quick little survey

I hadn’t done a meme/survey thing in a while. I stole this one from my buddy orangerful over at ElJay.

💍 Marriages: none.
💍 Engagements: none.
💔 Divorces: none.
👶 Kids: just mah one chunky-monkey fur-baby.
👦 Brothers: un, Tiger who’s three years younger than me.
👧 Sisters: only Mom and Dad’s pets, lol.
🐕 Current Pets: Zero, all 10-years and 14-pounds of him..
👩🏼‍⚕️ Surgeries: dislocated and broke three bones in my ankle back in 208 or so.
✒ Tattoos: not yet… 😉
🌴 Been to an Island: only ones in random ponds around Louisiana.
✈️ Flown on a Plane: couple times now, yeah.
🚑 Rode in an Ambulance: multiple times, at this point.
🎤 Sang Karaoke: once or twice.
⛸ Ice Skating: two or three times, now.
🚢 Been on a Cruise: sadly, not yet.
🏍 Rode on a Motorcycle: yeah. even owned one for a while. miss my Baldr.
🏍 Owned a Motorcycle: oh, I didn’t see this question when I answered the last one, lol.
🐴 Rode on a Horse: UGH, I evil little fuckers.
🏥 Stayed in a Hospital: bahaha. nigh countless times.
🍓 Favorite Fruit: plums, avocados (technically fruits, I think), and blood oranges.
🌓 Favorite Day: like, ever? or of the week? this is a really vague question….
🌈 Favorite Colour: BLACK! then dark purple.
📱 Last Phone Call: probably my mum, lol.
☕️ Coffee or Tea: tea.
🥧 Favorite Pie: pumpkin, then pecan.
🍕 Favorite Pizza: pineapple+onion+mushroom.
🐶 Cat or Dog: meow! :3
☃️ Favorite Season: depends on the state — home, autumn; here, summer.
⭐️ Met a Star: mainly voice actors and artists.
🚁 Rode in a Helicopter: yes. and omg, an autorotation is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had! 😀
📺 Been on TV: few times with scouts back in the day.
🦴 Broken a Bone: omg, so many. D:
👻 Seen a Ghost: probably.
🤮 Been Sick in a Taxi: only rode in a taxi once; was not ill.
⚰️ Seen Someone Die: like a human? yeah, once. same days I learned I suck at CPR….

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hello, Old Friend

my eating disorder has been peaking its ugly head out of the gutter recently.

 

so much so that I’ve gone back to my old haunting grounds over at MPA (My ProAna).

they had a survey/questionnaire thing there.  I filled it out.  it’s below, under the splice.  I don’t know why I’m sharing it.  maybe to out myself.  maybe as a way of coping with my issues.  I dunno.  but here it is, nonethless….

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soaking

in the tub. with my cell. with bubbles and epsom salt. with hot and hoefully healing waters.

in my self-hatred and concern. about my skills set and capabilities. about if my creativity is even alive anymore. about my cage called “a body”.

in my longing. for the sun. to be outside. to have a group of friends. to host shindigs. to have a home again.

in my fear. of my personal future. of what this president is doing to the whole world. of my career. of never being happy again. of being stuck in this state.

in hopelessness. because nothing will  change soon enough. because I will never like, much less love, myself. because I will never truly write again.

in the tub. with cold water now. without anymore bubbles or full grains of salt. without any sense of peace that this was supposed to give me.

soaking.

just a meme

stolen from BookishGeek.  I’ll try to actually create a post of substance later this afternoon.

 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
hopefully I’ll have found my career and have progressed in it.  and I’ll have at least one more cat.  :3

Was a person the reason you last cried?
yeah.  I kinda got Brian in trouble at his work, and it really bummed him out; so of course I felt guilty.  (the day of my interview, between it and lunch, I just sat in Brian’s office playing on my cell.  apparently he has to ask permission for me to hang around.  we didn’t know.)

Were you single 6 months ago?
nope.

Are you wearing something gray?
yeah, my sweat pants are grey with a red stripe down each side.

If someone were to call you right now, who would it probably be?
Caribou Coffee for a job.  or my mother.

What were you doing at 3pm?
today?  hopefully on the phone with prospective jobs.

What was the last thing you bought for less than a dollar?
maybe a song online?

How many phone contacts do you have under the letter ‘A’?
14.

Do you speak any foreign languages?
un peu de francais, paululum linguae latinae, liga ellinika, iom esperanton.

Was your last kiss in the last 24 hours?
yeah.  Brian went back to work from his lunch break about thirty minutes ago.

Who was the last person in your bed?
Zero, actually.

How old will you be in 6 months?
29.

Have you had an alcoholic beverage in the last 24 hours?
last drink I had was Wednesday, when I found out I got Brian in trouble.

Are you currently in school?
sadly, no.

Name three yellow objects within your view:
batteries, rubberband, cheesey scallop potatoes.

Who was the last person you called?
Brian’s dad, actually, Tuesday night.

Who was the last person to call you?
H, on Wednesday night.

