the all-consuming Darkness

I’ve been on antipsychotics for a while now. lithium, to be precise. lots of it. and it works! my anxiety is lower, my compulsions quieter, my obsessions weaker, and my hypomanias basically non-existent. so yeah, we got the Manic portion of things mostly under control.

but we haven’t figured out my Depression. it’s still all-consuming, a shroud that covers everything, even the things I once loved or enjoyed.

things are not fun anymore, for example. and I don’t even want to try to have fun anymore; it’s exhausting.

I had a lot of free time this past Saturday. so what did I do?– sleep. for ~15hrs. sure, I know part of it was actually needing the sleep for physical reasons. but I know the difference between that and sleep as escapism. and most of that was the latter.

and though it may be psychosomatic and even self-fulfilling, I firmly believe that I will never get better until I GTFO of this fucking tundra.


Week-End Wrap-Up: Week 36

well, I had a second UTI in three weeks.  and this one is so bad it moved up into my kidneys.  the nurse practitioner seemed impressed of sorts when she reviewed my stats:

Component Your Value Standard Range
UA PH OP 5.0   5.0, 5.5, 6.0, 6.5, 7.0, 7.5, 8.0
UA SPECIFIC GRAVITY OP 1.020   1.015, 1.020, 1.025
UA PROTEIN OP >=300 mg/dL Negative mg/dL
UA GLUCOSE OP 100 mg/dL Negative mg/dL
UA KETONES OP Trace mg/dL Negative mg/dL
UA BILIRUBIN OP Small   Negative
UA BLOOD OP Moderate   Negative, Trace
UA LEUKOCYTE ESTERASE OP Large   Negative, Trace
UA NITRITE OP Positive   Negative

the whole >=300 protein bit really made her nervous, lol. ¬†all that the above says is “OMG YES, THIS IS A BAD UTI”. ¬†XD ¬†so there’s that going on.

oh! ¬†she did give me a recommendation to a urologist to finally get this mess checked out and see what’s wrong with me. ¬†that’s good news.


Brian’s trying to get a table-top group going again. ¬†he’s got his eyes on a wrestling RPG. ¬†Tiger can’t commit right now; Daminelle is not interested in the wrestling one. ¬†so we may be having to bring on new people, or think of something else. ¬†Brian, Dam, and I are to talk tonight about what all our options are. ¬†I’m willing to DM a story-heavy campaign, not so much a hack’n’slash one. ¬†so we’ll see.


really, that UTI has been the bulk of my week. ¬†maybe next time I’ll have more interesting things to share….

creating my first topic series

so with my getting a regular writing schedule, I’m hoping to have some pretty constant topics in the long-run. ¬†like, “Wednesday’s Writing Prompt” or “Thoughts for Thursdays”, and other alliterative things. ¬†but for now, I think I’ll start with “Week-End Wrap-Up”, to be written/posted on either Saturday or Sunday.

I can’t decide the exact topic, however. ¬†at first, I was thinking that I would do a basic recap of my week. ¬†and if a person was not interested in my day-to-day life, they could simply just skip reading it. ¬†(but I’ll be honest, there’s sometimes some really interesting things that happen to me, even on “normal” days.)

then I thought that maybe my “wrap-ups” should be that of projects. ¬†it might help to encourage me to complete tasks and projects. ¬†but then I considered that I don’t really complete one project a week. ¬†so I’m not sure I’m going to go with that one.

do you have any ideas? ¬†and it can be for any day, not just “Week-End Wrap-Up”. ¬†I just figured that would be the easiest.