in the tub. with my cell. with bubbles and epsom salt. with hot and hoefully healing waters.

in my self-hatred and concern. about my skills set and capabilities. about if my creativity is even alive anymore. about my cage called “a body”.

in my longing. for the sun. to be outside. to have a group of friends. to host shindigs. to have a home again.

in my fear. of my personal future. of what this president is doing to the whole world. of my career. of never being happy again. of being stuck in this state.

in hopelessness. because nothing will  change soon enough. because I will never like, much less love, myself. because I will never truly write again.

in the tub. with cold water now. without anymore bubbles or full grains of salt. without any sense of peace that this was supposed to give me.



reblogged: “Justify”

this echoes my thoughts about leaving Louisiana….

Eyes + Words

Written by Jacob Ibrag

‘How do we know if what we’re doing is right?’

As we drove along the coastline sky, I couldn’t help but

think of the life we left behind. ‘It isn’t anything except a

story we tell ourselves to justify our flight. Maybe we ran

away because we could, maybe we ran away to survive.’

Photographer Unknown

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it’s raining.  it’s not snowing ; it’s raining.  because it’s getting warmer, and water is no longer freezing.

we had neither the funds nor knowledge last year to really enjoy the winter.  we had no friends, didn’t know where anything is, and didn’t even know what all one could do to play in the snow.

this year, however, we should have done something.  we didn’t even make a fucking snowman this year.

yeah, I should’ve just gone and did something without him.  I should have made all the arrangements and told him I’m going, offering him to join me if he cares to.  but that’s all for another post.

there may be snow this Friday. but everything’s already melted so much, whatever comes down won’t make much of a difference.  he mentioned going up to somewhere like Duluth where they may still have snow.  I just shrugged, because I doubt there will be enough in which to really do anything.

but at least Rain is back.  and at least Spring is coming soon enough.  and hopefully, with it the Sun.

the days are obviously longer here in the summer than back home, just as they are shorter in the winter.  maybe the return of the Sun will help with my SAD.  though I suspect the Sun will rise, and I will still be horribly depressed, and we still won’t know how to fix it.

an orphan of home

feeling “at home” somewhere has always been a thing for me. it’s very important for me to have My Home or My Area.  currently, I don’t know where that is.  I call both Louisiana and the apartment in Minnesota “home”.  I “flew back home” for the holidays, yet we “made it back home” yesterday.  but I feel comfortable in neither of them; I don’t feel like I belong in either.

all of my shit is in Minnesota.  my rent and my cat are here.  my job is here.  but my friends are back in Louisiana; and my family, and my history.  my history that I wanted to escape — much of which I did successfully.

when I do go back to Louisiana, I am able to surround myself with only the people I like and care for.  for the most part, my life away has allowed me to create a kind of haven in Louisiana.  and I have very little history in Minnesota, so there’s almost nothing to escape or hide from.

I suppose I’m just babbling.  I’ll go back to work tomorrow like normal.  though I don’t really belong there.  and I’ll live in this apartment that’s not really mine.  and I’ll talk to people who are only just barely my friends.  but I won’t long to be back in Louisiana, because there lingers so much negativity of memories and people.  and I’ll just remain an orphan of home.

I’m close now, near a
place I used to call home.
It’s supposed to be easy to
come back to something so
ingrained in our bones. Yet if
that’s true, then why does
the familiar feel so cold?

~ “Cold“, by Jacob Ibrag

driving in snow

“Brian,” I called from the living room, gazing out the window, “what happened to the Outside?”  I simply received a grumble in return.  “no, I mean, is there anything still under all the white?”

this weekend, the Twin Cities and numerous of its surrounding areas were under Snow Storm Warning.  so it wasn’t just that this southern girl was giddy with the snowfall of a winter in the north.  even the locals were commenting and lamenting about the amount of frozen water that was coming from the sky and settling atop of everything.

and of course, I had an appointment that morning.  thank the heavens it wasn’t a terribly far drive.  but for as short as it was, it was greatly adventurous.

see, I had never driven in snow before.  EVER.  not even like, “oh, it was kinda snowing this one time.”  I mean never.

and I was terrified.

it had been over two years since I was last driving at all, prior to just a few months ago.  and now I’m going to have to drive in snow.  dude, I still don’t even know how to properly dress for snow, much less drive in it.

but I did.  and I survived.  and others on the road and all of our cars survived.  hell, even the curbs were unscathed.

for those of you who have never driven on snow before, imagine what you *think* driving on ice might be like.  then throw in some mud, except that the mud sticks to your tires and that’s what give sit the icy, slick sensation.

