rebloged: Obsolete

Eyes + Words

Written by Jacob Ibrag

I don’t think it’s writers block. I think it’s

the missing desire to want and need to transcribe the

images and characters living in my mind ontothis permanent

piece of paper. Once they crawl through these fingers and find

a new home, I become obsolete. All that’s left is, me.


Photography by Paolo Raeli

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the tiredness

a great read that really put you in the footsteps of one who suffers.

 

“When mental illness gets the best of you, we remind ourselves of who we are.”

Source: When mental illness gets the best of you, we remind ourselves of who we are.

Feel

powerful quote that I need to keep in mind.

reblogging in hopes that it will guide others as it guides me.

Eyes + Words

1/30/2017

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from

that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break

you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason

you are  here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be

swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or

left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and

listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their

sweetness. Tell yourself  you tasted as many as you could.”

– Louise Erdrich


Photography by Marta Bevacqua

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Invisibly Ill: Notes on Being Academic and Bipolar

Conditionally Accepted

sethSeth is a PhD candidate and adjunct professor at a large public university. His research lies at the intersection of feminist, queer, and affect theories, exploring the emotional experience of reading. He has taught classes in feminist theory, American sexuality, and gendered violence. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder six years ago.  In this guest blog post, Seth reflects on navigating graduate school, the classroom, and academia in general with bipolar disorder.

___

Each night before bed, I pack my school bag. I carefully place the next day’s lesson plans, papers, and books inside, propping it on a certain chair at my work table all ready to go.  The routine calms me. Two minutes later I retreat to my bedroom and take my now-reflexive drug regime of mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and sleep medication that will allow me to stand in front of my class and critique the very systems (big…

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~REBLOGGED~ No Title Needed

yet another beautiful post wherein I swear she’s looking into my soul.

excellent excerpts include:

“My world turns small and large equally spaced circles over and over in that wheat field no one knows where is. My world repeats itself over and over again despite the steps that I take to prevent it. Each turn of the arc is another side of the disease that I was required to understand three months ago and somehow having to learn all over again. It goes round and round and there is no stop lever that will allow me to finally get off.”

“I never know what to do with the anger when I think about the fact that everything I see and feel today will be there another day. I never know what to do with the fact that over and over again I will be destroyed. I don’t know how to find that one place of perfect safety that I can finally rest in. I never know the purpose of my world.”

“I will spend the rest of my life on this journey always sick. I will fall much farther than I will climb and I will search for that one place that is safe and secure. Because maybe in that place my world will finally open.”

The Truth Ache

7403a22ad2d4bf8a32fe06092df37ceeI would like to take this time to introduce myself and the world I live in. Before you get excited there should be a note that you have yet to see anger like this. Before you run and show someone else this blog know that you have yet to see disillusionment like this. Its the plot. Its the scenery, the characters and the villains.  Some will understand my world even when I can’t; and some will be lost by the first word.

My whole life, everything that I am, everything that I will be, my family, my marriage is wrapped up in a disease that some God decided I deserved. Some God thought that it didn’t matter that I was a good person or thought about the fact that I am not always strong. Some God decided to give me a sickness that takes away every iota that is me…

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take a quick survey please! :D

so La Sabrosona reblogged a bit from Just Plain Ol’ Vic about a survey that Public Insight Network is putting up.  ::phew!!::  that was a lot of linking!

anyway, it’s to help with a book about mental illnesses.  which is great and all.  but it’s even better because it’s for MARYA HORNBACHER‘S NEW BOOK!!!

I own (and have actually read) all five of her books.  The Center of Winter is a nonfiction piece.  Madness and Wasted are respectively about her bipolar and eating disorders.  Sane is about working the 12 Step Program with a mental illness; Waiting is about working the program without having to endure all the God-talk (or for “non-believers”, as she says).

anyway.  Marya is one of the women I was supposed to become: a crazy, fucked up writer with tales of adventures and misadventures, who eventually got her life together and even got published.

I remembered after I finished reading Madness and Wasted, I emailed her about connections I noticed between the two and how she and I shared similar behavioural patterns.  she actually responded to the email fairly promptly (and it seemed legitimately like her, and not a lackey).  anyway, it was rad.

so I looked further into the aforementioned survey, only to learn it was open:

Author Marya Hornbacher is working on a book about mental illness. Her book will profile the lives of people who have a mental illness or who work in the field, and she’s trying to develop a deeper understanding of how the public views mental illness.

Please answer the questions below to help Marya with her reporting. There aren’t any right or wrong answers, and she appreciates all responses.  If you know very little about mental illness, she’d love to hear from you. Or, if you are personally connected with mental illness, she would love to hear from you as well.

Marya won’t publish any of your responses without your permission. Marya or a journalist from the Public Insight Network may follow up with you for help with reporting.

and I decided, “what the fuck, let’s fill it out.”  and I’d really appreciate it if you filled it out too.  

my answers are below.

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World Bipolar Day 2015 (…was yesterday, oops!)

as with most things, I’m somewhat late to celebrate.  yesterday was World Bipolar Day (WBD).  they self-describe the event’s intent as “bring[ing] world awareness to bipolar disorders and to eliminat[ing] social stigma”.  I wanted to do some of the events and stuff they promoted (like added words that describe something about you other than your disorder on a photo of yourself, then share it on your social networks with the appropriate hashtags), but I never managed it.  bleh.

instead, I’ll drop off some links about WPD, and do a quick questionnaire.

