very true and powerful

[…] the universe is so achingly beautiful.  And we’re all in it together.  We’re all going in the same direction.  I’m not here to take control of the wheel.  Or to tell you what to believe.  I’m just here to tell you that it’s okay to stop.  To listen.  To change.

read the whole story here….. The Oatmeal – “Believe

I guess I just won’t ever have insurance…?

I started my current job in late September.  early October, I sent in paperwork to the state letting them know that I can now afford to get off the assistance insurance plan I was on.  I never heard anything, and kept getting services and meds for practically free.

December comes along, and I send in another completed form.  again, radio silence from them.

April 10th, I receive a letter stating that my coverage ended on March 30th.  firstly, thanks for the heads up.  secondly, finally.  (I can afford to pay for my own insurance, so I want to.  I want the funds to go to the people who need it, not to people who are scamming the system; and I didn’t want to be that person.)

so I get onto MNsure.org, which is the method that most Minnesotans use to find their insurance plan, and I submit my application.  a few days later, I log on, but it looks like nothing was fully processed.  so I was on the phone between MNsure.org (via whom I purchased the insurance) and Medica (the actual insurance company) countless times, being on hold and/or transferred for most of a phone call.  I’m talking 40-minute holds just to talk to the first person, much less all the bouncing back and forth that follows.  Medica: “tell MNsure this.”; MNsure: “well, tell Medica that.”  it was like being between two people standing face-to-face who are doing that “I’m not talking to Sally” thing.  wtf.

additionally so, these places are only open on typical 8-5 schedules.  I have  a 30-minute lunch, and I’m expected to magically make a 40-minute hold time fit into 30-minutes?  again, I ask: WHAT. THE. FUCK.

eventually I somehow speak with humans just last week who said they were pushing my application through.  YAY!  she adds that I need to make sure I’m not late on the first payment — whose invoice should arrive in 60 days.  wut?  why so long??  you know what, whatever.  I just need insurance right now.  I’ll deal with down the road then.  we know we have the money for it, so we’re good.  and if this lady is pushing through my application, that means soon I can get the prescriptions that have been waiting for me at my pharmacy.

I go online over the weekend to see about getting a temporary insurance card, or at least some ID and Rx numbers.  but nothing.  it’s still blank.

so yesterday I call around and learn that my application has not yet been pushed through. BAH!

so today, I cheated.  while I started the call at the beginning of my lunch.  I stayed on the call after lunch was over; I ensured I was doing work-stuff at the time, of course!  I wasn’t cheating that bad.  and they mentioned I could call 10-minutes early from my lunch to get through some of the hold time.  so whatever.  I need to get this handled.

after being on the phone with these organizations for OVER AN HOUR AND THIRTY MINUTES TODAY ALONE, I gave up.  I’ll try again tomorrow.

THIS. IS. PREPOSTEROUS.

at the one-hour mark, I was livid.

I think I’m just going to have to take a day or a half-day off and go to some office and handle this shit IRL.  because 1] I don’t want to get hit with a fine for not having insurance; 2] I need insurance for my meds and my docs.

speaking of which, I had to cancel my psych appointment for tomorrow because I HAVE NO INSURANCE.

I hate everything related to US health care right now.  like, even more than usual.

apparently I’m a “Social Liberalist”

I don’t do political shit on here often, just because politics and religion are messy topics and aren’t the purpose of my blog. however, I did find the below quiz self-informative and engaging.

8values dot github dot io

I, personally, think it’s pretty accurate.  and my guy Brian agrees.  my cat Zero has no opinion.

so there. now you know a little more about me. 🙂

medicinal cocktails

saw my psychiatrist again a few nights ago.  I was fairly open about how things are starting to get really bad again.  I mean, they’re not there yet.  but I’m going to bed at 7:30pm just to avoid being alive/awake, I Cut again early last week (only just told Brian about it last night), et cetera.  Brian and I haven’t been very close recently, so I don’t think he’s really noticed.  or if he has, he hasn’t said much.  there’s a big Taboo issue that we should talk about at some point; I inadvertently allowed that to create some distance between us.  and then with that distance, I’m reclusing [how is that not a word?  “to beor to have the qualities of a recluse”] more; and with my reclusion [I realize I may be taking that one a bit too far], I push him away more; et cetera, et cetera.

923876723_orig

anyway.  I saw the psych and was generally honest about how it’s getting bad again.  I mentioned how ceasing to take any of my medication entirely — like, cold-turkey stopping — had recently crossed my mind as a genuine course of action.  that alone is a sign that things are shitty and cannot continue as they are.  but during that consideration I recalled the last few times I “got off my meds” and all the chaos that it evoked.  so I pushed that aside as a “last option right before suicide” step.

I also discussed with her about how I’m tired all the time.  I’m going to bed at 8pm, waking up at 6:45 or 7am, and I’m still so exhausted every day.  I’m sleeping fine enough; I’m just not resting.  honestly, the only reason I’m getting this post pumped out is because I had a manic burst at work and had to focus the energy into something that wouldn’t matter much if I fucked up (versus incorrectly writing checks at work or something).  with this post started, I’ll have to finish it; do it due diligence, ya know?; even if, albeit, several days later.

my psychiatrist’s solution, bless her heart, is to add more medication.  I mean, what else can she do?  I’m trying to exercise, I see a therapist bi-weekly, I’m eating fairly well balanced, I’m still attempting to make plans with friends (keeping them is the difficult part), I’ve been keeping away-ish from the alcohol (much better than usual!), et cetera.  I even have one of those little sun lights/light therapy lamps.  her theory is that if I’m doing all of that, it must be chemical; so more meds will fix that.  I don’t necessarily agree that additional medications will help.  but we’re on a down slope as is; so even even-keel would be great.

meds

so, my new cocktail is as follows:

Prescriptions

  • Albuterol Sulfate (Proair HFA):  90 mcg; as needed
  • Alprazolam (Xanax):  0.5 mg; as needed
  • Aripiprazole (Abilify):  10 – 20 mg; once mornings
  • Bupropion HCL Er (Welbutrin):  150 mg; once mornings
  • Divalproex Sodium ER (Depakote):  250 mg; once mornings, three nights
  • Gabapentin (?):  300 mg; once mornings, once nights
  • Norgestimate/Ethinyl Estradiol (MonoNessa):  0.250 mg/0.035 mg; once mornings
  • Nortriptyline HCL (Aventyl/Pamelor):  10 mg; once mornings, once afternoons
  • Ropinirole (Requip):  0.5 mg; once nights

Vitamins & Supplements

  • Antihistamine:  25 mg; once mornings
  • B-12:  1000 mcg; once mornings
  • C:  1000 mg; once mornings
  • Cranberry:  4200; once nights
  • D3:  2000 IU; twice mornings
  • Iron:  65 mg; once mornings  (additional 65 mg at night when menstruating)
  • Melatonin:  6 mg; as needed
  • Pehenazopyridine Hydrochloride (via Azo/i-Health):  97.5 mg; as needed

 

think I’m on enough pills….?

I Voted! So Should You!!