Do you own a car newer than a 2002?
ha, no way.  my Chameleon is a 1997 or 1998, I think.

Are you a natural blonde?
thank the gods, no.

Pick up the nearest book to you, turn to page 8 and type the 1st sentence:
“Except now I’m wondering if maybe Milk-Bones are really delicious and he’s just a genius who’s discovered really cheap cookies.”   (thanks, Jenny.)

Turn on your mp3 player, what song is playing?
I don’t really have an MP3 player or anything.  I don’t even have but one song on my phone.  I guess I can list that one: “Better Son or Daughter” by Rilo Kiley.

Do you believe in horoscopes?
they’re fun, but not all that realistic.
I am, however, a Leo-Virgo cusp, lol.

What day was it 2 days ago?
Wednesday.

What did you do that day?
sleep, drink, clean the apartment, and be really depressed.

Is there something bothering you right now?
um, I actually have a black eye right now, from legit busting my face on a counter.  I was trying to catch the glass microwave tray, and I wasn’t paying attention to any other surroundings.  so I not only broke the tray and gave myself a black eye, but I also blindedly broke the bathroom cabinet that had the first aide kit in it.  so then I’m just gushing blood all over everything, I can’t see, there’s glass all over the kitchen, there’s all kinds of shit falling onto my bare feet in the bathroom.  and by the end of it all, I never did eat anything because I was too exhausted.  XD
also, I think I have a UTI right now.  😦

How’s your heart?
better than my lungs and back.

Do you know how to make hemp jewelry?
no clue.

Would you rather read minds or see the future?
see the future.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?
shoulders are very small.  do you mean does my hair fall past my shoulders?– because yes to that..

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Brian.

Do you give people second chances?
usually, yes.  because I tend to forget the original transgression, lol.

How are things between you and your most recent ex?
um, I actually don’t even know if he’s still alive.  O_o

What does your name mean?
Behind the Name suggests the following:

JAMES:  English form of the Late Latin name Iacomus which was derived from Ιακωβος (Iakobos), the New Testament Greek form of the Hebrew name Ya’aqov (see JACOB). This was the name of two apostles in the New Testament. The first was Saint James the Greater, the apostle John’s brother, who was beheaded under Herod Agrippa in the Book of Acts. The second was James the Lesser, son of Alphaeus. Another James (known as James the Just) is also mentioned in the Bible as being the brother of Jesus.

and actually, “Saint James the Greater” inspired me to become “James the Greatest”.  :3

Have you been to a wedding this year?
um, I don’t think so.  Jared & Emily’s was last September.  I can’t remember when Ritchie & Lindsay’s was.

Are you an aunt or uncle?
thankfully, no.

It’s Saturday, 11pm, where are you most likely to be?
watching Hulu or Netflix, possibly with some wine or beers.

Are you engaged?
nope.

Do you have a stepmom?
nope.

Do you know anyone named Amber?
Amber Oppenheimer.

How many siblings do you have?
just Tiger, my little bro by three years.

Who was the last person to leave you a comment?
blahpolar on my WordPress.

What do you think of that person?
I love reading her posts.  I don’t comment often, but that’s because she so often has a plethora of information and links, that I get lost in those until it’s time for bed, lol.

Was today better than yesterday?
so far, yeah.

Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years?
eeek.  I have no clue!!

What season is your birthday in?
sweltering summer.

Have you ever been hunting?
oddly enough, no.

If you open the nearest drawer to you, what do you see?
a shit-ton of flashdrives, actually.

Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Ms. Boxy, I think.  I only vaguely remember anybody before middle school.

Where do you go when you want to be alone?
it used to be my car.  I would literally just go sit out in my car; on the really bad days, I might even just sleep in there.

How’s life on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best)?
varies between 2 and 3.5, depending on how my mental status is holding up.

surveys/memes

wow.  it’s been almost a month since I made a post.  sorry about that, y’all.  especially to the new friends I made and followers I acquired a few weeks ago in a friending meme.  I’m usually better about updating.

and reading.  dudes, I have over 200 entries to read from y’all, between WordPress, LiveJournal, Blogger, and DreamWidth.  y’all are a verbose bunch, lol.

anyway, let me do a little meme for the new folk to get to know me.  then I’ll do a post about what all’s been going on in life….

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a2z: Lacerations

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Lacerations

 

Brian might have a job in Minnesota soon.  (oh shit.  yeah, I need to update y’all about that.  my bad.)  so I was thinking about the different job opportunities I could seek out up there.  I’ve a diverse career and volunteer history (in no particular order): photographer, office assistant manager, comic artist, product suppliers manager for a expos, book seller, photographer, interviewer, customer service manager, security guard, general retail/sales, photography studio manager, heliport assistant manager, volunteer coordinator for expos, canoe instructor, writer, equipment specialist and manager, librarian, etc.  some of these were concurrent, some were not.  some were for a summer, some many years.  but I have enough experience in each of them to get another job in the same position or at least similar field.

so then I was thinking about things I couldn’t do.  immediately I went to anything involving balance or memory, and food is also a no-go.  so of course, that meant “no way” for the restaurant industry.  in fact, I really couldn’t make it there.  either A] I couldn’t dress the part to work in a nicer restaurant; or B] I couldn’t dress the part to work in a lower-class burger joint (think Twin Peaks or Hooters or something).  why not the latter?  because of my scars.

