woah, just how long has it been?

yikes, y’all. it seems my last post was in mid-Feb? I didn’t mean to disappear on you. my Depression just really KO’d me for a while.

as it’s been so long since I’ve really discussed anything, we’ll just do a quick overview of things.

˜”*°• ᴡᴇ ᴇꜱᴄᴀᴘᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴏᴛ-ꜱᴏ-ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ ɴᴏʀᴛʜ •°*”˜

March 23rd is basically the date that we GTFO of Minnesota. so yes, we’re back in Louisiana.

just in time for all the festivals to kick off! 😀 ……oh, wait — Covid-19. thanks.

anyway. we are back in Louisiana. so far, we’ve seen my parents, my brother and his now wife (like WTF, y’all?!? good for him, but it’s WILD to think about Tiger being fucking married, lol), my parents (stayed with them for two months; more on that later), Brian’s dad Mr. Mike and step-mom Mrs Brenda (staying with them now; again, more later), Jenna and Brandon, Sheila, and Mr Terry.

we’ll have a huge shindig (probably at The Swamp) once this pandemic lifts some. I’ve got asthma (which is flaring up like a muthafucka’ down here), so I’m technically at risk, and Brian is a straight-laced rule worshiper (lol!) — as such, we haven’t really been seeing anyone or going anywhere.

˜”*°• ᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟ/ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ʜᴇᴀʟᴛʜ •°*”˜

I was off of my antidepressants for a week, while still being on fucking 1200 mg of lithium a day. y’all, not a good mix. Louisiana mental health care is ASS. I called Tyler Mental Health in mid-April (I got on getting my crazy doctors in line immediately), and they just scheduled my appointment at the end of May — for fucking July 13th. what. the. shit.

however, I talked to this one worker who seems to really want to help and explained to her I know me, and I need antidepressants. so she talked to the doc I’ll have and got me hooked up with 5mg of Abilify. not much, but better than nothing.

meanwhile, I dropped my lithium dosage by one-fourth. I’m feeling much better already. sure, I’m still really depressed. but the depression is more in the “lower-case” sense than the “capital Depressed” that I was just a few days back. it’s radically different.

˜”*°• ᴄᴀʟᴏʀɪᴄ ᴄᴏɴꜱᴜᴍᴘᴛɪᴏɴ (ꜰᴏᴏᴅ) •°*”˜

my eating disorder is … let’s just say not the best right now. I’m struggling really fucking hard. it sucks, because we were going to get me seeing someone up in Minnesota. that happened right as the whole necessary relocation started. and of course it’s getting worse with my ever-growing stressors.

I’m trying to keep my behaviour reasonable — each once in a while, don’t fast for too long, not all calories are equal, balancing eating less and eating healthy, et cetera. but it’s hard when the Noise in your head is so Loud.

that’s been my social outlet, however. this online community I’ve been a part of for a while. one of those demonized “pro-ana” forums. I mean, define “pro-ana”. most definitions of that do not fit my community. heh, though a little does. anyway. it’s been my social connection.

back to the food. I’m working on ADF (Alternate Day Fasting): fast MWF, eat TRAU. we’ll see how that works out.

˜”*°• ᴄᴀʟᴏʀɪᴄ ᴇxᴘᴇɴᴅɪᴛᴜʀᴇ (ꜰɪᴛɴᴇꜱꜱ) •°*”˜

I’m trying to get back into working out regularly. I’m still using body-weight, dumbbells, and my bicycle.

I’m supposed to do the following (debilitating depression and chronic pain allowing):

  • every day
    • 30-40 minutes (~ 5 mi) of cycling in town
  • Mon, Thu
    • 10 minutes of warm-ups
    • upper-body weight-lifting
      • push-ups
      • bicep curls
      • bent-over rows
    • 5-7 minutes of stretching cool-downs
  • Thu, Fri
    • 10 minutes of warm-ups
    • lower-body weight-lifting
      • squats
      • straight-leg deadlifts
      • calf raises
    • 5-7 minutes of stretching cool-downs
  • Wed, Sat
    • 10 minutes of warm-ups
    • misc. weight-lifting
      • mountain climbers
      • tensor curls
      • flexor curls
      • donkey kicks
    • 5-7 minutes of stretching cool-downs
  • Sun:
    • rest
    • bike only

I’m not all that great at keeping to it right now. again: chronic pain, debilitating depression, the stress of the re-move, the pandemic, the unemployed-ness, et cetera. it’s difficult.

