a second blog??

as many of yoy know, I moved from the deep Cajun country of Louisiana up to Minneapolis, Minnesota, in August 2015. however, prior to my move, several friends suggested I should start chronicling my adventures up here in yankee territory.  well, I can’t even keep up with this blog, much less atart a whole ‘nother one. still, I pondered on the thought for a while.

and I continue to. should I create a whole new blog for my attempts to understand those about I-10? or should I metely use tags and/or categories in this current blog? by doing the latter, I do risk having people read some of the more darker things about myself whom I may may otherwise rather not. then again, maybe it’s time I start being honest with everyone about my status and ecforts — especially with myself…..

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a catch-up

so I finally caught up with all of your posts and blogs and stories and stuff.  even got a lot of my multiple email accounts cleaned up.  yay!

now then, onto the update….

 

Therapy

last Tuesday, I finally had a therapy appointment. the lady doesn’t speak very clear English, so that’s difficult. I have a very precise way of speaking, I’m sure most of you’ve noticed. it’s hard for me to convey complex or dynamic ideas with her due to the language barrier. so discussions that should be short and quick are taking much longer, which means we cover less topics. so, I don’t know….

moreover, the bike ride there is an hour-plus  trip of hell. bus rides would be 2hrs. it would probably take Brian only 20m or so to drive me.  oh!, also, I’m apparently allergic to something that’s on that side of town. because since getting close until the next day: watery eyes, sneezing constantly, headaches, etc. I have never had to endure allergies before; I didn’t know what the fuck was happening at first!

additionally, she’s gonna be gone for over a month after this week.  wtf? so no clue of I’m gonna keep going. ::shrugs::  I mean, I have an appointment with her tomorrow (Saturday).  so we’ll see what she recommends from there.

 

Thanksgiving

first Thanksgiving away from my family. and honestly, totally okay with that.

but it was Brian’s and my first one alone together. he made lots of good food, I made a salad, and I drank more than I wish I had. but food makes me nervous. and I usually can’t survive large meals like that if I’m sober. so yeah.

 

Dry December

speaking of drinking, I’m challenging myself to a Dry December. only exceptions may be Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s Eve. those are legit holidays wherein it is absolutely okay to have a few drinks. but only a few, I know.

so yeah. I’ve already fucked it up a little.  had a little vodka this week.  but I had much less than I would have otherwise.  go me!

 

Fitness

which is good, honestly.  because I think I have a UTI.  not cool at all.  taking some OTC meds, as well as some antibiotics I had leftover from my last UTI.  if I still have symptoms on Monday, I’m fucking going to a doctor.  UTI’s are the main reasons I end up over-night in hospitals.  blah.

meanwhile, I’ve started tracking my meals again. gotta get back into shape. I’m reaching 180 lbs — not cool.

last week, I started working out again. did so-so with keeping to it this week.  once the UTI set in, working out was not really an option.  instead, but I’m just trying to keep active at home.

 

Brian

things have been going well with him. we our tiffs; but as always, we get over them almost immediately. I am kinda worried he’s not telling me how much it bothers him that I still don’t have a job yet. and because of this, we don’t have enough money for him to go back to Louisiana for the holidays during his time off.

 

Employment

I am trying though; I really am. but the jobs that pay enough are only sales jobs, and the jobs that aren’t sales don’t pay enough. UGH. I’m going to have to take the next job offered to me though, no matter what it is. because we need the fucking money, and I need my fucking medication.

I just got out of an interview with Brian’s work, actually. it was stage 3 of 4. so we’ll see how it goes. I won’t hear back from them until Dec 11, the guy said. I can’t wait that long. so I’ll get what I can in the meantime. then if his work offers, I’M THERE!! because I really want this job!

it’s a Game Support Technician job. how badass is that? I’d find bugs in video slot machine games and catalogue them; I’d be hardware and software support for most everyone in the office; and I’d also do all kinds of other odds’n’ends duties.

HOWEVER, I am not holding my breath. I think I did poorly on the second interview, and I kind I did barely acceptable on this one.  and I doubt my getting Brian in trouble at work will help anything.  :/  (when he let me stay in his office between the luncheon and the interview — his supervisor apparently later scolded him against it.)

moreover, this position also requires travel; and as many of you know, I am restricted to the bus and my bike until at least March. also, I was honest that I’ll have to brush up on the details of my hardware knowledge. he didn’t seemed pleased about that. also, I was just my usual awkward self. I know I would learn quickly and do really great if I got it; but I think they’re going to find someone who is already “good enough” and who just looks shinier. so there’s that.

 

Writing

I didn’t do NaNoWriMo this year at all. too depressed. hadn’t even been keeping up with my fantasy football team.

I joined in this round of Stellar-Realms. (it’s an online kinda-text RPG.) hopefully I’ll get more involved this time around.

meanwhile, I’m trying to get a play-by-post story going with a few select people. but I need to do a lot more work before I can really present the premise; and then it’ll take them forever to make characters. so I’m honestly going to shoot for sometime in January to get it going.

and hopefully, one of these fucking projects will ignite me back into working on Den Hélder (my much-too-neglected novel).

hiding

hello. mobile post from a car again. this time mine.

