below is from another entry by Danielle Laporte: “Rock Your Paradox“.
I’m doing Nerd Fitness again, as previously mentioned. and I have caloric goals included. well, Monday and Tuesday, I went way over my caloric limit. so yesterday, when Brian mentioned Taco Bell, I just resign to another bad day of eating, deciding to not get as much as I usually do; but I got excited, because I personally love the taste of what I get from Taco Bell. well, then Brian backtracks, and says we shouldn’t, for monetary and caloric reasons. so then I’m resigning to not have tasty food, but instead a can of soup. shortly after I express my disappointment and acceptance, Brian says that maybe we can go and just get less than we normally do.
I was Done.
Brian does this thing where he keeps providing options even after a decision has been made. I’m all about multiple options and comparing them to find the best one. but sometimes I’m too tired to keep comparing and re-deciding, and he just exhausts me. so I just tell him that I’m Done, meaning he now has to make the decision solo because I’m so frustrated and anxious with the whole thing that I don’t even want to do it (eat, go out, watch something, whatever) at all anymore. and that’s not fair to him, I know; but my brain just shuts down after that Option Paralysis situation.
so that’s what happened here — I was just Done. so we get home, and I just go strait to sleep. I didn’t eat anything. this morning, I had a large bowl of cereal. I’ve purposely left my lunch at home, so that I may eat it tonight.
when I lived alone, I usually didn’t eat dinner. that’s one method of how I prevented myself from gaining weight. but living with him, he has dinner every night; and I have a seafood diet — I see food, I want to eat. so when he has dinner I get pseudo-hungry (because my stomach and body don’t actually need anymore calories); and then I eat.
so I’m going to try no lunches. people who do Intermittent Fasting skip meals all the time. so I’m going to lean on that crutch as I feed back in my eating disorder.
yeah, that’s where this whole entry is going — back to my ED.
I forgot how great it felt to really control something again. I am going to decide when I eat, what I eat, and even if I eat. I’m going to get my ropes back. and I’m stoked.
there’s certain physical attributes and sensations that also excite me. I always feel lighter when I skip meals. my insides are more vacant, they’re airy. I walk lighter; I almost float. I’m excited for it to be a meal time so that I may say no. and I love when my stomach tries to plead it’s case about being hungry and empty; I kindly remind it that it’s been trained poorly, and it doesn’t need nearly as much food as it’s become accustomed to receiving. again, I am in control.
so yeah, I think It’s coming back. that wonderful sensation of control, of being lightweight, of just generally being better.
I have to be careful, though. I can’t let It take the control as it once did. I have to remain in charge. I have to guide It to a happy medium between us. and I really think I can; honestly.
I used to participate in Nerd Fitness Challenges every seven weeks. I have been doing that for years. since moving up here, however, I’ve stopped. I tried a few times, and failed. well, I’m trying again.
below is my write-up of my Goals for this Challenge.
tomorrow is my last day. Brian and I had a good talk again over the weekend about what to do regarding my working this week. I wasn’t honest at first; I should have been more adamant about how this was wearing me thin, about how difficult it was making being alive. when he directly asked me, “can you not make it until Friday?”, I should’ve been honest and said, “no, I can’t.” but I didn’t. I just kept dancing around the question: “I don’t have a choice”, “I guess I have to”, “I’ll figure something out”, etc. eventually, he just called my bluff, and told me to make Tuesday my last day. I fought back a bit at first, out of stubborn principal. but when we both calmed down and really started looking at all the variables in play this week, not just the long-term ones, we decided this was a better decision. sure, that’s about $200 we’re gonna be out; but I can’t make it until Friday.
I miss the Sun. I miss the Moon and its Stars. I miss bugs and insects. I miss birds. squirrels, racoons, neutria, ducks. I miss kids playing outside. I miss people hollering to one another scross streets, campuses, and offices. I miss “thanks you”, holding doors open, blessing people after sneezes, the “no clue clue who you are but have a great day anyway” nods and smiles.
I even miss the messy drama and loud ignorants sometimes.
zydeco music, thenreligion of food, crazy “I wasnso drunk that” stories, pickup trucks, proper manners, kindness, boots and camouflage, guns and confederate flags.
I miss the South.
I miss my home.
Minnesota is neat. the people are interesting, the weather is beautiful, the social care is impressive.
but it’s fast, so detached. everyone’s always inside, people never greet you, and there’s no interpersonal relationships.
apparently “real” big cities are worse. I could never survive it.