˜”*°• ʜᴏᴍᴇ ʟɪꜰᴇ •°*”˜

Brian, Zero, and I stayed at The Swamp for about two months. that was … challenging. but we survived. and they mean well. but they have some unchecked issues. and my PTSD symptoms flared up pretty hard a few times. nothing major, but it’s just not worth it.

speaking of Pool House, things are better now that we’re here. it was a rocky move, but it’s the overall better decision to be here.

we just got Zero today. he’s wandering around exploring. he seems fine enough.
he has a lot of experience moving, lol. poor baby. I’m no good at staying at the same home or job for very long.

˜”*°• ᴊᴏʙꜱ & ꜰɪɴᴀɴᴄᴇꜱ •°*”˜

and on the topic of jobs, I’ll be resuming my search very soon. we allowed me to paused it while I was having my major depressive spell. but as that seems to be lessening, I’ll be on the hunt once more.

we are waiting on the dongle for Brian’s PC (it doesn’t have wifi like mine), so his hunt is on hold too. in theory, Dad’s actually driving it to us (with my bike) as I type this. 🙂

˜”*°• ʜᴏʙʙɪᴇꜱ & ꜰᴜɴ •°*”˜

Brian is still running the Elemental Evils D&D campaign for my n00b mom, his semi-inexperienced brother, and myself. he’s about to run the Acquisitions Incorporated D&D campaign (in place of my Supernatural Cortex one I dropped — yay Depression!). meanwhile, he’s talking about my running a pre-made duet campaign for him. (his being able to play was the main reason I was going to run Supernatural again.) so we’ll see how that goes.

otherwise, I haven’t really had any hobbies weren’t sleeping all day and being depressed, lol.

2019-Q4 Review

as many of you may know, I do a personal Quarterly Review every three month. the most recent one was eight pages and quite in-depth. don’t worry! I’m not just copy-pasting it here, as that’s a lot to read. (also privacy reasons, lol.) instead, I’ll create some groups/categories and summarize my shit in there.

Fitness/Health

I’ve been so-so with this one. I’ve been going to my various physical and emotional/mental doctors as directed and took all my pills as prescribed. probably once every two to three weeks, I’d forget a single dose. though this was true for most of 2019, I just wanted to point it out, as that’s leaps and bounds above where I used to be — mostly thanks to Brian.

to those wondering (and who even knew), I’m still sober. meanwhile, to those out of the loop, I stopped drinking back in August 2018. it’s actually been a lot smoother ride than I thought it would have been. so yay, something was “easy” in my life for once!!

weight-wise, things went on a pleasant downhill. on the morning of 10/01/2019, I was 175 lbs (35.4% body fat). then as of the morning of 01/01/2020, I was 166.2 lbs (33.6%). in 13 weeks and 1 day (or 92 days total), I lost 8.8 lbs– an average of 0.67 lbs per week (or 0.10 lbs a day). I’m okay with that. a lot of generic or online programs have you choose between losing 0.5 or 1.0 lbs a week, so 0.67 lbs a week is just fine by me. 😀 ….sorry, went a little OCD with the numbers there, lol.

anyway, I think things overall were good.

Team Ow

nothing much stood out here. Team Ow (Brian, James, and Zero) are doing fine as a team/unit.

the end of this Quarter found Brian and I being together for 9 years, 5 months, and 12 days — which, OMG. how has someone put up with my crap for so long … by choice?! and then how did I not get bored with the same human yet? wtf.

meanwhile, it found Zero at an age of 10 years, 3 months, and 7 days. mah ol’ man. XD but he’s still as freakin’ spry as ever. like, annoyingly so, lol.

