased dizziness and appendage instability has persisted.  I’m left wondering just what it is.  hopefully it’ll pass soon, as I’m scheduled to donate blood on Saturday.  so we’ll see.

I’m eating well enough, I believe.  some days I could stand to have a little more meat or protein, but that shall always be the case for people with anemia.  I have at least two meals every day, usually three.  and it’s healthy meals, often paleo-influenced if not strict.  I’m not a sodas or sweets person.

maybe it’s the sunflower seeds.  due to the amount of fat and calories in them, and to just how many I’d consume in a single sitting, I’ve stopped purchasing them.  I think that’s from where I would get most of my protein, lol.  so perhaps that’s where a deficit has been created.

my ED is still ever-present.  by eating lower calorie foods — again, such as the salads –, my ED is noisy, but not pushy.  it understands that we have to find a balance of eating healthy and eating poorly (or not eating at all, as the case may be).

I haven’t had any alcohol for almost two weeks now.  I’m noticing that that, combined with limiting what I eat, is resulting is very minor weight loss. #NoShitSherlock  though I’m not sure how long we’ll keep this up, it’s very nice while it lasts.

I haven’t been working out. at all.  that’s been really sucky.  I’ve just been so tired or exhausted each morning.  and then most days, I get home from work too late.  but there’s this really awesome 5k that takes place in October that I want to do.  and another in July.  last time I had something for which I was specially training, I was so fucking committed.  this loose-ended “eventual” stuff doesn’t work for me.  even picking arbitrary goal dates doesn’t work.  an event forces my hand.  so maybe I’ll sign up to one (or both), and go from there.

mental status

I need to copy all these posts I’m making to her from my cell onto my LiveJournal and DreamWidth accounts. meh.

so. how has the Feelings-portion of my Brain been lately? shitty.

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a2z: Adrenaline

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Adrenaline

 

I’m an adrenaline junkie, hardcore.  I love speed, heights, danger, fear, excitement, power, shocks, et cetera.  if my heart’s not pounding, I’m probably slightly to heavily bored.

I think this is one reason I’m always getting myself into so much trouble.  not just in the area of “seeking out risky situations” or “carrying out risky behaviours” as many works will attribute to a person’s being bipolar.  rather, it keeps me stressed and tense too.

I have a day off of work.  well obviously instead of resting, I should fill it with something exciting.
I have a new project to start working on?  I’ll dive right into it until it becomes too easy; then I’ll stop and wait until the last minute so that I have to dramatically push through it quickly.

and I’m serious about being passionate about these things.  for example, anyone who knows me IRL is aware of just how insanely fucked up my nerves are.  I jump and am startled by the slightest thing.  I’ll be just typing on my computer, not even with headphones on; my friends enters the office behind me and when he starts to speak, I freak the fuck out.  yet I will seek out the most intense and frightening horror flicks I can find, and I’ll go to as many scare trails as I can during the Halloween season.

I always have the top bunk.  I’ve got to ride the tallest and most topsy-turvy ride at every amusement park.  the higher the floor of an office or hotel, the better.  can I reach the roof of a building? I don’t know, but I’m gonna at least try my damnedest.

75 mph is so slow.  I’ve topped 115 in my vehicle before.  speeding downhill on a bicycle is both exhilarating and freeing.  I’m impatient and impulsive.  let’s do it now, not later.  let’s do it fast, not slow.  let’s be intense, not mild.

but that means that when things are slow, calm, low, or sedentary, I lose my shit.  I get bored.  and I don’t deal with boredom well.  after a while, the boredom leads to anxiousness.  and the anxiousness increases and inbreeds and I turn into a psycho freaked out monster.  then even a high fix won’t help.  I just break; I fritz out.

it means that I struggle to appreciate quiet beauty.  lying with bed with Brian just cuddling — I wonder why we’re not playing a video game or at least reading.  I can’t sit still an wait on a bus, enjoying the gorgeous weather; instead I’m pacing and anxious because I have nothing with which to occupy my dangerous mind.

and I think that’s where much of it comes from: my untethered Mind.  when my Body gets quiet, my Mind gets loud.  and then I can’t function properly.  I start over-thinking and -analyzing.  I start freaking myself out over all sorts of horrible things.  depending on the phase of my bipolar and on other factors, I can go in many directions.  depressed — I focus on how much of a fuckup I am.  manic — I start to hallucinate further and have grand ideas, sometimes even carrying them out.  if my to-do list and schedule are clear, I spaz because obviously I’ve forgotten about some very important event or task or obligation and am neglecting it.  or if my plate is full and I’m not busy working to clear it off, I get overwhelmed and panic.

when I’m not in High Gear, my treacherous Mind self-annihilates.  and then I just break completely.

 

Adrenaline

Choose Your Own Adventure

*ring ring ring*

JAMES:  *picks up phone*  “SLCC Library, James Parker speaking.”

BRIAN:  “it’s Brian.”

JAMES:  “hey.  what’s up?”

BRIAN: “you have your chiropractor appointment today, right?”

JAMES:  “yeah.  why?”

BRIAN: “that means we can’t have lunch today?”

…….

 

WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED

JAMES:  “well, actually, we get to leave early.  so I’ll have enough time for lunch and still be able to run my errands and go to the chiropractor before my meeting.”

*Brian and James have a wonderful lunch together*

 

WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED

JAMES:  “well, I have time.  but I’m really trying to keep my caloric intake low today, since I’ll be binging for Thanksgiving.  what did you have in mind?”

*Brian and James discuss possibilities for low-calorie lunches; they enjoy themselves*

 

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

JAMES:  “no, I guess not.”

BRIAN:  “oh, okay.”

JAMES:  “yeah.”

*awkward silence over the phone*

BRIAN:  “okay, well, I’ll see you later.”

JAMES:  “yeah, later.”

*James gets off work early and has to create excuses to keep avoiding lunch with Brian until her appointment; she experiences guilt and shame and hunger all day*