blub blub…

I have 64 words for NaNo so far.  and that’s all just from editing and adding words to older work.  none of it is totally fresh content.  because I have no fresh content in my brain.  I can’t think.  I’m too tired all the time.  I either have something else scheduled at the time, or I don’t have something else scheduled and therein opt to just sleep.

I almost made it to kickboxing this morning.  I got dressed and packed up.  I was fighting off a breakdown the whole time.  then, when it was time to put on shoes and go out the door, I just cracked.  I started bawling.  by the time I gathered myself enough to leave, it was too late and would cause me to be truant.  so I cried all over again.  then Brian eventually coerced me into going to the apartment’s gym and just walking on the treadmill at a stroll for 15 minutes.  and then I tucked my tail between my legs as I shuffled back to the apartment, defeated.  he congratulated and said he was proud of me.  he reiterated that “something is better than nothing”.  but all I could think of is how “a lot is more than something”.

I was legit tardy to work yesterday.  I couldn’t wake up; I couldn’t function.  I was so fatigued, it was beyond words.  and it’s not like I stayed up late on Sunday or anything.  maybe it was the time change Sunday morning.  maybe it’s just my body shutting down.  but it caused me to be late to a point of disciplinary action.  I mean, it’s just earning points towards a larger avoidable balance (think golf).  but hey, any points is more than no points.  and I got some points for being truant yesterday.  ugh.

I’m really falling apart.  I don’t know how to keep above water, much less start actually swimming again.

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running out of Spoons

I have no Spoons.  I’m exhausted, and I have no interest in anything.

just three or so days ago, I was elated with how awesome my life was turning out.  things were really on the upswing.

and now, I’m back down at the bottom, barely able to stay above water.

I guess that’s bipolar for ya.  rapid cycling is a bitch.  not only are the ups and downs are in and of themselves, but they are fucking exhausting just as they are.  you don’t need to throw in the depression and apathy or the risky behaviour and police collisions.  just the up and down alone is enough to cause a person to fall flat on the floor and never move again.

I can’t do this Adult thing.  I’m running out of Spoons to even do this Human thing.  I really want to just curl up on the floor in a sunspot and take a nap.

my eating disorder is getting loud again.  I’m skipping meals more often, and I’m pigging out more often too.  I don’t know how best to approach the whole thing at this point.  I really think I’m going to go back to making sandwiches and keeping my life simple for a while.  I don’t have the Spoons to spare to worry about something be paleo or high in carbs or having too much sugar.  I just don’t.

back to business

after Tough Mudder, Brian and I got sick (he’s still struggling with his ear infection); shortly after that, I hurt my shoulder somehow.  and then for at least a month before all that, my car was constantly in and out of the shop for one reason or another.

well, things are finally starting to settle down.  I’m going back to 9Round (my cardio kickboxing classes) as of yesterday.  I’m eating more healthily and am tracking it again (with the exception of chewing gum).  I’m starting back on my Duolingo to re-learn Spanish for work.  I’m getting up and going to bed at somewhat regular times.  et cetera, et cetera.

which is good.  because my weight and fitness are horrid at this point.  I’m only twenty pounds lighter than my boyfriend who is over six inches taller than me and has a stockier build.  twenty pounds — that’s all.  that’s not enough.  I’ve really let myself go.

I snack too much, for one thing.  I used to either have dinner or snack, not both.  I need to get back into that system.  or into something.  I just need to do better.

I finally got around to doing chores at the apartment.  it had been at least two weeks since it really got the attention it needed, due to our being so ill and icky.  but this past weekend, we both did a lot of chores.  (thank you, Brian!)

I’m hoping (as ever) to get onto a blogging schedule.  it’s just hard with my life schedule changing so much.

I need to do some creative writing.  I haven’t done that in ages.  because I know I suck at it these days — and I hate doing things at which I’m no good.

work’s okay.  ups and downs.  almost done finding a bunch of bookkeeping and client-balance errors, which has been my big personal project.  when I thanked one of the attorneys (the one is not either partner), he thanked me in return because apparently none of the Office Managers before me ever bothered to sort this stuff out.  so that made me feel competent.  🙂

I suppose that’s it for now.  I have one more big piece of news, but there are pictures that go with it that I don’t have access to at the moment.  so we’ll hold off on that update for a little bit…

Tough Mudder

I survived Tough Mudder!!  within this hour exactly one week ago, I started a 5-mile (8.05k) job that included 13 different military grade obstacles — and I obviously survived.  It was legit testing, y’all.  sure, a few years back on a Zombie Run, there was a time I needed to stop and catch my breath, and I decided to just let them take my flags if they wanted; didn’t matter, I needed to breathe.  but this was different.  this was legit mentally and emotionally challenging.  I was concerned I wasn’t going to be able to do certain obstacles, or that I would greatly injure myself in a n attempt.  I questioned my very decision of being there, or having signed up for this.  and then I went all existential and questioned so many other decisions in my life, including the move and the job acquisition.  but I just paused, recollected myself, and moved on to the next challenge.