Family

boy, this is a fun one.

as some of you know — my father became somewhat paralyzed in his right side and had to have emergency brain surgery to drain out the bleeding on both sides of his head. O_O and he apparently had one of the best brain surgery recoveries the workers on hand had seen. by the next day, he was already moving things again. so thanks to whatever Power helped us out there — even if it was just my father’s pure stubbornness.

some other family member attempted suicide right around the same time. that was … difficult. but honestly, not as much as Dad’s stuff.

other than that, family is all about the same.

Friends and Folk in Louisiana

we went home in July for two main reasons — 1] Sheila and Will were finally getting married; and 2] Brian’s grandmother’s 90th birthday bash might be the last family gathering they’d have. meanwhile, we had scheduled a shindig for while down there to see all our other folk.

AND THEN FREAKIN’ HURRICANE BARRY HIT. like, wtf. the birthday party was cancelled, the wedding was moved (to a day in which I could not attend), and our shindig was somewhat brief. seriously, what. the. fuck.

Writing, D&D, and Other Hobbies

I didn’t do NaNo this year. that was right after my dad’s surgery and some other shit, so it was just a really bad time. I really did not write much. I hope planned efforts for 2020-Q1 will change that pattern.

Brian continued running D&D for his brother, my mum, and me. I started looking into running Nobilis for Brian, Mum, and Daminelle; though nothing has actively come of that yet.

meta knowledge, but we finally sent out 2019 Holiday Cards … in the middle of January 2020. D: oi vey. we were not timely this year, lol. anyway. in the cards was an unnecessarily lengthy yet somehow still brief recap of our year. we kept busy!!

meanwhile, I’ve once again become a go-to pet- and house-sitter. that really makes me happy. I enjoy doing it. I love meeting all the critters. I like seeing new homes. oh, and helping people and/or getting paid, food, and/or gifts ain’t that bad either, lol.

Employment

as a reminder, back in July I had left the law firm and started as the Executive Admin Asst for the CEO of a single-family investment firm. still trucking along there. it’s just temp work, but I continue to enjoy it.

A Few Questions

and now, a few recap’ing questions. overall…

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Well?

Christmas went well. we went to a friend’s place for the first time (was also the first time we weren’t alone up here for Christmas) and played a new game that Mum and Dad just got us.

legit, Dad healing up as quickly as he did was awesome!

What Are Some Things That Went or Turned Out Poorly?

the investment firm informed me they wanted me to stay on as temp worker instead of moving into a permanent salary role. that really sucked.

To What Am I Looking Forward about 2020-Q1?

I keep crossing my fingers about our getting out of the frigid north, lol.

winter is also on the decline by this point. yay!!

alive-ish

hello, hello.  I’m still up and running — albeit, barely.  so here’s an update on my life recently.

Employment

work at the law firm is going the same as usual.  I feel like I should be doing a better job at everything.  but then I don’t have the energy to go above-and-beyond as I normally do.  so I just sit and mope.

the fun story about my recent employment is how I worked security for the Super Bowl this past weekend.  I was outside for over 17 hours in the freezing cold with minimal breaks.  I did get to go into the stadium at one point and see both the very end of the halftime show plus the start of the third quarter.  it was cool.  I was stationed at a Talent Entrance, so I saw people like Kelly Clarkson.

my favourite part, however, was when everyone was exiting the stadium campus and SEAN PAYTON (Saints head coach) CROSSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  he was so close, I could have kissed him on the cheek.  I seriously, legit swooned for a moment, lol.

oh yeah, and I get paid for all of it.  😀

Other (Mis-)Adventures

I want to do the Polar Plunge this year.  it’s in March, so it will have warmed up some.  I have a friend who may be willing to do it with me.  and Brian said he would be there to watch and support.