I got my liscense back. a temp one at least. lasts until Sept 2015. I was supposed to drive myself to an AA Meeting. got into car, about it to crank it, and just had a crying fit instead. finish, then look at clock: Meeting started at 12:00; is currently 12:06. fuck. if were more than just an hour long, would just arrive late. but by time get theren will be half over.

Bri and I fought this morn. he is on his SECOND fucking extension doe that damned PhD degree; all he has left is a dissertation. and all he fuckibg does is video games. Mum has been bringing me to all my Groups and Meetings so he could work. but he only plays instead.

after holding it all in for over a yearn i finally went off on him. without too much detail of his personal life (or maybe bc too lazy to type all out on cel), I had made and voiced wrong assumptions. when he corrected them and told ne what his actual barriera are, I asked him how is or does he plan to get past them. he just shrugged and said he didn’t know. when I asked if hevd be open to suggestions of how to do so, he just shrugged again and said would think about it.

you claim you want this PhD and are willing to work to get it, but then you don’t actually work? I call bullshit somewhere.

so I am infuriated at him. I can’t be around him right now, lest I go off into amother tyraid against him for some petty reason.

ever since stopping drinking or pill popping,  I’ve lost all control of my emotions. (or maybe I had none, and using was just masking that fact).

so what to do now?

– I have my laptop with me. I could go to coffee shop to work on getting info about funding my going into mental hospital.
– I could sit in car and continue working on original Plan.
– I could go to my gas station and get liquorn then hide somewhere and consume it.

those are in order of what I should do. tho I have no clue qhat’s actually going to happen….

~*~ mobile post via cell ~*~

UPDATE
it’s 12:21pm (whee!), and I texted two counselors and two peers the following: “how late is too late to walk in an AA/NA Meeting after it’s already started??”

we’ll see what they say…..

UPDATE II
12:26, head counselor replied “no rules”. fine, I’ll go. spend a good three minutes trying to get phone to load fucking address. finally does.

do that breathing test I have to on my car. first try! this is a god sign.

and BAM!, my car battery is dead.
fffffffff.

fuck everything and everyone. I’m walking my happy ass to my gas station. when I get to Group todayn I’m cancelling the extension. and in the meantimen I continue to work on Plan and on second plan.

I’m not giving up. but my mental stability and emotional compliance are what need to get attention first, not my addiction.

mobile Xmas recap

in Brian’s car on my cell, so pardon text speach and typos.

Xmas at Bri’s dad’s house last night. dad is federal judge, so rich, intelligent, and high class. all day long, I was doing great at pushing Bri away. many gifts to others invloved alcohol-related items. all but Bri and I were drinking alch. his gram even smokes cigs. his bro’s girlfriend got very tipsy.

I was completely sober — and miserable. always feel out of place there. then w DUI 2 out there and in their knowledgen I just felt like a big bag of fuck ups, shame, and poverish trash.

I lived on my cell, frequenting my two Twitter accounts and chatting w my ana buddies on kik. I’d occasionally reach out to a Recovering peer; but many were either busy w fam and didn’t answer, or simply replied with comments like “stay strong”, “pray on it”, or “it will all be okay”.  and again, I didn’t even have Brian With me.

aforementioned girlfriend was actually my biggest and harshest bully in elementary school. and now she super successful and following lawyer path (much to talk about w Bri dad), owns lostts dogs (Bri stepmom raises and trains show dogs), and went to LSU (as did Bri gram). the girl is still very pretty, intelligent, well off, and presentable. is ideal for this family. all along way, she continues to impress and better engage with everyone.

by the end, I was d-o-n-e.  once got home, I basically told Brian to leave me the fuck alone, hid away in the bathroom with bandages and a blade, and bawled for hours. (mind you never cut or drank.) in between sobs and fits, worked on my Plan on my cell.

eventually he came to check on me. vulnerable and hopeless, I opened up — told him about closing him out and the Plan.

after we made peace w one another, made new plan: call counselors Xmas morn, look up mental facilities, etc. I promised to survive until at least weekend; he finally gets me out bathroom.

in less than seven minutes, he does one more thing accidentally pissing me off. I lose it and hide in bathroom again.  we talk, make additional peace, go to bed.

I can’t write too deeply on this for fear of breaking down in car. maybe and expound later. but was one of my more terrible fits; def one of longest and most hopeless. after Bri last offensen was ready to nix self immediately (but had already put blade upn so couldn’t).

