“go all Henry David Thoreau up in here”

I think I need a vaccay from people. like, from all humans. even Brian. go all Henry David Thoreau up in here or something.

I used to camp all the time. year round, and as much as possible. I would volunteer with organizations too. a lot of my time used to go to volunteerism.

I mean, I have a pessimistic, natural inclination to assume the worst about a given individual. but I used to at least allow them enough room to hang themselves. these days, I can hardly wait to pull a handle of judgment to drop people to a doom they possibly didn’t rightly deserve.

and those aforementioned communes with nature or surrounding myself with heartfelt people — they would reset the innate hatred I have within. they would fill me with beauty, awe, and hope. and then I had the energy to go tackle the harsh reality that is life.

but with no vacations to remind myself what matters, with no groups or friends also struggling to focus on the light, I feel … I just feel hopeless, adrift. like I’m just barely staying afloat in life instead enjoying the waves at a beach.

I will make it a point to find a volunteer group again. I will make it a point to go camping again soon (once it fucking warms a little, because I am a pussy in the cold). and I will make it a point to write again … even if there is no one remaining to read anything.

a more substantial update

a lot of changes have occurred in my life recently. even just within the last month, much more in the last six months or even year.



life is tough financially again. but nothing terrible.

I let Brian talk me into taking my car to the shop. to be fair, the tire rods were loose and my oil was leaking substantially. but that put us our well over $1300 or so.

we’re going home for Christmas, so that’s gonna cost us. you know, I only just realised that most people may have led with that as a major topic. or at least mentioned it in the former brief update. but meh; I’m not looking forward to it.

Brian is very excited to go, though. so that’s why I’m bothering. I just got this job and I’m already requesting several days in a row off. plus, it means my being awkward around his dad’s side of the family and my having to put up with my family. it also meant figuring out wtf to do with Zero. and guess who was going to end up arranging all of this — the very person who had no interest in this occurring. it was very frustrating.

anyway. so that is several thousands of dollars. Dad is helping us to fly Zero, Brian’s grandmother sent us some money, and Brian’s mum is helping us a lot. but still … so much money, all for me to be so miserable.


physical health

I’m back over 170lbs. but I’ve started working out everyday, and I’m choosing meals and quantities more wisely. it’s too cold for me to bike, so I’ve been weight lifting and trudging on the dreadmill.

a very large art of me wants to go to the running store not far from here and inquire about winter running. the times in the past when I best kept to my workouts were when I invested financially into them — gym membership, purchase of free weights, signing up for an adventure run, etc. maybe buying winter gear would help me get into gear. I know I would feel so badass saying I was a winter runner!

but then again, money….


mental health

ah, the big beasty topic. how am I doing inside my noggin? surprisingly well, actually. having the job and becoming more competent at it is helping. having to brainstorm for this RPG, I think, is helping too. I recently purchased a portable sun lamp; I basically live in front of it, lol. and as mentioned in the previous post, I have a group of friends; we’re not individually friends, but I like the group. there is a second group that I may like, but hanging out with them will prove to be more difficult, simply because of the differences between their lifestyles, the lifestyle I want, and the lifestyle Brian wants for me.  but we’ll see.

a secret

I fear that each day, I am drained further and further of my Words and Meanings. until by the end of it all, I will be Dry, Empty, and Speechless.

happy fucking weekend

so, week two of my call center job is completed.  some of my coworkers who I actually like and would love to get to know are going out to a pub in Minneapolis tonight. they’re even my bus buddies, so we all have a DD.

but I’m not going.

instead, I’m going home to be horribly bored and alone.

Brian has a Duel tonight on his RoH online game.  and other than Sammy, I don’t really have any friends up here.

I got paid this morning. I actually have money I could spend. not much, as we are still very much in debt and low on funds.  but I don’t get to celebrate with my coworkers the fact that we made it through the two-week weeding process.

Brian offered we order Chinese food or something. I told him no thanks. I don’t want to spend the evening with him. not tonight. I want friends. I want to laugh and joke around with people, not just a single person and cat.

but I encouraged him to take me away. I said I wanted “culture shock”. I joke a lot and overexagerate my sirprise at certain things up here. but honestly, what’s surprising me the most, is how lonely I am, and how hard of a time I am having making friends….