School

no, I haven’t started back into grad school.  I have decided, however, that I need to start looking into strictly online schools.  so that even if I move, maybe I can still stay enrolled and such.  so that’s a new project soon to be started.

Table-Top Campaigns

Brian is still running Scion.  I am supposed to start a Silver Age Sentinels campaign soon — wherein the players are villains instead of heroes.

My Writing

I’m active in the Twin Cities NaNo group on Discord.  hopefully, I will start writing again soon.

Addictions

so as of sometime at the end of Jan, my probation from my DUI ended.  I can technically go into bars and the like again.  I’m allowed to drink and be a normal adult.  Brian pointed this out to me —  I’m not sure why; I guess just because he likes sharing information and facts, not matter the consequences?

but it doesn’t matter to me.  my behaviour won’t change much.  I will still have a few drinks here or there.  I just have to keep it in check.

I’ve wanted to cut a lot lately.  it’s due to my Mind being utter chaos.  cutting always straightened me out; put my head back on in the correct direction, allowing me to get shit done.  but without cutting, I just sit in the windfall of disaster and panic in my Head and I drown.

I’ve been not eating again.  a lot.  but I’ve been losing weight, so that’s nice.

Physical Health

…despite not doing my kickboxing.  I mean, I have not been to a gym in over a month.  wtf?  I keep having panic attacks everytime I try.

but I’m going to try again tomorrow morning, I think.  and I may allow myself to pinch or something if I have to.  nothing serious, of course.  but something just enough to pull me out of whatever Fit I may end up falling into.  sometimes, even just knowing that’s an option helps….

Mental/Emotional Health

as was previously expressed, I’m not doing well in the Head.  between the depression-side of my bipolar and my S.A.D., I’m really falling apart.  I’m hopeless, goalless, aimless, and careless.  I have no suspicion that anything will improve, and I hate existence in its entirety.

Brian

things are pretty good between us.  he’s been doing a good job of taking care of me.  I can see it’s wearing on him, though.  I need to get better — if for nothing else than his sake.

Staying in Minnesota

rumour has it Brian is making other plans than the original “stay here for five years”.  but I’m not getting my hopes.  we’ve already been here 2.5 years.  so I’m expecting another three or four, just to be on the safe side.

though Brian and I both understand that I may not last here that long….

blub blub…

I have 64 words for NaNo so far.  and that’s all just from editing and adding words to older work.  none of it is totally fresh content.  because I have no fresh content in my brain.  I can’t think.  I’m too tired all the time.  I either have something else scheduled at the time, or I don’t have something else scheduled and therein opt to just sleep.

I almost made it to kickboxing this morning.  I got dressed and packed up.  I was fighting off a breakdown the whole time.  then, when it was time to put on shoes and go out the door, I just cracked.  I started bawling.  by the time I gathered myself enough to leave, it was too late and would cause me to be truant.  so I cried all over again.  then Brian eventually coerced me into going to the apartment’s gym and just walking on the treadmill at a stroll for 15 minutes.  and then I tucked my tail between my legs as I shuffled back to the apartment, defeated.  he congratulated and said he was proud of me.  he reiterated that “something is better than nothing”.  but all I could think of is how “a lot is more than something”.

I was legit tardy to work yesterday.  I couldn’t wake up; I couldn’t function.  I was so fatigued, it was beyond words.  and it’s not like I stayed up late on Sunday or anything.  maybe it was the time change Sunday morning.  maybe it’s just my body shutting down.  but it caused me to be late to a point of disciplinary action.  I mean, it’s just earning points towards a larger avoidable balance (think golf).  but hey, any points is more than no points.  and I got some points for being truant yesterday.  ugh.

I’m really falling apart.  I don’t know how to keep above water, much less start actually swimming again.

running out of Spoons

I have no Spoons.  I’m exhausted, and I have no interest in anything.

just three or so days ago, I was elated with how awesome my life was turning out.  things were really on the upswing.

and now, I’m back down at the bottom, barely able to stay above water.