I’ve written a lot in my LiveJournal/DreamWidth about my self-injury — cutting, hair-pulling, burning, scratching, biting, bruising, head bashing, starving, over-dosing, etc.  I try not to go into it too much here, as my being too open about my cutting is what ended up in an unnecessary hospital trip that cost me over $4000 of non-insured expenses (which I actually finally just paid all of off in 2014!).

but as they are a part of who I am, both past and present — and honestly, probably still in the future –, I can’t just ignore it all.

I’m a cutter.  I’m a self-harmer.  not was; am.  the scars haven’t stopped.  they continue.

they’ve diminished in quantity and frequency; but they make up for it in quality and frightfulness.

I started wearing what I call my “scar tape” again.  there’s a ton of gels and tapes and screams that help.  but I have my favourite.  though now it’s old and hard to find, and my not even be effective anymore.  but I’m wearing that again.

but because of these damn things, I can’t even get a job as a waitress.  in the past, I hid my cutting.  only inner thighs and breasts.  but these days, I don’t think I even care anymore.  since November, new ones have been added.  and they’re on stomach.  right across it.  so the Twin Peaks belly-revealing uniforms are out.  and the Hooters short skirts?  they’d definitely show off too many.

it’s funny how my drinking limits my mobility for a job, my anxiety limits my socialness, my self-injury limits my outfits, and my nerves limits my dexterity.

I need a job where I don’t have to have any certain appearance, am not expected to go anywhere to distant, and don’t have to have patience or proper mobility.

can I, like, apply to be a log or something?

 

Lacerations

a2z: Kleptomania

April 2015’s Blogging A to Z:
Kleptomania

 

Brian is convinced I’m a slight kleptomaniac.  I disagree.  in fact, I’m going to tell you about what kleptomania is, and then I’ll compare it to my habits.  and then I’ll email him a copy of this post as defense.

the DSM-V is the current bible-equivalent for psychologists, psychiatrists, and everyone one else who throws mind-fucked labels at you.  and, much like the the religious Bible, it’s an excellent foundation that can point you in a good direction and with a sufficient-enough approach, but it really can’t be applied to every fucking specific case that ever existed.  however, as stated, it’s a great starting point.

anyway.  the DSM-V categorizes kleptomania with the “disruptive, impulse control, and conduct disorders”.  kleptomania specifically means there is an impulse or urge to steal things that, typically, a person doesn’t even fucking need or want.  sure, many people have thoughts cross their mind like, “ooh, it would be so easy to just knick that wallet; no one would notice.”  but they don’t do it.  a klepto often does.  sometimes, a person won’t steal because they’ve considered the consequences, and it’s just not worth it.  but for a klepto, they take the shit after realizing the trouble it could cause and while knowing they don’t need the damn item.

because mental disorders are lonely blokes, comorbidity is common.  kleptos often also have eating disorders, anxiety disorder, personality disorders, OCD, and bipolar disorder.  the depression-suicide side of being a nutbag isn’t as prevalent in kleptos, unless their kleptomania (or other comorbid beast) is causing them serious distress in their lives; apparently the k-mania itself isn’t usually a cause.

but anyway.  it, and pyromania, used to be their own classification.  then, in the DSM-V, the ol’ boys got together and revamped it so that both are now just hanging out with the other “we don’t behave correctly in society” disorders, like oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder (which I think all cats have), the callous specifier, etc.

basically, it plays out like this:  “holy fuck, I need to take this item.  not because there’s voices telling me to or because I need the item.  I just need to have the act of taking it.”  ::item is taken::  “aaaah, that’s better.  ….well fuck, now what do I do with this shit?”

to get help, you undergo cognitive-behavioral therapy, undergo rational-emotive therapy, or sometimes take anxiety-reducing medication (apparently fluoxetine and naltrexone are favourites).  other than that, there’s not much research done on the matter.

so, as aforementioned, this post was originally planned to encourage me to do some deep research into the disorder, thereby finding facts that would support my argument that I’m not a kleptomaniac — that I just like taking petty things because it makes me feel good and is usually harmless, and that it eases the anxiety I would otherwise have if I didn’t take it.  then I read that there’s no real numerical check-list or classification system I can use to disprove his argument; but instead, they just described me.

fuck.

so the next time I take a street sign (I have several), traffic cone (I have three), a street light (two), broken furniture on the side of the road that’s obviously meant for the dumpster, possibly-full bottle of fuel sitting in the grass meant for a BBQ grill I don’t even own, abandoned bikes by trashcans, and other things maaaaaybe I should just let alone — I think I won’t even mention to Brian the inclination to knick said items.  I mean, I’m not saying I won’t go back afterwards and get them.  I just think I won’t let him know.  :/  also, I don’t think I’ll be emailing this post to him afterall, lol.

 

Kleptomania