I was more scared of driving it before I got in the car than once I was on the road sliding around.  at that point, sure, I was still a little fearful; but it was also exciting and really interesting at the same time.

and again, no collision or curb checks, so all ended well.


now I just get to do that at least twice more every day for next four or five months.  o_O



I am a paltry human,apocalypse-snow-globe
invisible to the viewer, my existence not even guaranteed.

I am a window in a building,
black glass with white splotches on the seal.

I am a tiny structure,
my roof barely peaking high enough to be seen.

I am a block in a neighbourhood,
where homely warmth is only pretend.

I am a small city,
locked away inside a semi-circle.

I am a snow-globe,
and nothing inside me is really of any concern.



being social is exhausting

last night was fun, albeit exhausting.  it was great to hang out, and the food my friend and I cooked was delicious.  but being around people, having to hold a conversation that lasts more than thirty minutes – I just have so much more trouble with it now than I used to.  at least in the past, I would normally be able to keep rolling until the other person was done.  but the mix of my medication and the social activity just wore me the hell out.

I don’t know how to ask people to leave.  I never really do it; I just wait until they are ready – ever the host.  and it wouldn’t have been a I-don’t-want-to-be-in-your-company-anymore goodbye, or a I’m-not-enjoying-myself farewell; rather, it was just a I-can-hardly-keep-my-eyes-open-and-I’m-socially-drained apology.

in other news, I went to a kink munch last weekend.  I didn’t really make any friends at that precise location, but I have a better idea of what to expect at the next one.  but more importantly, I have an idea of how their groups are organized up here.  and I did make a few contacts, so that’s good.

it’s slow coming, this whole “make friends” thing.  and I know what part of the issue is: I want a group of friends, not one or two close friends.  I want a bunch of people with whom I don’t have to be super close.  I like entertaining a large group of people, then focusing on each person for a few moments, making them feel special and like an individual, then moving on to the next person.  I don’t like the constant conversation that I would have to have with a single person.

the aforementioned friend that I hung out with last night, she noted how in the south, we just talk up anyone in the grocery store, in a movie line, etc.  no matter who you are or where you’re at, it’s totally acceptable to just chat.  that’s the kind of interaction II like – totally surficial and shallow.  that’s not to suggest I don’t like deep conversations; it’s just that those exhaust the living hell outta me.  I can’t do those for too long or too often, and I really don’t want to do them with most folks anyway.  that “how’s the weather” talk?  that can be done with anyone, and it can be ended abruptly and no one cares.

that’s why I love large groups.  I can randomly include a new person and just seem like I’m being nice and inclusive, whereas I’m actually hoping for a topic change, or for the new person to replace my spot in the conversation.

but I don’t know how to find that here.  because everyone’s so reclusive and judgmental.  how do I find the distant, group-like friendships that most people have and would rather trade-in for something close and meaningful?  I want that distance, that safety.  I don’t want a new best friend; I like the ones I have back in Louisiana.  and if I ever need a heart-to-heart, I know I can call, text, or even Skype them.  what I want is someone who will do things, go places, participate in activities that minimize the need for deep communication between us.

and I thought that’s what I’d be able to easily find up here.  but it’s not.  because it’s a different culture.

that’s what my culture shock is – how no one acknowledges one another in the north.  that’s what I miss the most about the south; that’s what makes me homesick.

so there it is: I got the culture shock I told Brian I wanted.  and I’m not sure what my stance on it is – regret, or fulfillment.