Xmas morn, call counselor (not the dickhead; a diff one). but she doesn’t answer.  I fret, totally suicidal again.  Bri try-ish to calm me.  I offer to call head counselor. he likes plan, so I do. she answer and ask what up. I lose nerve and hand phone to Bri. Brian tries to tiptoe about why we call.  she evntually asks to talk to me directly. (all while she on speakerphone.)  she notnunderstanding severity of situation and me still distraught and para-suicidal, I blurt it all out. she tells me get evalv from hospital immediately. I said will so after all holidays. much back and forth between she and I about what to do and how soon.

after much pleading on both sides, compromise that I check in with her every two hours and do reasearch on favcilities Fri. I bring work sched (so she can figure when I can make more AA/NA Meetings) and facilities research for 4:30 Fri Group.; I also supposed to try make Meeting Fri morn. wtf, but whatever.

so been checking in every two hours.

meanwhile, my fam Xmas this morn was great!! no fightsn great haul, awesome food, wondeful comradery, lots ofnfun and laughs and love. made me sad that I may yet still kill self in 3.5 weeks.

moreover, when told Dad about 3-week extension (tho said to finalize meds, not bc relapse), he was cool about. even offered to loan money again.

honestly, was *too* perfect. was storybook ending to life. my Higher Power is the Story, and this was perfect alignment w a Conclusion. (tho counterpoint is also great setup for Improves Life Plotline.)
(still need to write up explanation of the Story and Writers later.)

anyway. then Xmas evening w Bri mom fam. good at first. but none on that side can make fucking decision!! all so flipflop and wishywash.  could not devide between who sat where, what food plave order from, who picks it up, whose meal was whose, who hands out gifts, what game to play, who scores, what game rules are, etc.  love his mom to death, really do. but dammit, doing anything requiring organization w her stresses me out. know this well bc lived w her for about a year a bit ago.

oh. more on that. Bri and I live Lafayette, LA. his mom Baton Rougen about 1.5 hrs away and trip includes a 14mi bridge over swampland. first, bro Adam had own ride as self from Laf-BR. then was gonna ride w us. somehow mom and Adam still in Lft when we ready to meet them in BR. I meantion Xmas in Lft since all gifts and people already in city. mom not want drive in dark bc one headlight out, so we have to wait for her to drive Adam to BR, then we en route. apparently Adam getting ride BR-Lft w us. so now have to clean backseat out before we leave.  BAH.

anyway, mom side of fam had lots of sweets and fast food. that plus having four energy drinks made for irritable tummy. then with so many ppl in such small space (tiny cluttered house w many large-framed ppl), amxiety started in. add on tired, dopamine all fucked, exhausted, tummy hurt, wanting to nap, etc.– I fell into phone again.

felt bad when finally staryed game and I was in phone. but everytime tried to understand scoring or participate in rules discussion, got overtalked and felt overwhemled and end up neared tears.

hrs later, after a checkin, counselor replied back asking how doing. honest: “still in BR. anxious, exhausted, and totally ready to get up and build a blanket fort.”  counselor ask id we can head home. I show Bri whole text exchange. he agree at end of current game; tell same head counselor so. she ask if I can talk to Bri and leave immediately. I tell her he knows bc read convo. she conceedes.  shortly after, game end and we say goodbyes.  I tell her so; she pleased.

goodbye saidn load up car, Bri drive, me passenger, Adam behind me.  I hide in headphones and begin typing this.  Bri and Adam talk –loudly.  whatever; plan to sleep w music on.

about 10m into car ride home, my phone rings. is Bri mom. asks if Adam has his phone, bc did not answer. ask him. says does. relay msg. then she says Basin (that 14mi bridge w no alternate ways off) is closed at one point.

she tries to talk to me about alternate routes while she also talking to loveable-but-looney sister next to her back in BR, Bri to my left asking questions, Adam behind doing similar and offering other alternate routes, and I who have NO familiarity with area trying to relay all these instructions and requests between everyone. evetually, I start cracking.
“Adam, do you have an alternate route in mind”, I interrupt everyone.
“yeah, on my phonevs gps. but it will add 45m to the drive.” I think fuck itn bc I cant handle this any longer.

I tell mom we have plan and will let her know when back it back in Lft. she okay. hang up. apologise to Adam for my nerves; he so mellow always, so was cool about it.

Bri gets out to gas up while Adam discern route. mom apparently call Adam and they talk. I have miagraine at this point and want to strangle everyone. Bri gets in and loudly asking wuestions to me and Adam while latter still on phone.

I. am losing. my shit. afyer Adam off phone, I offer Adam my passenger seat to have Navigator in front. no answer. not sure if didnt hear, dont care, or ignore me. personally, no fucks any longer given. I run away into headphones.

currently still over 30m from dropping Adam to his car at gf parent house (he and gf live in Texas). then have to get home ourselves. bah! all this while, hyper excited Bri being ALL OF THE FUCKS LOUD RIGHT BESIDE ME. music on full and he still over it. and he cackles sharply and squacks, and making my head worse.

am jst thanking Lord, Jesus, Holy Ghost, Budha, and all pagan gods that is mot a 3- or 5-hr drive. fffff.  SOMEONE WOULD BE MURDERES BY END OF IT.

so I *suppose* survived Xmas. and suppose everyone else in Story does too. but holy fuck, came reeeeeeeeeally close several times. like srsly.

will try to keep updates about rehab and mental hospital and DUI2, also about letting Bri back into life.

also have numerous comments and updates from ppl on both journals and blog. promise is on todo list.

but in meantime, when I get home, FUCK ALL THE WORLD I WANT A HOT BATH W RELAXING MUSIC THEN BED.