alive-ish

hello, hello.  I’m still up and running — albeit, barely.  so here’s an update on my life recently.

Employment

work at the law firm is going the same as usual.  I feel like I should be doing a better job at everything.  but then I don’t have the energy to go above-and-beyond as I normally do.  so I just sit and mope.

the fun story about my recent employment is how I worked security for the Super Bowl this past weekend.  I was outside for over 17 hours in the freezing cold with minimal breaks.  I did get to go into the stadium at one point and see both the very end of the halftime show plus the start of the third quarter.  it was cool.  I was stationed at a Talent Entrance, so I saw people like Kelly Clarkson.

my favourite part, however, was when everyone was exiting the stadium campus and SEAN PAYTON (Saints head coach) CROSSED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  he was so close, I could have kissed him on the cheek.  I seriously, legit swooned for a moment, lol.

oh yeah, and I get paid for all of it.  😀

Other (Mis-)Adventures

I want to do the Polar Plunge this year.  it’s in March, so it will have warmed up some.  I have a friend who may be willing to do it with me.  and Brian said he would be there to watch and support.

School

no, I haven’t started back into grad school.  I have decided, however, that I need to start looking into strictly online schools.  so that even if I move, maybe I can still stay enrolled and such.  so that’s a new project soon to be started.

Table-Top Campaigns

Brian is still running Scion.  I am supposed to start a Silver Age Sentinels campaign soon — wherein the players are villains instead of heroes.

My Writing

I’m active in the Twin Cities NaNo group on Discord.  hopefully, I will start writing again soon.

Addictions

so as of sometime at the end of Jan, my probation from my DUI ended.  I can technically go into bars and the like again.  I’m allowed to drink and be a normal adult.  Brian pointed this out to me —  I’m not sure why; I guess just because he likes sharing information and facts, not matter the consequences?

but it doesn’t matter to me.  my behaviour won’t change much.  I will still have a few drinks here or there.  I just have to keep it in check.

I’ve wanted to cut a lot lately.  it’s due to my Mind being utter chaos.  cutting always straightened me out; put my head back on in the correct direction, allowing me to get shit done.  but without cutting, I just sit in the windfall of disaster and panic in my Head and I drown.

I’ve been not eating again.  a lot.  but I’ve been losing weight, so that’s nice.

Physical Health

…despite not doing my kickboxing.  I mean, I have not been to a gym in over a month.  wtf?  I keep having panic attacks everytime I try.

but I’m going to try again tomorrow morning, I think.  and I may allow myself to pinch or something if I have to.  nothing serious, of course.  but something just enough to pull me out of whatever Fit I may end up falling into.  sometimes, even just knowing that’s an option helps….

Mental/Emotional Health

as was previously expressed, I’m not doing well in the Head.  between the depression-side of my bipolar and my S.A.D., I’m really falling apart.  I’m hopeless, goalless, aimless, and careless.  I have no suspicion that anything will improve, and I hate existence in its entirety.

Brian

things are pretty good between us.  he’s been doing a good job of taking care of me.  I can see it’s wearing on him, though.  I need to get better — if for nothing else than his sake.

Staying in Minnesota

rumour has it Brian is making other plans than the original “stay here for five years”.  but I’m not getting my hopes.  we’ve already been here 2.5 years.  so I’m expecting another three or four, just to be on the safe side.

though Brian and I both understand that I may not last here that long….

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soaking

in the tub. with my cell. with bubbles and epsom salt. with hot and hoefully healing waters.

in my self-hatred and concern. about my skills set and capabilities. about if my creativity is even alive anymore. about my cage called “a body”.

in my longing. for the sun. to be outside. to have a group of friends. to host shindigs. to have a home again.

in my fear. of my personal future. of what this president is doing to the whole world. of my career. of never being happy again. of being stuck in this state.

in hopelessness. because nothing will  change soon enough. because I will never like, much less love, myself. because I will never truly write again.

in the tub. with cold water now. without anymore bubbles or full grains of salt. without any sense of peace that this was supposed to give me.

soaking.

reblogged: “Justify”

this echoes my thoughts about leaving Louisiana….

Eyes + Words

Written by Jacob Ibrag

‘How do we know if what we’re doing is right?’

As we drove along the coastline sky, I couldn’t help but

think of the life we left behind. ‘It isn’t anything except a

story we tell ourselves to justify our flight. Maybe we ran

away because we could, maybe we ran away to survive.’