I do not have to have permission to be happy.

it’s been a while, sorry.

things have been rough.

but I haven’t cut.
and I only relapsed on drinking once.

I had horribly nightmares Fri nite/Sat morn.
awoke with consuming self-hatred.
promised myself Saturday night, I would go to bed feeling accomplished and worth-while.

I failed.

I’m depressed, hopeless, pathetic, a failure, a disappointment, and in a generally crappy mindset.

but this stupid sobriety app I have on my phone was all like, “congrats on day X of your sobriety.”
so I clicked it.
and I read a few of their little attempts-to-encourage-you-with-fluffy-bullshit.

but I did appreciate the one below.
so I’m sharing it.

Do You Need Permission to Feel Good

“I ‘shoulda’ done that… If only I ‘woulda’ done that…That ‘coulda’ happened, but didn’t…My mother in law, wife, children are a mess…I’m not as rich, good looking, fast enough as I expected…My license is suspended. I’m too fat, thin, and strange.” Even if you have failed at everything and life is not what you want it to be, you still do not have to be miserable or hopeless. The end of misery begins when you realize that you do not have to give yourself permission to feel good. In other words, you do not have to reach a certain standard to allow yourself to feel OK. Nevertheless, if you feel bad because of your using or drinking history, you need to change.

Say, “I’m not guilty, not ashamed today.” Forgive yourself and celebrate sobriety. Repeat the following five times: “Even if I totally fail in life, I unconditionally love and accept myself and God does too.” Then just do the next right thing.

shared via “SoberTool App”

// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\

conversation I just had with Brian

James:  ::sneezing a lot suddenly::
Brian:  “You really are sneezy today.” … “Which is a change of things, because normally you’re pretty dopey.”
James:  ::groans::
Brian:  “It’s okay. Telling that joke made me happy.” … “Get it? Happy??”
James:  “This conversation is making me grumpy.”
Brian:  “Well, go ahead and tell me how you feel; don’t be bashful.”
James:  “If you keep this up, you’re going to have to see a doc.”
Brian:  “Hey, I don’t have to take that from someone who spent the whole day being sleepy.”

…this is my life.

// mobile post via my screen-cracked Android \\

our first sneaux man


a sweet gent offered to take a photo of us.


there is apparently inches of snow outside. I personally think it’s ten feet of snow, but the weather channel disagrees.

Brian and I made our first snowman. he’s kinda dilapidated. so I suggested we call it a ‘sneaux man’, and Brian loved the idea. when we realised we could only manage two levels/balls/layers (we don’t know what they’re called), I suggested a ‘sneaux midget’. but apparently, as Brian informed me, the term ‘midget’ is now derogatory. so I was like, “then can I call it a sneaux dwarf?” though honestly, I think the term ‘dwarf’ should be more offensive than midget, because it makes me envision creatures from Dungeons and Dragons or Lord of the Rings. and honestly, if you’re from either, you’re gonna have to have a large, crazy-man beard.

anyway, Brian said no to that too. so then I suggested it be a halfling. by this point, Brian’s nose was mimicking that of Rudolph’s, so he answered with, “it can be whatever non-offensive thing you want, as long as it gets me inside faster.”  I told him to think of a name and keep working while I went inside to get a shovel.

the apartment lady whose name I’ve forgotten again said that you shouldn’t need a shovel to make a snowman. rather, she figured the snow wasn’t sticky enough. because apparently there are different types of snow. so I asked her when ‘sticky snow season’ was, and she just laughed. apparently sticky snow happens when it’s warmer.  “duh!”, I realized, “because it starts to slightly melt, and therein becomes more adhesive. makes sense.” her quizzical expression suggested it didn’t make sense to her, though.  so I thanked her and told her we’d figure something out. she noted that Brian and I were both adorable and hilarious, then I left.

after a little more work, we manage to finish up acceptably for us. Brian named him Snomber — fat dwarf (‘Bomber’, from LotR) + ‘snow’. it worked for me. we took photos quickly, then hauled ass inside before his face froze and my fingers fell off.

it was great!!


sneaux kisses!!


I'll try to rotate it when I get to a PC.