I have 64 words for NaNo so far. and that’s all just from editing and adding words to older work. none of it is totally fresh content. because I have no fresh content in my brain. I can’t think. I’m too tired all the time. I either have something else scheduled at the time, or I don’t have something else scheduled and therein opt to just sleep.
I almost made it to kickboxing this morning. I got dressed and packed up. I was fighting off a breakdown the whole time. then, when it was time to put on shoes and go out the door, I just cracked. I started bawling. by the time I gathered myself enough to leave, it was too late and would cause me to be truant. so I cried all over again. then Brian eventually coerced me into going to the apartment’s gym and just walking on the treadmill at a stroll for 15 minutes. and then I tucked my tail between my legs as I shuffled back to the apartment, defeated. he congratulated and said he was proud of me. he reiterated that “something is better than nothing”. but all I could think of is how “a lot is more than something”.
I was legit tardy to work yesterday. I couldn’t wake up; I couldn’t function. I was so fatigued, it was beyond words. and it’s not like I stayed up late on Sunday or anything. maybe it was the time change Sunday morning. maybe it’s just my body shutting down. but it caused me to be late to a point of disciplinary action. I mean, it’s just earning points towards a larger avoidable balance (think golf). but hey, any points is more than no points. and I got some points for being truant yesterday. ugh.
I’m really falling apart. I don’t know how to keep above water, much less start actually swimming again.