Photographer Unknown

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rain

it’s raining.  it’s not snowing ; it’s raining.  because it’s getting warmer, and water is no longer freezing.

we had neither the funds nor knowledge last year to really enjoy the winter.  we had no friends, didn’t know where anything is, and didn’t even know what all one could do to play in the snow.

this year, however, we should have done something.  we didn’t even make a fucking snowman this year.

yeah, I should’ve just gone and did something without him.  I should have made all the arrangements and told him I’m going, offering him to join me if he cares to.  but that’s all for another post.

there may be snow this Friday. but everything’s already melted so much, whatever comes down won’t make much of a difference.  he mentioned going up to somewhere like Duluth where they may still have snow.  I just shrugged, because I doubt there will be enough in which to really do anything.

but at least Rain is back.  and at least Spring is coming soon enough.  and hopefully, with it the Sun.

the days are obviously longer here in the summer than back home, just as they are shorter in the winter.  maybe the return of the Sun will help with my SAD.  though I suspect the Sun will rise, and I will still be horribly depressed, and we still won’t know how to fix it.

an orphan of home

feeling “at home” somewhere has always been a thing for me. it’s very important for me to have My Home or My Area.  currently, I don’t know where that is.  I call both Louisiana and the apartment in Minnesota “home”.  I “flew back home” for the holidays, yet we “made it back home” yesterday.  but I feel comfortable in neither of them; I don’t feel like I belong in either.

all of my shit is in Minnesota.  my rent and my cat are here.  my job is here.  but my friends are back in Louisiana; and my family, and my history.  my history that I wanted to escape — much of which I did successfully.

when I do go back to Louisiana, I am able to surround myself with only the people I like and care for.  for the most part, my life away has allowed me to create a kind of haven in Louisiana.  and I have very little history in Minnesota, so there’s almost nothing to escape or hide from.

I suppose I’m just babbling.  I’ll go back to work tomorrow like normal.  though I don’t really belong there.  and I’ll live in this apartment that’s not really mine.  and I’ll talk to people who are only just barely my friends.  but I won’t long to be back in Louisiana, because there lingers so much negativity of memories and people.  and I’ll just remain an orphan of home.

I’m close now, near a
place I used to call home.
It’s supposed to be easy to
come back to something so
ingrained in our bones. Yet if
that’s true, then why does
the familiar feel so cold?

~ “Cold“, by Jacob Ibrag

driving in snow

“Brian,” I called from the living room, gazing out the window, “what happened to the Outside?”  I simply received a grumble in return.  “no, I mean, is there anything still under all the white?”

this weekend, the Twin Cities and numerous of its surrounding areas were under Snow Storm Warning.  so it wasn’t just that this southern girl was giddy with the snowfall of a winter in the north.  even the locals were commenting and lamenting about the amount of frozen water that was coming from the sky and settling atop of everything.

and of course, I had an appointment that morning.  thank the heavens it wasn’t a terribly far drive.  but for as short as it was, it was greatly adventurous.

see, I had never driven in snow before.  EVER.  not even like, “oh, it was kinda snowing this one time.”  I mean never.

and I was terrified.

it had been over two years since I was last driving at all, prior to just a few months ago.  and now I’m going to have to drive in snow.  dude, I still don’t even know how to properly dress for snow, much less drive in it.

but I did.  and I survived.  and others on the road and all of our cars survived.  hell, even the curbs were unscathed.

for those of you who have never driven on snow before, imagine what you *think* driving on ice might be like.  then throw in some mud, except that the mud sticks to your tires and that’s what give sit the icy, slick sensation.

I was more scared of driving it before I got in the car than once I was on the road sliding around.  at that point, sure, I was still a little fearful; but it was also exciting and really interesting at the same time.

and again, no collision or curb checks, so all ended well.

 

now I just get to do that at least twice more every day for next four or five months.  o_O

 

snow-globe

I am a paltry human,apocalypse-snow-globe
invisible to the viewer, my existence not even guaranteed.

I am a window in a building,
black glass with white splotches on the seal.

I am a tiny structure,
my roof barely peaking high enough to be seen.

I am a block in a neighbourhood,
where homely warmth is only pretend.

I am a small city,
locked away inside a semi-circle.

I am a snow-globe,
and nothing inside me is really of any concern.