it’s been a crazy few weeks

so it’s been a while since I last updated y’all on everything.

my family came in on Monday 6/12 and left Sat 6/17. in the party was my mother, my father, my little bro (he’s 27), and my brother’s friend. overall, we had lots of fun! Monday was just them recovering from the two-day drive. Tuesday, Brian joined the whole lot of us in walking around the Mall of America for 10 hours. that’s right, I typed 10. hours. but in those hours, we flung balls around during putt-putt, went cut up at the aquarium, got lost in a mirror maze, and cut up with strangers the whole time. Wednesday, Brian and I both worked. each Thursday and Friday, I worked only in the morning; Brian still worked all day. Thursday, I took the family and bro’s friend through the skyway. I had never walked it, so it was new to me too. then Friday, I took them out to St Paul to see the cathedral. (St Paul is one of the patron saints of my family’s catholic church back home.) then they departed around noon on Saturday when I had to leave for a volunteer work function.

OH! but while I was at work one day, guess what happened…… THE BEAST WAS EVICTED FROM THE OFFICE!! I mean, it took all four of my guests to capture the creature. but they did so, and Contact came to pick it up. it’s gone!! oh, what glorious days are these!!

last week, much time was spent repairing the apartment from all our guests. see, the four visitors slept in the living room. so we had no office and no living room for a week. it was exhausting. as was the clean-up.

then last Tuesday, my car overheats and never sufficiently cools enough for me to drive it. had to replace the entire radiator. not fun at all. so I was back to bussing to work for about a week. got it back Friday, right before the weekend. for which I was thankful, as I had a busy weekend planned.

Saturday was a workout day (more on that in another post); then I had a therapy appointment. I’m wondering why I’m going anymore. I want to ask her at the next session wtf exactly are we doing, what are we working on? she said at one point that she wanted to work on my negative talk. sure, that’s great. but when are we to start it??

anyway, after that, I went to the store to get hair dye and bleach. OMG, the colour did not turn out as it was supposed to. everyone during the weekend commented positively on it. but still. I’m having to re-dye it so I can keep my job. it’s way too bright. I’ll see about trying to upload a photo later. in the meantime, just imagine hot pink with a hint of pastel pink in it. eek!

Saturday night, Brian and I went to see the play “Booty and the Beast”. it was comedy skits influenced by social media, online dating, and Disney flicks. XD it was hilarious.

Sunday was the famous Minneapolis Pride Parade & Festival. and it was AWESOME. so much love and acceptance. and some of my kink friends were there, so I go to meet them IRL finally. and my hair was a hit there, of course. 😀

so yeah. it’s been an eventful few weeks. sorry for my absence. but I’m back, and I’m looking forward to catching up on what YOU’ve been doing. ❤

Rock Your Paradox

below is from another entry by Danielle Laporte: “Rock Your Paradox“.

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I think It’s coming back

I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned.  and I have caloric goals included.  well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit.  so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell.  well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons.  so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup.  shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.

I was Done.

Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made.  I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one.  but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me.  so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore.  and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.

so that’s what happened here — I was just Done.  so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep.  I didn’t eat anything.  this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal.  I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.

when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner.  that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight.  but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat.  so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.

so I’m going to try no lunches.  people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time.  so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.

yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.

I forgot how great it felt to really control something again.  I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat.  I’m going to get my ropes back.  and I’m stoked.

there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me.  I always feel lighter when I skip meals.  my insides are more vacant, they’re airy.  I walk lighter; I almost float.  I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no.  and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving.  again, I am in control.

so yeah, I think It’s coming back.  that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.

I have to be careful, though.  I can’t let It take the control as it once did.  I have to remain in charge.  I have to guide It to a happy medium between us.  and I really think I can; honestly.