and I completed it.  it seems like I should be more proud than I am.  I don’t hang out with or talk to fitness people anymore, so no one really understand the magnitude of difficulty that is the Tough Mudder.  normal adventure runs are a joke compared to this (I don’t mean to down those 5ks; I still love ’em!!).  but I don’t feel proud.  I’m disappointed in myself, that it was as difficult as it was for me.  that I didn’t prepare better.  that I didn’t perform better.  I’m disappointed at how it wasn’t as amazing as it should have been (as is related to things within my power, not the organization).

I suppose that’s the pessimist in me, the cynic.  the hyper-self-critical perfectionist.  but I don’t know how to change that about myself.  I suppose this is something I should bring up in therapy.

Nerd Fitness Challenge Goals

I used to participate in Nerd Fitness Challenges every seven weeks.  I have been doing that for years.  since moving up here, however, I’ve stopped.  I tried a few times, and failed.  well, I’m trying again.

below is my write-up of my Goals for this Challenge.

and if you want to know more about what Nerd Fitness and its community is, please feel free to ask!  😀

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what the fuck have I done?

Brian and I have done it.  we’re committed.  July 15th, this year.  only three months away.

….we’ve signed up for Tough Mudder.

and I’m going to die.


Tough Mudder is like those adventure runs that I used to do all the time, except in Hard Mode.  it’s not so much a race as much as it is an obstacle course.

Tough Mudder is 10-12 miles of mud and 20+ obstacles designed to drag you out of your comfort zone. […]  With no podiums, winners, or clocks to race against, Tough Mudder isn’t about how fast you can cross the finish line. It’s about pushing yourself. It’s about teamwork, camaraderie, and accomplishing something extraordinary.

Brian is doing the 10 mile course with 20+ obstacles.  I’m only doing the 5 mile with 13 obstacles.  I’m not at a point where I could handle the 10 miles.  (though next year/time, I aim to be.  >:D )

all of this means I have to start working out again.  and I started this morning.  it means I have to workout every day, no matter what.  no excuses.  no wimping out.  even if it’s just a brisk walk outside for a few minutes, I have to do something.

the Tough Mudder website has a three-month workout program designed to help get you ready.  it’s a lot of circuit training and HITT — because that’s that kind of fitness I’ll need for the course.  and honestly, that’s the kind of fitness I want overall.  I want to be able to do bursts of stuff.  I don’t need long endurance.  and HITT is easier to change things up so I don’t get so bored as quickly.

that’s all for now.  I wish I could write a more concise and stream-lined post about it, but my brain is all over the place.  I wanted to at least get it out there that we’re doing this.  so that in the future, when I’m groaning about my workouts, you’ll know why.  😉

physical health mini check-in

I’ve been feeling a little weak these last few … well, weeks.  at first, I wrote it off to being on my period.  but my increased dizziness and appendage instability has persisted.  I’m left wondering just what it is.  hopefully it’ll pass soon, as I’m scheduled to donate blood on Saturday.  so we’ll see.

I’m eating well enough, I believe.  some days I could stand to have a little more meat or protein, but that shall always be the case for people with anemia.  I have at least two meals every day, usually three.  and it’s healthy meals, often paleo-influenced if not strict.  I’m not a sodas or sweets person.

maybe it’s the sunflower seeds.  due to the amount of fat and calories in them, and to just how many I’d consume in a single sitting, I’ve stopped purchasing them.  I think that’s from where I would get most of my protein, lol.  so perhaps that’s where a deficit has been created.

my ED is still ever-present.  by eating lower calorie foods — again, such as the salads –, my ED is noisy, but not pushy.  it understands that we have to find a balance of eating healthy and eating poorly (or not eating at all, as the case may be).

I haven’t had any alcohol for almost two weeks now.  I’m noticing that that, combined with limiting what I eat, is resulting is very minor weight loss. #NoShitSherlock  though I’m not sure how long we’ll keep this up, it’s very nice while it lasts.

I haven’t been working out. at all.  that’s been really sucky.  I’ve just been so tired or exhausted each morning.  and then most days, I get home from work too late.  but there’s this really awesome 5k that takes place in October that I want to do.  and another in July.  last time I had something for which I was specially training, I was so fucking committed.  this loose-ended “eventual” stuff doesn’t work for me.  even picking arbitrary goal dates doesn’t work.  an event forces my hand.  so maybe I’ll sign up to one (or both), and go from there.