I think things will get easier as it gets warmer. there will be nore outdoor activities. and Rain. there’ll be Rain again.
it’s drizzling right now; it was raining lightly today. as beautiful as snow is, and as impressive as it is to see chuncks of ice fall out of the sky — Rain.
I wanted culture shock, adventure, something different. I’m getting it, and overall I really am enjoying it. but honestly, this will never be Home.
I may not need to go all the way back to Acadiana, or maybe not even Louisiana. but I will need the South back in my life eventually.
there’s a saying: “youcan take a girl out of the South, but you never take the South out of the girl”.
for me, it’s more like, “you can take the girl out put the South, but she will always find her way back Home.”
《~ posted via mobile device ~》
there is something incredibly freeing about admitting you’re a fuckup and are horribly flawed, and in honestly just being true to yourself.
I already got some flack about my last post — the one about how I had to spend some time in jail. and there’s still a small part of me that is rather regretful I’ve decided to be so open about everything — the cutting, the jail, the being a general nutbag, etc. but after a fairly short moment of shame, that small fearful part of me is silenced by what I deem to be the Truth, to be Freedom.
I’ve always been the goody-two-shoes, perfectionist, over-achieving mother hen. I always put everyone else before myself and take on the role of the exhausted martyr, all the while trying to hide behind lies of how well I’ve got my shit together and how successful and productive and motivated I am.
well, I’m done.
they let me out of jail at 8am today (Thu) instead of 2pm tmrw. but 2pm to 8am the next morning gives a person a lot of time to think and to feel. I did a lot of the former; and I’m grateful very little of the latter occurred. nevertheless, some did. but it was okay. I didn’t shed a single tear, and the moments of self-hatred and despair were surprisingly fleeting.
instead, there was a calmness, a sense of … I dunno … not quite serenity, but most definitely a kind of peace.
I texted the following to one of my online besties:
I’m just in a very fuck-it-all-anyway mood these last two months. getting a part-time, low-paying retail job — “eh, oh well”. two days in jail — “eh, oh well”. stupid-ass AA meetings — “eh, oh well”. am just tired of fighting; but am so exhausted and worn out, am too tired to even really give up … ya know?
and I’m not gonna lie — not giving a fuck it very freeing. it’s that brick of Fear shoved right off your chest, and suddenly you can breathe and move again.
I didn’t bother hiding my scars at all in there. and I’ve been comfortable in short sleeves almost this entire trip. I don’t care what these other people think anymore. they don’t know my struggles, they don’t know my issues, and they don’t even know all of my successes.
so fuck ’em.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
~ Marilyn Monroe
// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\
as the afore entry stated, my court appointment went as good as I could have expected. better actually, because I didn’t have to wait to talk to the judge, lol.
but more than just that, today was actually what one might call “a good day”.
before court, Mum made french toast for Dad and me; and we three watched goofy videos until it was time to leave. during this, I was also making calls and setting up new job interviews for next week. before, during, and after court, everyone was in tolerable and even — dare I say it — pleasant moods.
afterwards, we three swung by the newly remodeled public library’s main branch. it’s excellent. they did a great job.
next, since we were so close, we swung by my former place of employment to say hey. I plan to go back by tomorrow to spend a little more time actually catching up with everyone.
then we went to pick up Tiger (my baby bro) and his adorable lass. we picked up some pizza (and I, three smoothies from Fruity Smoothie, lol), and headed home. Brian’s mom soon arrived from Baton Rouge, and the lot of us played a game of Munchkin. hilarity ensued.
then it was time for Lucy (Bri’s mom) to head out. mere minutes later, Kiera arrived. the new group played an amazing game of Exploding Kittens. (I am now officially in love with that game. it is a game by The Oatmeal creator that Sean-chan KickStarted.) Dad brought Tiger and his woman home when it was over; Mum, Kiera, and I played one more quick game.
then Kiera and Mum began setting up the former’s brand new massage table, while I quickly rinsed off. and then it was a few hours of heaven as Kiera and I chatted and she worked magic on me, my back and shoulders especially. with so few chiropractic appointment s and not getting any real rest, this was very much needed. then we talked a while more before she eventually left.
and now I’m here, feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally better than I have in several months — despite what today initially was going to be.
so here’s thanks to Mum, Dad, Tiger, Foxie, Lucy, Sean, and Kiera: I’m actually almost glad that I woke up this morning.