Nerd Fitness Challenge Goals

I used to participate in Nerd Fitness Challenges every seven weeks.  I have been doing that for years.  since moving up here, however, I’ve stopped.  I tried a few times, and failed.  well, I’m trying again.

below is my write-up of my Goals for this Challenge.

and if you want to know more about what Nerd Fitness and its community is, please feel free to ask!  😀

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final day at work

tomorrow is my last day.  Brian and I had a good talk again over the weekend about what to do regarding my working this week.  I wasn’t honest at first; I should have been more adamant about how this was wearing me thin, about how difficult it was making being alive.  when he directly asked me, “can you not make it until Friday?”, I should’ve been honest and said, “no, I can’t.”  but I didn’t.  I just kept dancing around the question: “I don’t have a choice”, “I guess I have to”, “I’ll figure something out”, etc.  eventually, he just called my bluff, and told me to make Tuesday my last day.  I fought back a bit at first, out of stubborn principal.  but when we both calmed down and really started looking at all the variables in play this week, not just the long-term ones, we decided this was a better decision.  sure, that’s about $200 we’re gonna be out; but I can’t make it until Friday.

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Home

I miss the Sun. I miss the Moon and its Stars. I miss bugs and insects. I miss birds. squirrels, racoons, neutria, ducks. I miss kids playing outside. I miss people hollering to one another scross streets, campuses, and offices. I miss “thanks you”, holding doors open, blessing people after sneezes, the “no clue clue who you are but have a great day anyway” nods and smiles.

I even miss the messy drama and loud ignorants sometimes.

zydeco music, thenreligion of food, crazy “I wasnso drunk that” stories, pickup trucks, proper manners, kindness, boots and camouflage, guns and confederate flags.

I miss the South.

I miss my home.

Minnesota is neat. the people are interesting, the weather is beautiful, the social care is impressive.

but it’s fast, so detached. everyone’s always inside, people never greet you, and there’s no interpersonal relationships.

apparently “real” big cities are worse. I could never survive it.

I think things will get easier as it gets warmer. there will be nore outdoor activities. and Rain. there’ll be Rain again.

it’s drizzling right now; it was raining lightly today. as beautiful as snow is, and as impressive as it is to see chuncks of ice fall out of the sky — Rain.

I wanted culture shock, adventure, something different. I’m getting it, and overall I really am enjoying it. but honestly, this will never be Home.

I may not need to go all the way back to Acadiana, or maybe not even Louisiana. but I will need the South back in my life eventually.

there’s a saying: “youcan  take a girl out of the South, but you never take the South out of the girl”.
for me, it’s more like, “you can take the girl out put the South, but she will always find her way back Home.”

《~ posted via mobile device ~》

the Truth shall set you Free

there is something incredibly freeing about admitting you’re a fuckup and are horribly flawed, and in honestly just being true to yourself.

I already got some flack about my last post — the one about how I had to spend some time in jail. and there’s still a small part of me that is rather regretful I’ve decided to be so open about everything — the cutting, the jail, the being a general nutbag, etc. but after a fairly short moment of shame, that small fearful part of me is silenced by what I deem to be the Truth, to be Freedom.

I’ve always been the goody-two-shoes, perfectionist, over-achieving mother hen. I always put everyone else before myself and take on the role of the exhausted martyr, all the while trying to hide behind lies of how well I’ve got my shit together and how successful and productive and motivated I am.

well, I’m done.

they let me out of jail at 8am today (Thu) instead of 2pm tmrw. but 2pm to 8am the next morning gives a person a lot of time to think and to feel.  I did a lot of the former; and I’m grateful very little of the latter occurred. nevertheless, some did. but it was okay. I didn’t shed a single tear, and the moments of self-hatred and despair were surprisingly fleeting.

instead, there was a calmness, a sense of … I dunno … not quite serenity, but most definitely a kind of peace.

I texted the following to one of my online besties:

I’m just in a very fuck-it-all-anyway mood these last two months.  getting a part-time, low-paying retail job — “eh, oh well”. two days in jail — “eh, oh well”. stupid-ass AA meetings — “eh, oh well”. am just tired of fighting; but am so exhausted and worn out, am too tired to even really give up … ya know?

and I’m not gonna lie — not giving a fuck it very freeing. it’s that brick of Fear shoved right off your chest, and suddenly you can breathe and move again.

I didn’t bother hiding my scars at all in there. and I’ve been comfortable in short sleeves almost this entire trip. I don’t care what these other people think anymore. they don’t know my struggles, they don’t know my issues, and they don’t even know all of my successes.

so fuck ’em.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe

// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\