Why a World Bipolar Day?” from Huffington Post: “Mental illnesses have historically been misunderstood, feared and therefore stigmatized.  The stigma is due to a lack of education, mis-education, false information, ignorance, or a need to feel superior.  […]  Like most groups who are stigmatized against, there are many myths surrounding mental illness.  Enter WBD.”

World Bipolar Day 2015” from Being Beautifully Bipolar:  “Bipolar disorder has ruined a lot of good things in my life and I guess I should be resentful.  But it has also taught me about real love and forgiveness and for that I am grateful.”

Bipolar Disorder: World Bipolar Day Sets Out to Inform, Break Barriers and Stigmas Attached to Mental Illness, Organizers Say” via HNGN:  ” ‘As Martin Luther King once said, I have a dream that one day our nations will rise up and create all men equal,’ wrote Muffy Walker, [founder and president of International Bipolar Foundation].  ‘And I have a dream that my son, who has lived most of his life with bipolar disorder, will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by his illness, but rather by the content of his character.  I believe that World Bipolar Day will help bring my dream to fruition.’ ”

World Bipolar Day, March 30, 2015” from bpnurse:  “For my part, I’m proud that people with this disorder are finally talking about it instead of hiding in a closet. Much of what our society believes about bipolar is wrong, and those of us with lived experience are the best source of information; but putting ourselves out there can still be risky for us due to discrimination in employment, loss of friendships and changes in our social status.”

 

and now, I’m snagging yet something else from the lovely blahpolar diaries: a bipolar questionnaire.

World Bipolar Day Questionnaire

1. What does “bipolar disorder” mean to you?
it’s an explanation for my inabiality to find and maintain balance or consistency.  I’ve always been an extremist in most everything.  knowing that this is not just my having less self-control or will-power, but is instead a result of mis-wiring in my brain — I can hate myself a little less.  that doesn’t get me off the hook; that doesn’t mean I don’t have to continue struggling to live appropriately.  rather, it means I better know how to find assistance in and how to approach management of this problem.

2. What was your life like before you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder?
like most who are eventually noted as bipolar, I was initially diagnosed with major (or unipolar) depression.  so I was prescribed mainly anti-depressants.  however, that only controlled one end of extremes.  I was pretty competent at hiding my more reckless behaviors from the parental units; however, I know the things I did and the risks I took, and I thought I was just fearless.  instead, it was because I was legitimately mental unstable and, in some cases, actually insane at the time.

3. How old were you when you were diagnosed?
sometime in June 2010, I think.  at least, that’s what my “Medical History” document tells me; and it has a better memory for details than I do, lol.

4. How do you manage your symptoms?
medication is my first go-to.  but I know therapy also worked in the past.  having my partner or close friends assist in monitoring me is an excellent way for me to have an external and somewhat objective interpretation of my behaviour, too.

5. What is life like for you now?
heh.  well, back when I was on medication, it was … better.  I was less manic and less depressed; my lows weren’t as low nor my highs as high, but they were still there.
currently, not being on meds — it’s getting bad.  I’m in a mixed state (watered-down details here and here).  as I’ve stated in a previous entry, this is one of the most dangerous places for a bipolar bloke or lass to be in — we’re still miserable and hopeless and depressed, but we’ve got the energy to do something about it; and because we’ve got that mania still in us, whatever we do is gonna be fucking drastic as hell.

6. Has having bipolar disorder affected your friendships, personal life, or professional life?
omg, yes.  when I’m hypomanic and not medicated, I do all kinds of sort I regret.  and I’m not even really aware of it at the time.  I, uh, I’m not really gonna share the details, because I have IRL people who read this shit.  but just know, it gets pretty fucking bad.
but even when medicated, it’s still difficult.  I make all kinds of promises and plans.  then in a few weeks or months when my depression kicks back in, I’m royally fucked — I don’t have the energy to fulfill these commitments; so I’m either disappointing someone, failing at something, or otherwise having to abandon something else more important to honor a previously made though less important agreement.

7. How do you think society treats people with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder?
I’m honestly incredibly blessed.  when people learn that I’ve got mental disorder X (OCD, anxiety, bipolar, whatever), they often don’t believe me.  I guess that’s because I’m so damn good at pretending I’ve got all my shit together.
however, that means when I’m suffering or struggling really terribly, it’s difficult to reach out.  I’ve never really let on how bad it gets, so I scare people when I finally actually open up to them.  it’s happened several times during my life; so I now just avoid opening up at all.  (that’s why this blog is so great — you don’t like what I’m saying?, then stop fucking reading.  easy as that!)

8. Have you ever felt discriminated against or looked poorly on because of bipolar disorder?
thankfully, no.  but again, I believe that’s because I can hide my Crazies so that it seems like I “have bipolar” just as how an anal-retentive person will say he “has OCD”.

 

9. Do you have any words of advice for people in the world suffering with bipolar disorder or other mental illness?
you’re only as fucked as you let yourself be.  someone or something, somewhere, is willing to help.  sometimes it’s ass-hard to find that person or place.  but if you really do wanna get better or at least make it out okay, you just gotta look.  ::shrugs::