I guess that’s bipolar for ya.  rapid cycling is a bitch.  not only are the ups and downs are in and of themselves, but they are fucking exhausting just as they are.  you don’t need to throw in the depression and apathy or the risky behaviour and police collisions.  just the up and down alone is enough to cause a person to fall flat on the floor and never move again.

I can’t do this Adult thing.  I’m running out of Spoons to even do this Human thing.  I really want to just curl up on the floor in a sunspot and take a nap.

my eating disorder is getting loud again.  I’m skipping meals more often, and I’m pigging out more often too.  I don’t know how best to approach the whole thing at this point.  I really think I’m going to go back to making sandwiches and keeping my life simple for a while.  I don’t have the Spoons to spare to worry about something be paleo or high in carbs or having too much sugar.  I just don’t.

back to business

after Tough Mudder, Brian and I got sick (he’s still struggling with his ear infection); shortly after that, I hurt my shoulder somehow.  and then for at least a month before all that, my car was constantly in and out of the shop for one reason or another.

well, things are finally starting to settle down.  I’m going back to 9Round (my cardio kickboxing classes) as of yesterday.  I’m eating more healthily and am tracking it again (with the exception of chewing gum).  I’m starting back on my Duolingo to re-learn Spanish for work.  I’m getting up and going to bed at somewhat regular times.  et cetera, et cetera.

which is good.  because my weight and fitness are horrid at this point.  I’m only twenty pounds lighter than my boyfriend who is over six inches taller than me and has a stockier build.  twenty pounds — that’s all.  that’s not enough.  I’ve really let myself go.

I snack too much, for one thing.  I used to either have dinner or snack, not both.  I need to get back into that system.  or into something.  I just need to do better.

I finally got around to doing chores at the apartment.  it had been at least two weeks since it really got the attention it needed, due to our being so ill and icky.  but this past weekend, we both did a lot of chores.  (thank you, Brian!)

I’m hoping (as ever) to get onto a blogging schedule.  it’s just hard with my life schedule changing so much.

I need to do some creative writing.  I haven’t done that in ages.  because I know I suck at it these days — and I hate doing things at which I’m no good.

work’s okay.  ups and downs.  almost done finding a bunch of bookkeeping and client-balance errors, which has been my big personal project.  when I thanked one of the attorneys (the one is not either partner), he thanked me in return because apparently none of the Office Managers before me ever bothered to sort this stuff out.  so that made me feel competent.  🙂

I suppose that’s it for now.  I have one more big piece of news, but there are pictures that go with it that I don’t have access to at the moment.  so we’ll hold off on that update for a little bit…

Tough Mudder

I survived Tough Mudder!!  within this hour exactly one week ago, I started a 5-mile (8.05k) job that included 13 different military grade obstacles — and I obviously survived.  It was legit testing, y’all.  sure, a few years back on a Zombie Run, there was a time I needed to stop and catch my breath, and I decided to just let them take my flags if they wanted; didn’t matter, I needed to breathe.  but this was different.  this was legit mentally and emotionally challenging.  I was concerned I wasn’t going to be able to do certain obstacles, or that I would greatly injure myself in a n attempt.  I questioned my very decision of being there, or having signed up for this.  and then I went all existential and questioned so many other decisions in my life, including the move and the job acquisition.  but I just paused, recollected myself, and moved on to the next challenge.

and I completed it.  it seems like I should be more proud than I am.  I don’t hang out with or talk to fitness people anymore, so no one really understand the magnitude of difficulty that is the Tough Mudder.  normal adventure runs are a joke compared to this (I don’t mean to down those 5ks; I still love ’em!!).  but I don’t feel proud.  I’m disappointed in myself, that it was as difficult as it was for me.  that I didn’t prepare better.  that I didn’t perform better.  I’m disappointed at how it wasn’t as amazing as it should have been (as is related to things within my power, not the organization).

I suppose that’s the pessimist in me, the cynic.  the hyper-self-critical perfectionist.  but I don’t know how to change that about myself.  I suppose this is something I should bring up in therapy.